Not to hawk books, but have you seen that there's a book specifically for "The Sex-Starved Wife"? I haven't read it, but I was thinking about getting a copy for my wife's friend, who has our copy of SSM right now.
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A few days ago, when I decided to try letting go, I stopped all that. If he initiates, then I hug/kiss/say "I love you" back - but he has to start it. If having me pestering him with affection is so terrible, then I won't make him put up with it any more. If he wants it, he can come and get it.
It's a hurtful thought, isn't it? But it's not your affection that turns him off. It's the perception of being nagged or "pestered." It's the desperation of it. If it makes you feel any better, I posted something similar about how I was trying not to pester my wife when I was starting out here, and Dancequeen or Ali or somebody devoted a paragraph to why I shouldn't be pestering her and what that choice of word meant. Anyway, you're doing the right thing. It helps to set a time period for yourself and stick to it--"I will not initiate for one month" for example. Actually, people suggest anything from a month to a year, but I personally thought a month was enough to bite off at one time.
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1) Women don't get to pick the men they like; men get to do the choosing. We just have to hope the ones who choose us, are attractive to us too.
Read that again. Can you see how hopeless and desperate that sounds? What if the man who chooses you is not attractive to you? You marry him anyway, or he's out of luck even though he chose you? You're both choosing. Men have the same issue; they can choose a woman, but if she doesn't choose them, it's not going to work. They can also, as you suggest, decide to sit back and choose among the women who seek them out, hoping that a woman they find attractive will happen to find them. It doesn't tend to work a whole lot better for men than it does for women. Even when you find someone great, it doesn't work that well. Someday I'll tell you how I met my wife, but for now, let's just say that she did all the pursuing at first, including literally trying to trick me into going on a date with her. Then I fell for her and she was wonderful--but eventually we had problems that couldn't be solved by hanging back and hoping she would take care of everything. If I'd stuck to that pattern, we might not be married now.
2) Any forward progress in a relationship has to be the man's idea, or it won't work.[/quote] Well, either that, or the woman's. Do you really believe your husband will never accept any idea you come up with?
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But, I didn't tell him yet again what I AM depressed about. If he doesn't know by now, he hasn't listened when I've tried to tell him for the past 2 years. I'm depressed bcs we haven't had sex since Oct. 29, and I'm mourning the end of my sex life.
He really, truly might not know. Poke around here a little; I'll look up some names for you. There are LD spouses here who helped me a lot by telling me that no, they really didn't understand when their spouses really did tell them bluntly how important sex was and how depressing it was to be shut out. Some of them eventually caught on, or their spouses figured out the right words. Most had to have a wake-up call. The lucky ones, read SSM or some other work that showed them what their spouses were going through. The unlucky ones found themselve with walk-away spouses, discovered their spouses' affairs, or like my wife got sat down and told that we were headed for a divorce. Trying to explain HD sexuality to a LD person with words is like trying to explain Van Gogh to a child born blind. They don't experience the world the way you do. The words don't have the power to get it across completely. If they did, you would understand all that LD psychology you and I were just commiserating about not understanding, right?
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Last week, I was home from work on time for 3 days out of 5. So I'm doing better about that. If I can keep that up, we'll see if DH notices (and ever wants to do anything other than sit in front of the TV every evening.)
Here's your chance. Don't wait for him to come up with something to do. You do it, and invite him along. You mentioned going to see The Road (a sure cure for depression--after that, maybe you can find some kittens with cancer or something.) Anyway, you come home, he's watching TV, you want to go see the movie. Tell him about your day, ask about his, whatever you do. Then tell him you're going to see that movie you've been talking about. Does he want to come? If he tells you he doesn't want to go, then you go. Call your friend, go by yourself, whatever, it doesn't matter as long as you're doing something you're interested in doing. Now, odds are that he's going to notice this and if you're enjoying yourself, he'll notice that, too. He may decide he wants to see what all the fun is next time. But worst case, if he shrugs and goes back to the TV, you're having fun instead of being depressed.
Just remember to pick things you want to do for your own reasons. That's important. It's not a ploy to get him interested in you, it's about taking control. The happy side effect is that most people find that more attractive than depression or desperation.
