S.T, your statement about Tiger Woods affair.... not so true. It doesn't take 2 people in all cases to cause one to have another affair. Even if there is something lacking, that should not drive someone to an affair. And to have something lacking while his wife is pregnant? There will always be something lacking in everyones life. That is not a reason to have an A. Some people are simply never ever happy no matter what. You can be the perfect wife/husband, but if you lack in moral and values, you will do what you want.
My ExH is one that will never, ever be happy. I could have been perfect, but he still would have done what he did because he wasn't getting what he wanted. And what he wanted was only obtainable in a perfect world, and we do not live in a perfect world.
I can never see an excuse for an affair. I may be able to forgive and move on and work on both of us like you did (and I totally commend you) But when entered into marriage, nothing should drive one to cheat. It is just a sad excuse for not dealing with the issues at hand.
I think you may have misunderstood my point. If you had been a perfect person, your H probably still wouldn't have stayed. It's not about you being perfect for THEM, especially in your case, I believe you needed to be more true to yourself and stand up for that,(but, you are right, as I will say further down some people never realize what they need to do inside themselves and are never happy with what they have),
There are so many things involved with this. The thing is, when people are getting their needs met inside their marriage, they don't look outside the marriage to try to fill those needs. The bottom line is people do have affairs because they are lacking something in the marriage. Is it an excuse to have an affair?? of course not! But because we are all imperfect people, we all can take part of the blame for the breakdowns of our Rs. Even when it has to do with addictions, the other person can influence problems because they can end up being the enabler. for example, a woman who is abused. I have a friend who was for many years. Because she allowed his abuse and believed the lies, she became an enabler. I don't blame her for it, but there are always alternatives, ways to change ourselves to make our sitch better (or worse). That is what DB is all about.
Now the other point is, both people need to be healthy in their own skin. And sometimes even if the other person changes, the person who is stuck doesn't know how to get out, and sometimes you just have to wait, or they never get it. Like SO2 exH.. he has no worth or self respect whatsoever right now, so no matter who he falls for, it will never work because he needs to fix himself.
In regards to Tigers sitch. Do you think it was possible for Tigers wife to be selfconscious? I mean, with all the women Tiger could get at the drop of a hat? That would be an extremely difficult position, to be pregnant and married to such a superstar, and one that is away many times. I'm not saying that he didn't start any of the problems, but I would almost guarantee she started some of her own along with him. Then the cycle begins. Is it her fault he had an affair? no, but she is a part of the R which means she made mistakes too and was a part of the breakdown of their M. the breakdown happens BEFORE the Affair. the A is just a symptom of the problem.
And, this discussion will also depend upon what we consider to be a "wrong". let's say for example she was someone who would complain and talk bad about her husband in front of him and another people...in a way being abusive with words, and compare that to him having an affair. Is one worse than the other? are they both detrimental to the marriage? is one okay and the other not? See, there is going to be a line that some people draw, and others don't. In my opinion, I look at them to both be detrimental and both hurt the other person. And in fact, I could explain why the words could even potentially hurt more (looking back at my verbally abused friend).
So, this is where we may differ in opinions and so they cannot be argued against one another. But, I understand where you are coming from, and I appreciate your comment G and it's nice to see you here.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."