feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

ST - I'm not sure which question you were talking about? I don't need a sitter anymore my kids are all self sufficient. I'm trying to focus on me right now but it's hard. I've felt very very sad and alone. My H has abandoned me (as usual) so I am dealing in my own way. I'm trying to practice what I read here but I am feeling defeated. I'll get out of this slump but right now I just don't know.

I am going to work on turning this sadness to MADness. I am going to shut down. I have lost respect for my H.

[luvless]

G - I don't have my 3 things todays. I'm just miserable inside...sorry to disappoint you.

Yesterday was what I call a "fake" day. We talked to each other civilly and he put up christmas lights on the house - we went together to buy new ones. We ended up going to a $150 dinner. I said, "you wanna go to dinner" he says, "yeah." H suggested we go to this place (one he knows I've been wanting to try but is expensive) it was beautiful in there and the food was great. We enjoyed dinner but I felt upset inside the whole time. I can't go much more longer feeling like this. He is good at this but I am not.

We came home and sat on the couch didn't talk much so I got irritated and went to bed without saying goodnite.

I took him to airport this am - went for 3 days to meet investors for bank job. He once again lucks out by getting a trip (I call it a getaway even if its work) luxury hotels and fine dinners...not work to me.

I hate my life lately....

[Gnosis]

You're not disappointing me. It's OK. Contrary to popular belief, you're allowed to feel down. I'm not here to judge you, no one is. And if anyone tries I'll kick their virtual a$$.

Those three things I keep on harping about are for you and you alone. If you wanna skip a day or three... I'll let it pass

((( Luv )))

[luvless]

I think I have the stomach to talk about Friday night now.

We went to dinner (had a nice time but I'm still feeling cold inside) but still had an ok time together.

We start talking in the car he says, "I don't wanna stress..I don't care about anything anymore." I say, "why would you say that?" He said, "I don't" in a very cold and sarcastic way. I am really upset and stay quiet...he gets irritated. We get home and he says, "I wanna sit and have a glass of wine and listen to some christmas music." I say, "I can't find the wine cabinet key" (cuz I don't want him to drink anymore) remember he drinks too much and gets verbally abusive.

I go to the room he comes in (here goes our dynamic) H comes in and says, "I thought we were gonna have a drink." I look at him in amazement and say, "do you remember what you just said to me?" as if I'm gonna sit next to him after he talks to me that way?

M - I can't believe what you said to me
H - I don't wanna stress anymore and I'm not doing it
M - why are you talking like this?
H - you keep pushing and pushing (raising his fists in anger)
M - if you don't care what are you doing here? what do you want from me?
H - I'm leaving (gets his jacket n keys)
M - please don't drive you've been drinking (in front of my 18 yr old S)
H - I only had a couple it's no big deal (great parenting)
M - I'm asking you not to drive
H - refuses and leaves says he's gonna get gas

I cry and feel like [censored] - he's never left the house - ever like that. He left for an hour (I guess he got gas and parked around the street) I textd him "come home" and he replied, "i need to be alone." I said, "ok be safe."

He comes in and says, "tomorrow I'm doing one thing and one thing only..I'm putting up the christmas lights." (? thought he didn't care about anything?) is he asserting his I'm gonna do what I wanna do power? or was he relaying to me he cared about this house by saying he was putting up lights?

He came in the room a couple times (he didn't really wanna be there) he did make one last very cold comment to me - "I wanted to get on the freeway and drive to texas." I couldn't say a word cuz that one punched me in the stomach.

My self took an emotional beating that night. I got up on saturday morning (you know that sick feeling when you get up and remember?) and I went to the bathroom and said to myself, "today is the day to flip the switch." In our R I tell him don't push me - if you flip the switch - there is no turning it back on. I am choosing to shut down. It's a safe place for me to be right now.

I have disdain for my H and how he's been treating me - I just don't think he can gain my love and respect back.

[Gnosis]

Luv, do you want my honest opinion?

[luvless]

always G

[Gnosis]

OK, remember.. you asked for it...

If everything went down exactly as you described above, I think you're over-reacting.

I don't know if you missed this from my sitch, but he sounds like he is where I was about 2 years ago. I've cut and pasted and bolded a few things differently from my original post:

When I looked at my wife I saw the complete antithesis of the woman I had married. She never smiled. Was always complaining. She pointedly looked for negativity everywhere. If the sun shone, it was too hot, if it rained it was wet. Whenever she opened her mouth 'bad news' would flow. She allowed her family to dump on her and would return home and dump on me. That's all I heard... problems, problems, problems. Later on she didn't even need to utter a word. A look, an expression on her face, body language, an action... was all that was needed express her disapproval of me. People don't need to scream to communicate. With this constant onslaught I withdrew emotionally and physically. Every time I gave something it was reciprocated with a slap in the face. I reached the point where I had nothing left to give.

My life had been my wife. I felt I had failed her and myself. Her Venus-speak led me to believe I was guilty of everything. At one point I honestly thought she would have been better off without ever meeting me. Not only that, her constant nagging and complaining had killed whatever attraction and love I felt for her. So I left. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do - free from external factors that could influence my decision. One thing that is important to mention here: I was in emotional pain and had no 'resources' (supportive family or friends I could trust) to fall back on.

Don't think I'm discounting your feelings because I know they are real and you're in extreme pain.

Someone asked me what made me wake up... The first two to three weeks I was away she would call me every two days. To tell you the truth, I didn't want to hear from her. I used the excuse of call costs to keep conversations short. During that time she would only ask how the job search was going (and some other stuff, but I don't remember...) All I heard was... She just sees me as a meal ticket.

After three weeks ILY's and "I miss you's" started coming through. The distinct absence of daily 'triggers' (mentioned above) allowed my resentment walls to weaken. I had plenty of free time to truly think with a clear mind. I decided to give it another shot. I gave her a 'trial run' without her knowledge (yeah, I'm a bastard... sorry) She came over and the boundary I put up was: "We're on our second honeymoon. NO COMPLAINTS." She tried but I flagged them down. Without the complaints in the way I was able to "see" her again.

So WTF is my point?

Your mind is playing tricks on you. You've admitted your resentment is building... and building... and building. Mine was too. I was so tightly wound up that I would interpret even the slightest thing as an insult. I would look for reasons that weren't even there to justify an excuse. The sad thing is Luv, BOTH OF YOU are doing this.

BOTH of you need a time-out. Look at his 3 day business trip as a blessing. It's not much but it might make a slight difference. It will give him a little breathing space. (Barring the existence of an affair) And let me tell you something else... At this point in time BOTH of you are susceptible to an affair.

You have three wonderful days of peace of mind my dear. Your mind is messing you up. Take the time to cool off. Your proximity to each other at the moment is detrimental. Your mind is your worst enemy right now, MORE than he is.

Please take all the above as a soft 2x4 from me.

[luvless]

I read...and re read. I get it. Don't get me wrong I was happy he was leaving I didn't want him around (it just causes me hurt n anger) so yes, I am glad he left for a few days. I'm sure he is glad to get away too.

I will back off now. I'm still VERY hurt and VERY angry at the way he punishes me (withholding affection) but for my own good I will try so so hard to stop thinking and over reacting with every single thing. I have to tell you I get so mad thinking about this though. I'm tired of it.

thank you G - if I need a 2x4 you give it to me

[Gnosis]

Hey Luv, that quote I pasted in there... that's you too my dear. Just replace "she" with "he" and you'll see what I mean.

The two of you are building up forces on the front lines. The tension is palpable between you. All that's needed is one of you to drop a match and spark off World War III.

I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

One of you has to back down. You're the one here who is seeking help and unfortunately that means "You're It."

[luvless]

For my kids sake I will be the one to back down.

I hate him for making me feel this way about him. He CHOOSES to push me away is how I see it.

I don't even know what to think anymore.