Help Me Bust My Divorce

[Fightin4mywife]

Ok 25. I've been extremely busy with my seasonal business and so off-line for sometime. The details you request:

My own junk - tobacco addiction and years of broken promises to quit; Some limited past porn use and lies regarding it; anger; some physical and verbal abuse; years of promises to change and never repeat certain behaviors. Most behaviors did cease several years ago. One incident of physical abuse last year (I smacked her on the bottom).

No single incident occurred that prompted her actions. I believe the most critical issue is that I never accepted responsibility for my atrocious behavior, never owned it and repented and never came to my wife, in love, and attempted to rebuild trust and security.

She obviously has her own issues but regardless I have not been a compatible, loving, nurturing, caring husband/father much of the time. I have such regret and remorse over my actions. I grieve the hurt I see in her and wish I could carry it for her. But I can't tell or show her that.

The bottom line is just what Michele tells us. She believes she knows everything about me, and believes that I can never change. Well, I understand thats her reality. I also know better because I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my path over the last year that have held my hand and walked me through the process of taking responsibility, confessing, repenting, making amends and seeking forgiveness and finding my own self-respect. I am happy with who I am today. I did all that crap, but I'm free today. Of course she can't believe. And what she see's she believes to be lies and manipulation.

The thing about all this is that my wife and I are not far apart. If she knew my heart today, and my desire to protect her and reassure and nurture her, she would get crazy in love with me. She just cannot trust right now. I don't blame her. But I sure want to have the opportunity.

As far as her responsibility goes, she can be very controlling and if I don't in loving, gentle fashion excercise my responsible authority, she pushes more and I get more resentful and pull away. I indulge work and hobbies (no more destructive stuff though; even found victory over tobacco 6 months now! yay!) Ultimately I would typically get angry, yell, cuss and finally, if it gets really out of hand, get physical. Believe me, I still cry almost daily over this stuff I did to my wife. But no more beating myself up. She does enough of that. God set me free.

But even inspite of all my junk I did to her she was generally accomodating sexually. She did use it often to manipulate but even participated within a month of her decision to file.

I initially started attempts at reconciliation by working the Love Dare. Was experiencing HUGE success until she reported this stuff to her friend/confidant/self-described-counselor who advised her to run for the hills and not trust this manipulating, liar. Ironically her friend/counselor is a family friend and has never spoken to me about any of this or made any attempt to help us.

Very interesting point your last paragraph. Thank you for the reality check. Let me know if more info needed. thanks
jim