but for now she is my wife and she needs my support.
If I were your mother....I would be so proud.
It took me a long time before rependence found my heart. I "knew" what I had done was wrong, but I had so much resentment toward my H that I just couldn't seem to get past that. If he had not made that statement he did the day after the stuff hit the fan and said he had never done anything wrong......maybe it would not have taken so long before I felt true remose. I knew he meant that he had not been the one who strayed, but it just hit a bad nerve with me b/c he has always been seen as such a "good guy" by everyone.....and I knew he wasn't. Yes, he is good....but I had my reasons for having issues with him. None excused an EA...but he wasn't perfect, either, and that was how his statement hit me.
What I'm trying to say is that LBH's talk a lot about how their WW has not apologized to them. I remember when I wrote a very harsh post to a LBH (newbie)about why his WW had not given him any apology.....and I thought the entire board was coming after my hide! You can imagine what PDT had to say about that! The truth was that I was still having to deal with my own issues even though I had been on the board for several months at that time. (Remember, I was still in an EA when I first arrived here.)
I think that most LBH's just don't realize how long it takes a WAW to come out of her fog, come to terms with the A, grieve over OM, face her sins, try to forgive herself and then get the energy to work on a R she thought was doom and she had emotionally D. You know how we talk about "baby-steps" all the time? Well, these step here are baby-steps for the WAW. They are slow and painful and she feels like the harlot of all time. Even though her H has been able to forgive her and still wants to stay M to her.....it is so hard. It is as if she is willing life to be restored into something dead. BTW, my remose was not felt all at once, but was like in stages. I don't know how to describe it. I don't think I could have handled it if it has all came down on me in one load. But each time it came....more of it would crash down on me. I was so harden that I even prayed that God would help me to feel the remose that I needed, in order to be able to move on in our lives. Isn't that terrible? I don't think I've told anyone that before. But I thought something was seriously wrong with me not to be sorry for what I had done! I think a lot of my "feelings" or lack of them...had to do with me being on so much meds at the time, but I won't get off into all of that.
Well, that is from my POV, and more my story than yours....and some WW are faster at repenting than others. I wish I could tell a newbie that his WW will make amends and their M will be back on track in a couple of weeks, but I think a couple of years is probably more like it. However, I don't tell them that (even though they ask me) b/c I know it will be too discouraging. But, Mr. & Mrs. Sandi made it and so will the Thinkers! Limbo is hard on the LBH and some day you may have to do something to sake things up a bit to get her out of her zone. In the meantime, I hope you won't be too stressed during the holidays and that you can look forward to a better year. I was concerned about you being "done" there at one time.....but you are going to be okay.
Take care my friend.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
