- I'm backing off from him. For awhile there, I was hugging, kissing, etc. (w/ sexual overtones), saying "I love you" and similar things, etc.
A few days ago, when I decided to try letting go, I stopped all that. If he initiates, then I hug/kiss/say "I love you" back - but he has to start it. If having me pestering him with affection is so terrible, then I won't make him put up with it any more. If he wants it, he can come and get it.
....But yesterday, when I was depressed and not hiding it, DH was very loving and sweet with me. Hugs and kisses and kind words, loving glances, etc. And when he gives me that, I respond in kind. I've just stopped initiating for now.
I did get The Book (SSM), and am trying the bit about being good to myself. I'm sticking w/ my weight loss program, but the fact that I'm doing it for me (health reasons) as well as for attractiveness reasons, helps me stay motivated to keep losing the weight. Actually, I'm close to my goal weight now. Only 15 pounds left to go! I'm going to yoga class, and reconnecting with old friends via Facebook. Soaking in the tub, reading a good book, cuddling with our cats, all those things are ways I can take care of myself.
Congratulations on both weight loss and getting and reading SSM. You are doing a couple of very positive things. First you are doing a 180 by not pushing for sex. Second you are getting a life (GAL) and taking care of yourself. Both of those things should make you more desirable.
I am trying similar things to try to spark things up with my LD wife. I am taking a slightly different track in my sexual touching 180. She has alway told me for over three decades that she would touch me more if it didn't always lead to my needing sex. I decided to call her on this recently after a couple of months without sex and told her that I was not going to have sex with her under any circumstance for two months and that during that time I wanted her to be able to touch me with her knowing that it wouldn't lead to sex under any circumstance.
During this past month, I have kept a daily log to record what I do in touching her and what she does in touching me. I have to admit to two things. I am surprised by how much she is now touching me; about once every other day. I am also surprised by the kind of touching she is doing. She will kiss me good bye in the morning when we go to work (no passion, but nice) and she will in bed put her feet against my leg as a sign of affection or reach out as she goes to sleep to tough an arm or try to hold a hand. It is sweat and I like it, but it is not the passion I really want. I am seeing that she is trying in her way and I appreciate that. It gives me hope that if I create a protective environment long enough, maybe the flame of her physical love for me can grow stronger.
Once decades ago during a terrible fight, my wife said that she loved me, but she just didn't show it by having sex with me, she said she did the cooking, the grocery shopping, the laundry, and the cleaning and that was how she showed me that she loved me. It is only recently that I have come to understand that she always has been telling me she loved me through acts of service and devotion, but I just haven't been hearing her constant statements of love.
You say that your husband does hug and kiss you. Congratulations. That is a good sign.
Rather than "witholding" your telling him that you love him and your touching him, why don't you keep on telling him that you love him, and continue to touch him, but in a less sexual way. He still needs your love, even if you are the HD partner.
I found the SSM a great book with great insights. Yesterday just before dinner, I set up next Saturday for when my wife and I are going to discuss it and a couple of other books. Also since you are reading books, may I suggest the 5 Languages of Love (Dr. Chapman) and the survey at the back to see what you and your husband's love languages are, so you can better communicate your love to him in a way that he can receive the message. If you can spring for one more book try Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Those three books are the ones that I have read that have impressed me the most. Another book that was recommended to me, but hasn't yet arrived is No More Mr. Nice Guy. Others can tell you if it is appropriate for you or not.
Good luck, keep to your goals of weight loss and getting a life and stay optimistic. Try to look for the good things in your relationship and his attempts at saying he loves you in his way of communicating that.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
