It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

CTH, that sucks. I've been avoiding other threads lately because I get sucked into others' pain. I really hate that hurting and wish I could take it away from others.

I have stages and I've hit one where I still care and still try but I know I don't control her or whether she wants me. I'm okay with being the hopeless romantic. It's the best part of me. I'm in touch with my emotions, with what I want out of my life and the relationship I want. That's so much better than where I was before.

I want to be a screenwriter. It may never happen. If not, that sucks, but it doesn't stop me trying and I'll still be alive and working on my life. I want my wife. It would be awesome to have her and spend the rest of my life appreciating her and growing together and as separate people. If not, I'm still moving forward.

I think if you find that hopeful-but-realistic, selfish-but-giving place in yourself you might have more acceptance. I want to cherish my W even though she's far away (emotionally and physically). Think of the old romantics, the knight-errants, who never gave up. They pressed on and on, living with the ideal despite resistance and obstacles. They believed in a code of romance that we've forgotten.

Maybe we're tilting at windmills. But it's an ideal. We're bettering ourselves, growing, becoming better people. It's not always about the goal as it is the journey. I intend to spend the rest of my life enjoying my journey.

[TooLateForMe]

And here's the rough draft of the letter. It has been edited for content...

I will come across as a xxxxxx, I'm sure, so be forewarned.

Something's happening this weekend. Or your friend would like it to happen, unless he's gay. You're hot, so he'd be stupid (or gay, as I said) not to try to hook up.

My assumption is that you either didn't want to tell me that or you don't buy that he's interested. He is. He may not even try anything. His loss, if that's the case. My clumsy drunken speech in Laramie (about women as xxxxxxxxxxx) was about the idea that men always want to sleep w/ a woman.

I DON'T see women as purely sexual objects, though many men do. I DO recognize the fact that sex is always on guys' minds and most men will try something if they think they can get it. If they aren't trying to hook up w/ a woman, they STILL WANT TO, but have confused ideals about the ethics behind it.

If you are planning something, then so be it. I don't like it, but it isn't my place to like or dislike it. The best thing I did over the last few months was give up the idea that I have or even want any control over you. It's the happiest I've been in years to let go.

You offered to tell me when you had any romantic/sexual inclinations and I told you I didn't want to know. Well, it's a fact of life and I have to deal with it. Better to know and learn to cope than spend my time wondering and being paranoid. I won't like it and I'll avoid communication if I have any evil intentions.

If there is no intention of any physical dalliances this weekend, that's fine and I'm an ass for intruding. You can always tap this xxx if you have to scratch that itch No strings.


Have at it, 2x4s and all.

[TooLateForMe]

Did I mention that this fella is reimbursing her for the gas to get down there????

What a sweetheart!

[TooLateForMe]

Well. No takers.

That's okay, the nudge-nudge-wink-wink approach may not be the best route anyway. It may be prudent to keep my nose out of her "affairs," whatever they may be. Saying anything may just seem intrusive as she'll do what she'll do regardless.

Dunno.

[ClingingToHope]

A letter seems weak to me. She already doesn't respect you -- especially if she's running off to see another guy. A conversation may be more difficult but you've got to earn the respect back.

It's either that or go completely dark. Don't talk to her at all. You don't want to know because you don't care.

[TooLateForMe]

I went dark. It did nothing for her, but helped me get where I am. A semi-open line of communication with her is in the works right now. Regarding my life and progress. Only about what I'm doing, not as explanation or manipulation. Until she sees an interesting, independent, passionate person, there's no respect.

I'm a little irritated about the trip, but not fixating. I was curious how to frame my concerns. But I'm realizing that they don't matter. I can't tell her not to go. She knows I'm not happy about the idea of her with another guy. And saying "tell me when you hook up with someone" is odd and clingy. It won't matter. Holding on drives the WAS away.

[TooLateForMe]

X-mas plans got complicated which led to a long, late-night conversation w/ W. It was a good talk, comfortable even intimate. We talked a lot about the girls and my improvements (I'm not blind to the fact that they need to be shown and not talked about--and neither is she). It made me wonder why the gulf between us is so wide, why she feels so "done."

I'm not ignorant of the fact that one good conversation (or even several) will make for a reconciliation. Much has to be done on both ends before that is a realistic consideration. And I'm not bringing that up until there is a long-term and consistent intimacy that isn't easily disrupted by disagreements. But it was a small step forward after so many I've taken that have set me back.

[TooLateForMe]

Should I be mad about the trip to New Mexico? I'm not sure. I kind of am, but kind of "not my business."

Remember, this is the guy that took her to the concert, loaned her money for rent, is fixing her car for free and paying for her trip down there.

If not mad, should I show appropriate affront if it's called for? I'm not sure. I'm too close to the sitch and can't see it through sensible eyes. I just don't want to lose an opportunity to do the right thing, whatever that is.

[TooLateForMe]

I'm thinking back over the events that led up to this sitch, and I'm starting to think there was an affair. She's sworn there wasn't, but there are a lot of gaps in her accounts and what I assumed was a semi-EA. I didn't think much of the guy and didn't think it was in her character to do anything serious.

Facts: she encouraged me to flirt w/ a girl at a bar. I did and felt immediately guilty and spent the night wishing she would have stopped me. She seemed happy that I was doing it. That same night I saw OG watching W very intently. I brought it up, but she blew it off. I tried to kiss her earlier that night outside the bar but she said no, that it was too confusing for her.

I got a very good job offer right before moving out on our trial sep. but she encouraged me to leave because we still had the same R problems. The biggest problem was money and my lack of a job.

After I got my head straight and wanted to work on the M, she agreed but a day later (right after her therapy session) declared she wanted a D (hadn't even mentioned this up to that point).

I noticed a gift from him in "her" living room, prominently displayed, a crumby piece of "art" in the shape of a rose.

She's mentioned he's "slept on her couch." I (inappropriately) asked D13 about this, but she claimed ignorance of this fact.

After a "fight" w/ OG about his being clingy, she declared they weren't even friends any more.

This may be paranoia, but there are lots of little things like these.

I want to confront her about this, but don't know what to say at this point. She considers there to be no M. I also don't want to be passive-aggressive about it until she says "why are you so cold?" That's the old me and I'd rather just come out and tell her I fully believe there was an affair, if not before I moved out, then shortly after... i.e. during our "break."

I'd love to nail her w/ "I'm pretty sure you cheated w/ OG. Or at least ditched me so you could be w/ him."

[TooLateForMe]

W took D13 to doctor tonight due to pack pain. I don't think now is the time to confront her. Waiting to hear back re: D13's condition.