here we go again

[Jstar]

since wed. he has not called or texted and now it's sunday night around 715 he texts, "Hows my kid"

i have not responded, don't plan to. to him asking how she is doing is like giving her air. he says, well atleast i asked?"

i need some advice on how to proceed, keep being silent or come out with boundaries to see if he steps up to the plate? or just keep waiting?

[Jstar]

I've been silent for a week or two, been thinking of texting h this msg.

Please let me know if i should remain silent or put this out there.

I feel angry and disrespected when you do not support this family. Until you show genuine respect and support for me, Zephyr and baby boy I see no reason for you to be in our lives or in the delivery room.

[Jstar]

oh so now he sends another message.

did you just call me? hows my lil one doing?

my number is blocked so if i call comes up unavailable or something.

i did not respond and certainly did not call him.

[TooLateForMe]

I haven't read the whole thread, so my advice may not cover all bases.

You wanted him to reinitiate contact, but then get irritated when he does. I think you're still button-pushing, expecting him to change. He won't.

This isn't about making him do anything. This is about your growth and hopefully him coming on board once he realizes what he's losing. Remember that: HOPEFULLY.

You should always have boundaries. You may be too confused to know what they are. I've been there. I wouldn't blame you in the least for not knowing what to do.

You should expect him to step up. Let him know clearly what you expect and what you want. No sentiment, just the facts. It's your option to not have him in the delivery room. But five years from now do you want that to be the choice you made?

Whether you reconcile or not, assume some sort of stability in the future. How are your choices going to affect you, your H and your children?

You seem to be fretting. I do that, spending time wondering about minute details. Take some time and relax. That may be hard, given your sitch.

He's either totally confused or a complete jerk, IMO. Even if he doesn't love you, that's no excuse for not being by your side right now. I just can't imagine the mindset of someone who would bail on a pregnant wife.

A man should worship the woman willing to carry his child. Even if he doesn't love her. I want to believe that he's trying in a limited way to do the right thing, but hold out for real signs of commitment and respect.

My W went through a similar thing w/ her H before me. He bailed on two perfect daughters and it's his loss. But he left entirely. She did it alone and so can you. I don't want that for you or anyone, but if you have to you can. Expect to handle the majority alone.

But, if he's showing an interest in his kids, tell him. Again, just the facts.

My opinion. I hope he'll figure out how amazing you are, but it's his loss if he can't.

[Jstar]

i do get irritated when he makes contact, why? he is doing nothing to help me or d2 and hasn't for some time now. he's asked once to see d2 other then just wants to know how she's doing. there is no can i see her tuesday? Can i take her to the park? none of that i think that if a parent wants to see their kid they would not just ask how they are, they'd pursue seeing them, not just hows my lil one. i understand i've made mistakes i want to be in d2 life, and will do what ever it takes to see her. maybe that is still an expectation i have for him, i hold myself to it firmly. probably i have to high expectations.

i thought i was giving d2 stability by not having him come in and out of her life when he chooses.

am i way of base here???

[Jstar]

i'm thinking here that since h texted me second time asking if it was me calling he's beginning to think hmm i wonder why she's not calling me back not texting me like crazy, or even responding to anything i send. so in a sense maybe that msg is one of what michelle's little positive things. i don't want to read to much into it, but me being dark is in a sense a complete 180 from what i used to do.

[Jstar]

now he called and left a msg.

something like this: his tone was very angry, i call you and text you every day and you do not respond back to me, i WANT to know how my daughter is, i know you hate me and wish i would die, i know daughter wants to see me, i care about her and you, getting even angerier in his tone, using cuss words, put your anger aside and text me or call me if she is okay.

just more words, and now anger.

should i respond in a day or two with boundaries of seeing daughter?

[TrentC]

now he called and left a msg.

something like this: his tone was very angry, i call you and text you every day and you do not respond back to me, i WANT to know how my daughter is,

Well, you should be willing to discuss his daughter with him. He's still her father and, barring an official custody/visitation arrangement or restrictive order, he has as much right to spend time with her as you do.

i know you hate me and wish i would die,

"I can understand how you might think that, but really, I'm just extremely disappointed in you."

i know daughter wants to see me, i care about her and you, getting even angerier in his tone, using cuss words, put your anger aside and text me or call me if she is okay.

[...]

should i respond in a day or two with boundaries of seeing daughter?

Call him and tell him how his daughter is doing and discuss plans for visiting or whatever.

If he starts to get angry or abusive, cut him off with "I think we should be able to keep this conservation civil; if you are going to get agitated, then we can talk later" and HANG UP. Do not return his call, but call him when you think things have cooled down again. If he starts up again, repeat the above and HANG UP again.

[Jstar]

I feel like i'm trying to protect d of having a come and go father. he has not said anything about setting up a schedule for visitation and seeing as he jump back across the boarder at anytime with daughter i'm a little skeptical of just letting him have her with no boundaries.

i think that it should start slow and he should have to prove that even if he bailed on marriage and birth of other child that d2 was another person he left behind. in trying to protect d2 of knowing one day to the next if her dad will be in her life or not, if his "work" schedule will interfere or obligations to his mother and father will stop him from seeing her or just being a no show. i have never been able to say to daughter , you're going to visit with dad today, it's well, me keeing this comment to myself of telling nothing until he has shown up to see or on more cases not showing when he says he will.

if she is such a priority for him, why only call once a week just to know if she's okay? I would call every day, be where she is just to see her under any circumstance and not let anything but police stop me from visiitng with her. He could suggest a time but doesn't just asks if she's okay.

now that i'm not being a total doormat and begging him to come back it is shocking to him. i think to continue with my progress to set boundaries of how and when he can see her. remember he could have showed up to concilliation to talk about visition but didn't, she wasn't that important to him that day. maybe his life isn't so great as he thought it would be. i don't know.

i know i ask for advice but i'm not ready for the silence to stop. i am contemplating having another person speak to him about my boundaries in reference to daughter and if he wants to respect my boundaries then we can go from there, if he can't or won't all the better i kept my silence. i even contemplated just sending him a letter explaining my boundaries for visitations with daughter and the like. i am not ready to speak to him nor see him or engage in any text battles. i fear if i did speak to him it would be extremely difficult for me to control myself and remain in db ing mode.

i still feel like he's a grown man and i've explained to him whether he listened or not what he would need to do to and why should i be explaining or telling him what to do, i would dislike it greatly.

a few weeks ago he was watching daughter while i worked and just dumped her at mil, and there were issues there of neglect, how am i to know that is not going to happen now? i don't, i can't control mil. he apperently thought it was ok for d2 to stay in pj's all day, to not inform me she had fat lip, for her dirty diapers to remain on. d2 now is using bathroom regulary, not even using diapers or pull ups, she wouldnot at mil's, she will pee / poop with my niece and at niece's day care. obviously d2 is much happier and thriving with the change i made in who cares for her and those are actions i can see and measure. whereas at mil's i don't get to know anything that goes on with her all day, naps? eating? potty? injuries? for me that feels a lot better knowing she is safe, and reduces my stress level of the mil and wah. if that is selfish then so be it. I think that part was a good decision for d2.

[TrentC]

if she is such a priority for him, why only call once a week just to know if she's okay? I would call every day, be where she is just to see her under any circumstance and not let anything but police stop me from visiitng with her. He could suggest a time but doesn't just asks if she's okay.

You can't judge him by your standards because you're not the same people. This isn't said to excuse his behavior, but to provide some perspective; I'm sure he didn't see himself as a WAS a year ago, either.

You're trying to rationalize irrational behavior. Let me know how that goes.