Hello all, Here is my story. I met my wife in middle school (1980), we quickly became an item. I knew I loved her the moment I saw her. I knew we would be together for life. We married in 1994, after struggling thru college, short tour in the Army and many travels. We have a child(18), and have otherwise been very happy. We are an interracial couple and have had issues with this from the day we met with her side of the family. We never really have dealt with these issues. My wife and I are already separated, she is staying with her girlfriend. We have just been separated for several weeks 11/10/09. We have been having some problems lately. She says that I am belittling to her, say hateful things about her fam, and smoother her constantly. She says that I am very demanding, controling and she has not been allow to grow as an individual within the relationship. She states this has been going on for years. IT IS ALL TRUE... I was blind to my actions. Things actually seemed normal to me. We do not argue alot, disagree often, and her family on ocassion has interfered in our marriage (my opinion). When she left, I was devastated. It has been several weeks and we really are not comunicating. There has been some, but very little. She has only removed her dailies from the house (some clothes, make up etc...) and as we still share bills and a cat and a dog, she stops by to pick up the mail, play with the animals etc... while I am at work. I do not see her often either. She mention an EA on 12/1/09 after I asked her if she was seeing anybody. On 12/5/09 agin mentioned it went from a EA to a PA after I asked her. My friends say I should drop her. But I know that both of us have caused each other hurt. We have both said things out of anger and prob did not mean them. When she left, she said she loved me but was not in love with me. Ouch... but I am still very much in love with her. We are both christians, but she has pulled away. I have been getting help with my outbursts and internal defects and have made major changes in my life with regards to my attitude and how I look at my relationship. For starters, I have accepted responsibility for my actions. I have been in counciling and working thru my issues. I have given my life to the LORD and have a strong faith there will be resolve. I started 1 year ago on this journey realizing that I need to change to save my marriage. I saw the signs, she really did not have to tell me. And it has been difficult. But I am a better man today than I have ever been in my life. Today, I like ME. I not longer get angry, I slow down and think before speaking and have learned to listen. Seems like little too late sometimes but I am getting there. I have realized the servere verbal abuse I have put my W thru and have repented for these sins against God, and have confessed them to my W. Everybody at work, friends in the community and even my W have noticed the changes and all have stated how much they have noticed the new and improved me. It will be a life long journey and one I am proud to take. Anyway, still most of my friends (only the close ones that know of the PA) have told me to get out. That I do not need her. By having a PA, she has done the worst damage to our relationship. But after approx 29 years of knowing and loving each other and 15 years of marriage, I had to agree with them that I do not need her. BUT I choose her. My friends think I am stupid for wanting to save my marriage. I know I do not need her. I will be fine on my own. Very capable as we all are once we get past the initial fear of change, but still I choose her. She is who and what I want most in my life. Flawed or not. I believe we can work thru this when (if ever) she decides she is willing to try. I have time. I will wait this one out. Any advice???
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Friends offer support not advice. Stop telling your friends what's going on.
Two pronged approach continue to improve your self and grow. Second you must bust the affair to reconcile. You seem to have very rigid thinking. What is required to bust a affair will require you to think and challenge your beliefs. None of the advice given will be immoral or unethical.
read up on boundaries and look at NOMDADS thread to see how effective they are. Keep posting and read lots of others threads to see what works and what doesn't.
You can be a great DBer, spiritual, changed, loving, and right. Doesn't mean you will reconcile. Prepare for both outcomes.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How do you bust A. My W is hanging with her friends. Most seem to support her. I do not know what they are telling her but seem to be "get out and do your own thingy". Her family and her friends are not talking to me or excepting any communication at this point.
I think is is because of the interracial relationship.
Her PA is a bit younger than my W. My W, in the past few weeks has moved from EA to PA and OM is hanging with my W and her friends... these same people that once did things with W and I now do them with W and OM. I found that my wife is taking OM to nieces birthday party tomorrow and her family will be there.
If wife and I do get back together, how do I handle family and friends who seemingly are willing to accept this ?
I am having a hard time setting boundaries... my W is still telling me she does not know yet what she wants to do, come home or MC. We seem to get along fine when we briefly see each other, and I always stay in a positive mood. This seems to bother her.
Yesterday when she told me about the PA, I did tell her that she was wrong and needed to stop that. She said she wished I would see someone. I told her that I choose our M, that I would not do that as it would not be right, and that I choose to remain faithful to God and our marriage vows.
I am afraid that if I place boundaries right now, she will run since apparently, she has so much support from family and friends.
HELP!!!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
To DB you have to get over your emotions. Fear will paralyse you. You are afraid she is going to run? She's already gone. The OM is getting from your wife what you should be getting - time, attention, affection, sex, and energy.
How to bust a affair - confidence boundaries detaching
Go read NOMADS thread to see if they work.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My W tells me that she is trying to find herself. That the PA is part of trying to find out who she is and what she really wants...
Says she is still undesided if she wants to make M work. States she has considered coming home and getting MC, but does not know if that is what she really wants to do right now....
I am starting NO CONTACT today.... any suggestions...
Also, I do not currently know who tha PS is...
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
You need to get one or two friends who will listen to you during the next few weeks of no contact.
You need to prepair for No Contact. I sent a letter to my WAS stating what the rules were for her to contact me.
You need to leave a little opening for her. So one day if she chooses to attempt to come back, she knows where to start. You need to keep that little opening for her as well. Not for ever. But you need to make a choice to keep that opening for a little while. Because No Contact is to protect the last little drops of love you have for your wife.
You need to be ready.
Are you ready to end your marriage ?
Are you ready to live your life ?
Are you ready to take control of your life ?
Are you ready to never see or talk to your wife ?
Are you ready to live your ?
Are you ready to fully embrace grief of your failed marriage ?
Oh man, if we could all colectively have a buck every time a WAS "is trying to find him/her self", especially when it is used to help justify an A, we could hire James Cameron to direct the DB movie on a blockbuster budget.
She may believe it herself. Just make sure you don't.
Coach is making it quite clear what you need to do. Starting off the thinking process for boundaries by worring about consequences on YOUR part is exactly how you should not start off at all. Just IMHO.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
