For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

I need to discuss Christmas money with H. I thought about just emailing him something like this:

Since it's already December 4th, I thought I better check in about Christmas. I don't know what your thoughts are on a reasonable budget, so that's why I'm emaling.
I'm all for cutting back again this year - I'm almost done with DD and as you could see, I dropped the idea of a new tree and simply bought some new decorations to spruce things up.

There are still other things to get/do:
Christmas outfit for DD (for when she sings)
Batteries and DVDs for camera & camcorder
Sled
Stocking stuffers for DD
Presents for nieces & nephews
Bday present for newphew
"Bonus" for sitter
Gifts for grandparents (we are making homemade things, but need the materials)
Christmas cards & postage
Special holiday food/treats (cookies with DD and stuff)
Special art projects & holiday activities

Please let me know what you think is a reasonable budget for everything that needs to be purchased/done. I have an idea in mind, but I'd like to see us come to an agreement. If you are planning on me taking care of all these things, I need to know when you will be giving me money to do so. I'm pitching in where I can.

Thoughts? Too wordy? Too many details? I'm not sure if listing everything is best or if I should just say I need X amount of money by X.

If you don't know my sitch, H is still paying for everything. I work part-time and he pays every bill we have. Is it fair that he gives me the money and I take care of everything or am I making it too easy on him? Meaning...all he has to do is show up for Christmas and everything is done.

I've always been the one to do everything when it comes to the holidays - put the decorations up, make the treats, send the cards, do all of the shopping and wrapping...I really don't mind it, but am I making things too easy on him?

[courts0818]

Journaling from yesterday (Friday) - Day 9

3 things I'm thankful for:
1. 2 fun play dates I took DD on
2. The Christmas season - the excitement and special things that we get to do
3. My girlfriend who has a DD the same age as mine

No contact from H yesterday. It was good that DD and I spent a lot time of out the house or I would have been pretty sad. Some days it just hits harder than others.

We went to a reading of Polar Express at Barnes & Noble and it's hard to go to these types of things and see dads with their families. Just makes me sad - bc my H should be with me and DD.

Trying to focus on what I DO have and not what I don't have.

[courts0818]

Day 10, Journaling

3 thing's I'm thankful for:
1. DD and I donated some of her toys today - thankful that we have things to give & that we are helping others
2. That H came over to spend time with DD & I was able to get a break
3. That God is with me through everything

I went to the Hallmark store tonight to pick up some ornaments. When I saw the little ornaments with frames for a family picture, I just about crumbled into a pile of sadness. Ugh. This is such a hard time of year to be dealing with a WAS.

I think text messages with my sister and my friend and a venting converstation with another friend, lifted my spirits (something else I'm thankful for today).

When I got home, DD was still up and H was watching football. We kind of all hung out in the living room. It's sad bc H and I don't even really talk to each other - I wish I knew how to fix that. It's kinda like what is there to talk about? It's just akward.

DD kept running back and forth betweeen us, yelling "Mommy" then "Daddy" and jumping in our laps. And she was saying, "I love mommy" and "I love daddy." She is so happy and excited when we are together. BREAKS MY HEART. I wonder if he notices and what he thinks. I mean he has to notice the kiddo is full of joy when we are all together, just wonder if he actually thinks about it. It seems like walk aways don't think about anything - they just ignore, deny or blame.

After DD calmed down a bit, I noticted that H looked a little upset or stressed or maybe just tired. IDK...he just looked a little sad and was kinda holding his hand on his head above his eyes. When I asked what was wrong, I got a nothing kind of response. IDK.

I'm feeling pretty good and not down in the dumps - something else I'm thankful for.

[Lll54]

I too wonder if they think about that kind of stuff. But in my own case, I don't think if phases my H at all. S3 could ask him 50 times if he is staying home tonight and sleeping here (since he moved home), and it breaks my heart to think that a three year old has to think about this stuff but I honestly don't think it phases him at all.

I'm glad you have somebody to vent to. It always helps to have someone to talk to when going through something like this. I know for myself, after i talk to somebody I feel so much better. It almost brightens my day.

Also wanted to comment on your three thankful notes you make. I love it! Good for you for looking at the bright side of things and thinking about what you have not what you don't have. It tend to do that too often. So good on ya!

[courts0818]

Day 11, Journaling

3 things I'm thankful for:
1. A great message at church - very good info about the 3 hats that satan wears they include tempter, promoter and accuser. It was also good to hear a message that talked a lot about forgiveness.
2. Bday party that DD and I attended - good too see friends; thankful that I'm still good friends with many of the ppl I went to HS with.
3. A couple of good moments with H tonight - we talked a teeny bit.

Today had some good moments and also some sad moments. When I was at the bday party, I had mixed emotions. I was glad to be there and glad to see friends. BUT...I sat there looking around and honestly, I really felt like a failure - like if I was a better wife my H wouldn't have left me. It's so hard to not take the blame and to think if only...I nagged less, made him more of a priority, thanked him more, etc...etc....


Seeing my friends, all cute and happy and there with their husbands...ugh...it's hard. I'm truly happy for them, but sad for me and DD.

But, I have a choice to make - allow the sadness to defeat me or to rise above with the help of God. I choose to rise above and I choose to ask for God's help.

[Gnosis]

Hi Courts, I've been following your posts for the last 8 days or so. I haven't read your entire sitch. Did you discuss this yet?

I need to discuss Christmas money with H. I thought about just emailing him something like this:

If you haven't then, yeah, it was too wordy. This is probably the best way to handle it: "I need X amount of money by X." Then if he asks you bring up your shopping list.

H is still paying for everything. I work part-time and he pays every bill we have. Is it fair that he gives me the money and I take care of everything or am I making it too easy on him?

It's good he's paying for everything. On the fairness part... not sure. Then again you don't want to make everything too easy on him. Set him small tasks to accomplish that he's capable of. E.g. Batteries and sled. Choose one he's capable and see if he does it.

And now some feedback on you. I think you've been doing great the last 11 days. I know it's not easy and from what I can see you're getting the hang of it. So much so that its going to become second nature for you. I'm impressed.

[courts0818]

Bluerain,
Thank you for the advice to treat H with basic courtesy, not initiating conversation and playing games with DD that he could easily join into. It's been a real struggle for me - trying to figure out how to act and how to treat him when I do see him.

The bday party was yesterday, I did leave the invitation out with the mail where I assumed he saw it, but IDK for sure.
I took DD to church and we stopped by home really quick on our way to the party. H was here - I ran in the house for a second and left DD in the car. He asked if I wanted him to get her and I said, "no." As I was flying out of the house, he said something and I just yelled, "were going to bday party." That was that...wonder if he felt anything since we didn't extend an invite to him.

[Lll54]

Don't spend your time wondering what he is thinking or thought. I did that for a long long time and it got me know where. Just be happy that you did some good GAL'ing, had a good time even though H wasn't there. Yes you thought of him while there, but that's okay that will happen for a while. Its only natural. Glad you had a good time!

I went to a party a while ago and had the same thoughts. But hey we were there for our children and that's all that matters. If it did bother H, then maybe next time he will pay more attention to what is going on your lives. Be patient.

[courts0818]

Hi Gnosis,
Well crappers...I sent the email to H earlier this morning about a 1/2 before you posted. : ( I figured it was too wordy - I'm always too wordy!

I didn't hear from him all day and right before he left work he emailed and said he didn't have time to think about it today and he would get back with me tomorrow. Hmmm...could be true or he could be intentionally stalling. I guess it doesn't matter - at least he acknowledged that he read it.

Thank you for the positive feedback. I really do appreciate it. It helps to keep me motivated. If you have read any of my history, then you know what a mess I've been - I was totally inconsistent - like extrememe peaks and valleys. And I was that way for 13+ months. It kinda just hit me like a ton of bricks - HELLO COURTNEY...WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS NOT HEALTHY AND IS NOT WORKING! I finally made the choice to take a little control. I know I cannot control my H, but I can control how I react to him. It's still very tuff, but I'm staying much more balanced.

Like I posted before, I'm trying to get everything in order and then soon I'm rocking the boat. I was much too inconsistent, reactive and emotional to do it before. Well...I could have done it and actually I did try and it blew up in my face.
I decided I needed a fresh start and a new, smarter attitude.

Anyway, thanks for checking in. : )

[Gnosis]

You're welcome and I did read your thread a while ago. Unfortunately I've read too many threads and get a little mixed up every now and again.

I did add your thread to my 'watch list'. I'm sorry I too so long to respond to you. I meant to give you those tips when I saw them. I'll pop in every now and again... especially when you're ready to rock the boat.