K so I cant get it off my mind. He came home from work last night for a snack and he apologized for his behavior before work. He gave me a hug and kissed my neck a few times. This is the first time he has kissed me in a month. I an convinced if there was another woman that it is over. But I dont think I can in on without talking about it with him. Its eating away at me. I dont think I can be with him if its true. He came home this morning from work and acted as if he was my H. Came in for a hug and commented on how I looked. I am confused. We have our sons christmas concept tonight so I dont want to ruin it but hoping someone can give me some advice on a good way to bring it up. Thank you.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I an convinced if there was another woman that it is over.
Why are you convinced of that? Just because he kissed you?
You're still putting a lot of time and energy into trying to figure out his "signals", and look how much stress you put yourself though. The other day, you were spitting nails and ready to toss him out on his ass if he'd slept with another woman -- now you think everything is okay because he showed you some affection?
You didn't believe he was even having an affair until someone told you he was; when you tried to investigate, you were reassured that there was no way he could be having an affair, and now you seem to be okay with the idea that the affair (that wasn't happening, mind you) is done with.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
The only way you are going to feel better about it is to talk about it with him. Ask him point blank, Are you having an A?
She'll ask. He'll deny. She won't feel better.
SG is right; no cheater with even half a brain fesses up to an affair, even when -- hell, especially when -- confronted with evidence.
It's a big misunderstanding, you see; or it's not what you think, they're just good friends...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
The only way you are going to feel better about it is to talk about it with him. Ask him point blank, Are you having an A?
If he's not, he will say "No, I'm not."
If he IS, he will say "No, I'm not."
That is useful . . . how?? All cheaters lie. PERIOD.
When my wife was having her affair (with a guy 20 years younger than her, who was going thru the police academy, to become a cop), I caught them red-handed at OM friend's house for a hook-up. My voice-recorder caught them talking about how to spin it, and OM said "I'll get _______ to lie for us; to say that he was there with us, and we were all just playing video games."
You didn't believe he was even having an affair until someone told you he was; when you tried to investigate, you were reassured that there was no way he could be having an affair, and now you seem to be okay with the idea that the affair (that wasn't happening, mind you) is done with.
I'm coming back to this because I want to finish my thought.
Britt, everyone has been saying for weeks that there are signs that your H is (or was) having an affair. You've not wanted to believe it -- which is perfectly normal and understandable -- but now you have at least one account that there is/was an A going on.
So now, while you are relatively calm and collected, you have to make a decision.
This is Act As If turned on its head: what does your husband having an affair do to the future of your relationship?
How do you feel, "knowing" that your husband has slept with another woman? Is it something that you can forgive? If so, what do you need from him to rebuild your trust in him? (We're back to setting boundaries and requiring transparency again.)
Now is a good time to let those feelings come now, so you can start working through them; that way, if and when he does drop the EA/PA bomb, you can respond coolly and confidently.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Now is a good time to let those feelings come now, so you can start working through them; that way, if and when he does drop the EA/PA bomb, you can respond coolly and confidently.
Trent, that is SO well-stated, and something I wish EVERYONE would do (along with deciding, as they go into mutually-agreed-upon no-contact/transparency/reconciliation, just how many "strikes" of re-contact they are going to allow).
The mistake we all do is that we try to make these potentially life-altering decisions, in the heat of VERY difficult moments and confrontations, which is NOT when you want to be making them!
The mistake we all do is that we try to make these potentially life-altering decisions, in the heat of VERY difficult moments and confrontations, which is NOT when you want to be making them!
Exactly. If britt's H fesses up, he will probably be expecting a category 5 sh!tstorm from her; screaming, crying, throwing things, etc.
How will it affect him if she simply says:
"If you are telling me that it's over then I believe we can work this out, provided you're willing to do XXXX and YYYY. If you are still involved with OW, or you cannot agree to XXXX and YYYY, then I think you should go back to your sister's house, and I will file for divorce."
No yelling, no tantrums, just quiet resolve...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
