Thanks for asking, nutfarmer. Just an update. I'm feeling a bit better. Have been more firm in my dealings with her. Last two counseling sessions have been more productive. She's taking small steps-calling, being home on time, emailing me, being a more engaged mother, texting, etc. But I'm not an idiot, and I'm not going to simply relax on this.
One of my feelings lately is that I think her idealized rship with Mr Nooner is coming back to earth. I don't know if it's dying a natural death, or what, but I'm sensing that something is not going perfectly there.
One thing I'm noticing also is that the more I work through this, the stronger I am in dealing with her crap. I'm getting in great shape, talking to a DB coach weekly, connecting with old friends, etc and it really does help fill the void.
Thats the latest. I'll quit while I'm ahead. Thanks to all for your continued help. And Happy Turkey Day tomorrow.
Update: Had a talk today, wife finally admitted that she is in love with this loser of a dude, and that they are still in contact, and that they've had sex more than once, etc... I immediately told her that she needs to be out of the house, in a hotel, and that she needs to do it as soon as possible. She agreed, and headed to a hotel for the rest of the day. I think she was surprised that I called her bluff, and she's probably relieved to not be lying to me anymore (in her mind).
I'm relieved to have her admit the truth. Im also disgusted. But I'm a little hopeful. I think she's due for a reality check, what with being away from her kids much more, me not waiting around for her, etc. I'm guessing her lover will become less appealing also, though it's hard to just sit by.
actually, four hours later, I'm sitting here alone, and this is so hard. Maybe I was in shock earlier. I just can't think about everything she admitted to. Its devastating, esp. as I sit in our house with our two kids, and she's not here anymore.
Hi Doc, I'm Sandi. I was almost a WAW a little over two years ago. I had been M for a long time. Came from a good Christian family and M a good man. My children were grown and I started having health problems. I was on quite a bit of meds and went to several doctors.....which resulted in changing medication a lot of times.
I suppose I will never know for certain if that had anything to do with my thought process, but I had been on a lot of different anti-depressants and then was suddenly taken off of them. I won't blame my actions on the medication changes, but that was when I became involved in an EA, and it came close to becoming a PA. Thank God I found this board before I totally thew my life to the wind.
I never walked away....but I did keep the WAW mentality for quite some time. But, my M is in tact now, and we are doing good. I told you all of that hoping that it might encourage you not to give up. If you think you can be able to forgive your W and if she comes out of her WAW fog....you can make this work.
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actually, four hours later, I'm sitting here alone, and this is so hard. Maybe I was in shock earlier. I just can't think about everything she admitted to. Its devastating, esp. as I sit in our house with our two kids, and she's not here anymore.
I'm sure you had anger on your side when you told her to get out of the house. Now, the reality of being without "her" is hitting you. Not that there is ever a good time for families to break apart, but it always seem so terrible when it happens at Christmastime. I hope you will make plans to keep yourself busy and don't be alone unless you really choose to be, b/c you need to be around people that appreciate you. Holidays can be a lonely time for lots of people (as I'm sure you know), so be kind to yourself.
Are you a Christian? Many people have their faith that carries them through the tough times. It is encouraging to me to read how many people here on the board are Believers and share their faith.
It is very important that you come as often as you can and post on the board. Read threads that others have written and you will realize how many have stories like yours. You may read advice that would apply to your stitch. If you will reach out to others on their threads, it will help to build up your support group. Give people time to find you and post to you, okay? Please don't stop coming back.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just can't think about everything she admitted to. Its devastating, esp. as I sit in our house with our two kids, and she's not here anymore.
Doc...the treatment for that malady is to take the kids out of the house and do something fun. No, it won't take the pain away, but it will provide a distraction. Keep doing it...both you and your kids will benefit.
A related question: We have a couples counseling session this Thursday. Counselor doesn't know the latest since we haven't seen him in two weeks, so he'll be shocked.
How do I do DB stuff in the session? I feel like she just needs to spend most of the time talking. I don't want to talk about how hurt I was, etc, per DB techniques. But I want to get something out of the session since it is the only time we will really talk at all this week...
My guess is that the counselor will tell you that there's not much that can be done while your wife is involved with another person. That has been my experience. I wouldn't expect to get anything out of the session except to let the counselor know what's going on. You won't get any relationship work done because she's too busy thinking about the other relationship.
As for where you go from here...that depends on your convictions and your temperment. You'll find a wide spectrum of coping strategies here, each one suited to different values and priorities.
At the very least, you should consult a lawyer (one who specializes in fathers' rights if you can find one) to educate yourself about your rights and responsibilities. Channel as much of your energy as possible into being the best father you can. They need you to be the stable, focused and rational parent that your wife is not.
