why oh WHY do our spouses continue to ask us what wrong???
Because in their own round-a-bout ways they care.
Cutter asked me to stop by and look in on you. I briefly read through your thread and can see you've received solid advice. You yourself have come across some revelations too. That lead you to this statement:
Quote:
im so upset with myself! i KNOW what i need to do...WHY am i struggling to do it???
Because you're trying to do EVERYTHING at once. Take some time, write down everything you need to do and pick ONE a day. Spend the day practicing it. Practice makes perfect. The next day add one more item and do both... and so on... and so on...
I wish I had more time to follow and 'watch' your thread closely, but I'm overextended at the moment.
This is an extract of something I posted in my sitch. It may help you understand your H a little:
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
How did I get to the point of wanting to walk away?
When I looked at my wife I saw the complete antithesis of the woman I had married. She never smiled. Was always complaining. She pointedly looked for negativity everywhere. If the sun shone, it was too hot, if it rained it was wet. Whenever she opened her mouth 'bad news' would flow. She allowed her family to dump on her and would return home and dump on me. That's all I heard... problems, problems, problems. Later on she didn't even need to utter a word. A look, an expression on her face, body language, an action... was all that was needed express her disapproval of me. People don't need to scream to communicate. With this constant onslaught I withdrew emotionally and physically. Every time I gave something it was reciprocated with a slap in the face. I reached the point where I had nothing left to give
My life had been my wife. I felt I had failed her and myself. Her Venus-speak led me to believe I was guilty of everything. At one point I honestly thought she would have been better off without ever meeting me. Not only that, her constant nagging and complaining had killed whatever attraction and love I felt for her. So I left. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do - free from external factors that could influence my decision. One thing that is important to mention here: I was in emotional pain and had no 'resources' (supportive family or friends I could trust) to fall back on. I never shared or made known the crisis my marriage was in to a living soul. My wife STILL doesn't know.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
how do you get over NOT knowing when they are being sincere or not???
h mentioned friday he was thinking of coming home...i was VERY hesitant and said if that were something he wanted we could discuss it when he decided...
he was in class all weekend, calls this morning. more anger and resentment...wtf?
not that i expexted anything, i was truly shocked he said it...he has NEVER said ANYTHING about coming home...
atleast I know it wasnt me...i wasnt around him nor had i spoken with him! terrible huh?
I know there arent definate stages to all of this...could someone give some insight on anything that may help??? its so hard to do nc...im doin it though. just want some light somewhere!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
ok so start to get a life and live for yourself.ok comprehend that...
what h doesnt get it that he is still basically our sole support...
guess what ____ its a bit hard to do this with no money to spend on entertainment as you seem to take care of that so well also the fact that with 2 little ones in tow EVERYWHERE I go...my choices are limited as it then turns into entertaining them and not myself!
ALL of which I have you to thank for...walking away and living so carefree...must be fun!
SORRY for the rant...better here that at him!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
how do you get over NOT knowing when they are being sincere or not???
By keeping in mind that they are confused, and hurting, much as we are. No one gets married with the idea that they are going to ruin their marriage.
We tell people not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do as a defense mechanism: so you don't drive yourself crazy obsessing over what this comment means, or what it meant that they didn't answer your email.
You should know your husband well enough to be able to figure out at what point they are not just venting or saying whatever comes to mind, and are talking earnestly about the R.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
That's up to you. Sex is a very intimate thing, and if you don't feel that connected to your husband, then maybe it's not a good idea to continue while things are up in the air.
If he gets frustrated, spell it out to him: "I feel that continuing to make love to you while you're unsure whether you want to continue being married to me makes things more complicated for both of us. So until you come to a decision, I don't think it's a good idea for us to have sex."
Originally Posted By: lost1234
is it true that these men DO NOT have any answers??? for anything???
Who are "these men" you are referring to? Your husband? WAH's in general? The men on this forum?
I can't tell you what your husband may be thinking, because I'm not your husband, nor am I a walk-away spouse. I don't identify with that mindset.
As for those of us on the forums: our advice is worth exactly what you pay for it.
I'm not a trained marriage counselor, I'm just a guy who is trying to offer support, understanding, and compassion while working on saving my own marriage. Other people are offering what has and has not worked in rebuilding their relationships.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
by these men i was talking about men who are going through a mlc...ones who have walked away during them...
sorry!
something else that i cant grasp is why my h says he is hurting as much as i am...i really dont get it. he chose to leave, i didnt throw him out or even ask him to go. I have been in ic for a year...i wanted him to do the same and then we could possibly go together. i wasnt demanding, just threw it out there and basically was told he didnt need any help...i dont understand why or how he is hurting right now,i wish i did. all i see is him doing for him, and what he must for us( me and our children).
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
by these men i was talking about men who are going through a mlc...ones who have walked away during them...
sorry!
No offense taken, I just wanted to be clear where the frustration is being directed.
Originally Posted By: lost1234
something else that i cant grasp is why my h says he is hurting as much as i am...i really dont get it. he chose to leave, i didnt throw him out or even ask him to go.
He is hurting because he is trying to justify the decisions he has made. It doesn't mean that he is making the best choices right now, because he's letting his feelings steer him.
The whole point of DB'ing is to change the relationship enough that he starts to question things.
This is one of the reasons why we say things like "wait 48 hours before committing to a major decision" and "never respond out of anger, or fear, or frustration".
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
