feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

I think I have the stomach to talk about Friday night now.

We went to dinner (had a nice time but I'm still feeling cold inside) but still had an ok time together.

We start talking in the car he says, "I don't wanna stress..I don't care about anything anymore." I say, "why would you say that?" He said, "I don't" in a very cold and sarcastic way. I am really upset and stay quiet...he gets irritated. We get home and he says, "I wanna sit and have a glass of wine and listen to some christmas music." I say, "I can't find the wine cabinet key" (cuz I don't want him to drink anymore) remember he drinks too much and gets verbally abusive.

I go to the room he comes in (here goes our dynamic) H comes in and says, "I thought we were gonna have a drink." I look at him in amazement and say, "do you remember what you just said to me?" as if I'm gonna sit next to him after he talks to me that way?

M - I can't believe what you said to me
H - I don't wanna stress anymore and I'm not doing it
M - why are you talking like this?
H - you keep pushing and pushing (raising his fists in anger)
M - if you don't care what are you doing here? what do you want from me?
H - I'm leaving (gets his jacket n keys)
M - please don't drive you've been drinking (in front of my 18 yr old S)
H - I only had a couple it's no big deal (great parenting)
M - I'm asking you not to drive
H - refuses and leaves says he's gonna get gas

I cry and feel like [censored] - he's never left the house - ever like that. He left for an hour (I guess he got gas and parked around the street) I textd him "come home" and he replied, "i need to be alone." I said, "ok be safe."

He comes in and says, "tomorrow I'm doing one thing and one thing only..I'm putting up the christmas lights." (? thought he didn't care about anything?) is he asserting his I'm gonna do what I wanna do power? or was he relaying to me he cared about this house by saying he was putting up lights?

He came in the room a couple times (he didn't really wanna be there) he did make one last very cold comment to me - "I wanted to get on the freeway and drive to texas." I couldn't say a word cuz that one punched me in the stomach.

My self took an emotional beating that night. I got up on saturday morning (you know that sick feeling when you get up and remember?) and I went to the bathroom and said to myself, "today is the day to flip the switch." In our R I tell him don't push me - if you flip the switch - there is no turning it back on. I am choosing to shut down. It's a safe place for me to be right now.

I have disdain for my H and how he's been treating me - I just don't think he can gain my love and respect back.