Question

[awest1217]

The doctor wants to see S today at 2:45 which I can't do because I am still at work so H said he could take him and even offered to cook dinner. That is huge and nice. I know he is making a lot of progress, but I am just cautious. I think he has a lot more skeletons in the closet that need to come out before anything else happens. For example, who is this missouri girl? Why talk every other month? It is probably just a friend from college, but still. Who is she? I don't ever remember him talking about a carrie. I knew most of him close friends so who knows. Things like that scare me because I don't know what is still lurking out there.

To really get true reconciliation and not just him coming home, he is going to have to come clean about everything, and that is what I don't know about. Last February is when he finally came clean about the first girl, and that was 9 years ago. I don't want to find out in 9 years something I thought I knew but he wouldn't tell me. I need to show him I can hear these things and not get judgemental.

So another long night at the doctor's. I thought I wouldn't have to do this anymore, but oh well. Prayfully it is nothing. Thankful that H once again is willing to help and told me to stop thanking him because it is part of his job.

[awest1217]

Had a sad night last night after H left. I really enjoy more and more spending time with him and I really miss him again when he is gone. Plus there are some things from last night that make me wonder again if he is playing me about wanting to come home. Either way I know I shouldn't have but I text H and said that I really missed him and just wanted to let him know he was missed and loved. I thought it is good sometimes to remind him that I do love him and do miss him. I am a very independent person, which was one of our problems before, and I think because S and I have so much going on it seems like I am content with everything and don't miss H. I also think with my defenses up a lot subconsciencely I put off a vibe that I don't need or want him. I was worried about sending it because I knew it could lead to disappointment, but I knew last night I probably wouldn't get a response. I just needed to let him know I was still here waiting.

This morning he sent me a text that said Thank you for the message. It isn't anything awesome, but I believe he saw it for what it was. Not being judgemental or hurting, but really saying "hey I am still here and still want you back". I think it helped.

The only thing I am really struggling with is our looming anniversary. I just don't know what I will do with myself that day if H does absolutely nothing at all. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but it is so hard to do. I just think it would be such a slap in the face to let it just go by. I do have a something for him, which I will drop off the morning after if he doesn't do anything on our anniversary (I am trying to let him have this one). I am planning on coming to work as always, but I want to look really good to help boost myself. It is the Christmas carry-in so that will help. At night I will have church, so that will help as well, and I might take S out to a really nice dinner if H does not come through. It will be for me, but I will need something.

Trying not to focus on it too much right now, but it is only 2 weeks away, not months anymore. Hopefully I can get refocused and make it through the next few days. Then Christmas cookies! Then next week is another week...

[ClingingToHope]

The only thing I am really struggling with is our looming anniversary. I just don't know what I will do with myself that day if H does absolutely nothing at all. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but it is so hard to do.

I'm guessing he'll do something. But yes, don't get your hopes up. Last year, I was turning 40 and my girls wanted to throw me a surprise party and W turned them down. She did nothing.

This year I have tickets to fly to Fort Myers for the girls spring break. I'll conveniently be in Florida when I turn 41 and will have my phone off.

[Lucky11too]

So how's S doing? Was the doctor able to help at all on Wednesday? It was really good to hear that H stepped up as a father and took him to the dr himself.

Sending those kind of texts are always a little risky, but I think you're right that they sometimes need that reminder. Sometimes I think we are so busy trying to keep our defenses up and trying to come off upbeat, happy, and confident, that we can actually repel them a bit. It's sounds like it was a good gamble and that he took it as you meant it. I can also totally sympathize with the missing H part. It's really hard not to miss them as you spend more time with them and then they are gone again every night. It can be really emotionally draining. =(

You know, the anniversary really is going to be hard. I know no matter how much you prepare yourself for the worst, it really is hard not to feel devastated if he doesn't do anything. I know I would be. I know people say detach, detach, but when you are so close to a reconciliation, you almost have to keep your heart open to accept the good (which unfortunately sometimes also comes the bad). I would think he would at least acknowledge it, but who knows how much he will do for it. I'm like you where I would want to see where he's at regarding the R depending on his actions regarding it. But like you said, hope for the best, but plan for the worst and have some fun backup plans. It sounds like you already have some great ones.

Wow, it just seems like we are both coming upon some pretty important Y's in the road here. I just hope these H's get their heads on straight!

[awest1217]

S is doing very well. The doctor said everything looks good. The rest of the week went well, and today instead of cookies we went to Frankenmuth with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. S had a lot of fun and so did I.

When we got home, both S and I had DVD's from H for St. Nick's day. I will put more info later when I have more time.

[awest1217]

I had another weird, scary nightmare last night. It was super crazy so I text H because it was only midnight. He did a great job of calming me down. It was nice. I just wish he was here to calm me down instead of away.

Nothing much really to report otherwise. S is having a hard time going to sleep tonight because he took his nap from 4 - 7:30 pm. I can hear him in his room playing, but I am going to let him go because he will go to sleep at some time. S didn't take a nap yesterday and was outside having fun all day. Then was up until around 11 pm watching Monster's Inc then up at 6am to watch it again twice. He just walked in my room bugging to sleep with me so I am going to let him. It is 10pm and I have to get him to sleep.

No big plans this week. I am going to make cookies at some point, but otherwise nothing big. H is coming over for dinner tomorrow.

[nikblondiew]

LOlal,

Great advice......I too must follow it. Such smart wise people on here!

[awest1217]

Tonight was another great night! H was at the house when I got there. He was going to shovel the driveway, but although there is snow, nothing is sticking just yet. We had a good time just talking and relaxing. He talked about things he has learned as I discussed what I found out happened at my family's thanksgiving (let's just say I am glad I wasn't there). He said he has learned that happiness does not come from stuff and to get rid of somethings once in a while like old clothes you can't fit or are nasty. Also Friday he talked about going out to eat with S and his friends and their families (all of our friends before the separation) before going to see Sesame Street Live. Everyone is so excited to go and it was all H's idea.

He once again brought up his parents Christmas. I said I want to go, but "you understand". He said yes, but made a strong hint that he would be home by then (maybe my anniversary present). I did leave "St. Nick" a note on Saturday that said how I was thankful for the gifts, but what S and I really want is our family completely restored by Christmas. H didn't say anything about the note, but he did take it with him.

I also gave him his St. Nick gift which was an ornament with his name on it and a bag of taffy (he loves taffy). He gave me a big hug and just let me settle in his arms for a bit. It was nice. He left to "get my gift" because I guess he ordered it on line and it is out of stock. When he left, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Progress! I am not getting my hopes up too much, but he is showing concern and really has changed. I am just following his lead and once in a while going out on a limb with a nice, small gift, a text, e-mail, etc. I am trying to show that I care without being overly pursuing. It seems to be working and we are really getting along.

I am less and less worried about OW, and more and more thinking it will be ok. I just keep praying there are 10 more days. This will determine so much.

[Lucky11too]

Wow. You are doing great too! You seem to be really finding the balance between showing you care without being pushy. They definitely need those reminders to let them know we are still on board too. And it's definitely working as he continues to open up and spend time with you. Yay!

That is great progress too with the hug and kiss! Showing affection again is definitely a hump to get over and it's great that he is starting to iniate it again, even in small ways. I know sometimes for me, just a warm hug speaks more then any words. =)

But the future is still definitely scary. We both have these big Y's coming up that are really going to determine which road our relationships are going to take. Your H definitely does seem to be on the right path, so I'll keep praying for his continued success!

[awest1217]

It is a lot harder when we are in person to not be pushy because he will say something that makes me think he won't be home even by the first of the year...then the next breath he talks like he will be. So sometimes I catch him and say sarcastic things, which is not good, but I am getting better at that. I think with him, he is so used to saying things about him by himself that he doesn't talk in terms of us so things slip. However, I am doing well about not always being the first one to text or call. I am really trying to let him take the reins, but when I really feel the urge I will text him. I try to wait just a little bit to make sure it doesn't go away. Sometimes the urge goes away so I don't, but if it doesn't I will text H. I rely on my faith a lot so I believe those urges are God letting me know when H is open and so if the urge doesn't go away I want to do what I feel led to do so that I don't miss an opportunity. May sound weird to some people, but that is definitely how I work.

I had a strange dream last night that kept me up. I dreamt I was shoveling where H is staying because it is supposed to snow a lot and I took tomorrow off to take S to the dentist (first time :)) and so I thought I would be nice and shovel. While I was there, H's neighbor comes over and asks who I am. I say I am H's wife and he says no your not. Come to find out...he thinks OW is H's wife and tells me how she has been living there and how she is probably still at the house because she doesn't leave on Wednesdays until 10 am and it was only 9:30. I of course get mad in my dream. While I am talking to the neighbor, the dream pans to inside the house where I see OW texting H about how I am outside shoveling and she needs to leave for work, but can't because I would see her. I finally get a piece of paper and write a note to H that says "you need to watch what you tell your neighbors, especially the nosy, friendly ones. BUSTED" Then I write a note to OW that says "you keep saying I ruined your life, and although I was PART of the cause for you losing your job, you now have a better job making more money and doing what you went to college for. You are living with my husband who is probably paying all of your expenses, while you still have a husband at home who is paying the rest of your expenses. If you get mad at one, you can always go to the other. Meanwhile, you have stolen my husband, destroyed my family, and made it so S and I are living pay check to pay check. Who's life was really ruined in this? Get off your fat, lazy butt and since you are living with H get up a little early, help around the house and SHOVEL!"

Of course, I woke up to this very angry. I know I am still worried about OW staying with H, and tomorrow I could go over there and check because I am off of work, but I am not going to. I need to not snoop, although I know it would settle everything once and for all.

Tomorrow is a day off with taking S to the dentist for the first time. Then I was going to go Christmas and grocery shopping, but now it is supposed to be super cold, snowy, icy, etc. Winter in northern IN so I might just make cookies...however the cupboards are bare so grocery shopping is a must soon.