Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[sandi2]

Thanks Stuck for letting me know about the anniversary thing. That did seem very insensitive of your W, but it is a sign of how withdrawn she seems to be from her family and the events/ties that she has with the past.

It sounds as if your 6 yr. old has watched the Parent Trap a few times! She must be a very smart little girl. She obviously loves her parents very much and this is so painful for her.

I am very concerned about your W. I have thought of a couple of things that would be affecting her this way.....and have shared that with you. But it sounds as if she is putting up higher walls around her where her children are concerned. Is she cutting herself off from all her family & old friends? If she is not in an A or seems to have her eye on some OM.....then she must be very depressed to shut herself off like this. I could understand her reacting to you ....her children. Not a good sign.

If I had been in your W's place and my little girl wanted me to watch a "special" video and I saw what it was.......my first thoughts would be that daddy put her up to it. Even if your W didn't think that.....just the fact that she is in the frame of mind that she's in would make her leave the room. She's still that WAW and as heartless as it is.....she is going to be too lost in her own fog to be able to be the mother she needs to be. Some day when/if she finally comes to herself and truly realizes the pain she's caused.....that will be a very dark time for her.

I am still having to deal with my own regrets after all this time. Stuck.....I was so fogged out that it was if my mind would not allow myself to really look at my H and face what I had done to the person who loved me the most. I am so sorry about your sweet family. I am sorry for you and the children.....and I am sorry for your W. I had hoped so hard that she would wake up, but now I'm afraid she's too far gone. If she pulls out of this, then she'll realize she has nobody to blame but herself and when she has to deal with her loss.....it will be tragic.

But....you...my friend...are doing what I think you need to do. I know it was a hard decision and that you may feel a bit of confusion at what to do or about what you feel...or don't feel. Just take it slow and I believe God will make a way for you. I believe that--b/c you have honored God...and He keep great notes.

[MrBond]

Thanks Sandi.

Right now when I see my W I feel pity towards her. True I am attracted physically to her, but emotionally, I just feel sorry. She could have everything she wanted and ever asked for, but she's not reaching for it.

Over the weekend, she had the chance to go out with her friends but it was raining so she opted not to. I, on the other hand, spent the night at my friend's on Friday night and still taking it slow. Saw my W on Saturday and had lunch together with the girls. That night was when she was planning to go out but didn't.

Then Sunday, she stopped by the house to drop something off and we ended up having dinner together. It was light and casual. At this point, I'm not going out of my way to amuse her or make her happy. I don't think she's being "attracted" back. She's got a long way to go before she can heal.

Meanwhile, I've asked my friend to come over on Friday and we were going to spend the day and the next together. Right now if my W doesn't start getting her butt in gear, she's going to lose it all. Sad how I have to end up balancing the two.

[MrBond]

So tonight I'm going out with my female friend and tomorrow I'm letting my W have the kids for Thanksgiving lunch and I'm taking them for dinner. This totally sucks but it is what it is.

Last night, my W was watching the kids since she had a half day, so when I got home I asked her if she wanted to join us for dinner. She did. It was nice and comfortable. When we got back home, she helped get the kids ready for bed and left.

I engaged in conversations with her but usually just got the typical one word answers from her. She still seems to be in a funk.

They were sad when they saw her leaving, but it was nice of her to hang around. She gets them this weekend, however we're going to both take the kids to the museum on Friday. Then half way I'm leaving to see my friend.

I do want my M to work and have left it up to the big J-man to see what happens.

[K4D]

Happy Thanksgiving Stuck,

Kevin

[antlers]

the big J-man

[K4D]

So how did thanksgiving and the weekend go? Any positive movement or softening?

Kevin

[MrBond]

Thanks Kevin.

Well let's see, Thanksgiving was uneventful. I think I mentioned earlier that she had the kids for a late lunch and I picked them up for dinner. She didn't join us or invite me to her Thanksgiving celebration. Oh well that's up to her. I invited her to my dinner and she politely declined. After dinner I dropped them back off at her sister's place.

That Friday, I picked her and the kids up to go and check out the dinosaur exhibit we have in town. She seemed pretty blah, so I tried to keep everything light. There were times where she came out of her "fog" but then went right back into it.

After I dropped her and the kids back off at her sister's place, I went to pick up my female friend and she stayed over at my place till Sunday. Nothing happened between the two of us and I was working most of the time, but I enjoyed having someone at home again who wanted to be there for me.

Everything with my friend has been going very well. In fact, a little too well. I can tell she'd like a little more of a commitment which I just can't give her right now as much as I'd like to. When I have my kids, they ask me to pray that Mom comes home and that we're one big happy family again.

I totally still wish that, but don't know how long she's going to be in her "fog". And now that I have this friend who is essentially the perfect person for my sitch and me, I really have to make some tough decisions soon.

My friend even came over to my place yesterday to drop off dinner for me since she knew I was working late. I can't even remember when the last time was that my W did something like that.

So do I continue to fight and stand for my M or do I go with this good person I have right now? HMMMMMM.

[sandi2]

I know I've told you this before, but I can't help myself. Be careful of rebounds, sweetie. It's been a long time since you have been in a loving R and I'm sure it would not take much to convince yourself this friend was the "one" for you. Don't think I'm not giving you more credit than that....it's just that I've seen it happen too many times with others. Maybe you should "play the field" before deciding to decide.

[MrBond]

Thanks Sandi for the comments.

I'm being as careful as I can right now. I'm still not trying to rush into anything with my friend even though she wants more.

For the past few days, things have been so busy at work that I really haven't had a chance to think about my sitch. I think I've gotten to where 25mlc was where I'm detached enough that while I do want my W back to a certain degree, I'm just doing my own thing and not thinking about it.

I see her every weekend though when we do stuff together with the kids. She seems thinner and not as happy as she used to. So I try to keep things light, but not go overboard or out of the way to accomodate her. I invite her to things (always with the kids) and she always accepts. She's never invited me to anything, but that's okay.

It's really weird the dynamic now between her and my friend. My W doesn't know about my friend and it really isn't any of her business. We'll just have to see how much further along things get.

[MrBond]

Oh I forgot to mention a few important things.

Over the weekend, I invited her to come with us to pick up a Christmas tree for the house. She said okay and stayed to decorate. After we were done, I dropped her off at her sister's place only to find out that her car had been broken into.

The shattered her passenger side window and just took some spare change. Nothing big. She looked pretty depressed, but told me that I could go back home and that she'd wait for the cops. I told her 'no way' and that I was going to stay because that's what husbands do. So I cleaned up the glass and assisted the cops with the report. Afterwards her sister came home and she gave me a hug and thanked me for taking care of her sister.

I gave my W a hug and told her that she can call me any time she needs something, then left with the kids.

She took Monday off to take care of the logistics of getting her glass replaced. On Tuesday, I ordered a simple bouquet of flowers to her office with a note saying that I know she had a rough weekend and hoped these cheered up the rest of her week. She actually called twice to thank me as I let the messages go to Voicemail.

Yesterday we had dinner together with the kids and she was in a grouchy mood as it looked like she was pretty tired. After dinner, I wished her goodnight and left. I emailed her later today to apologize for being late with our kids yesterday and appreciated her joining us for dinner.

This weekend, we're taking our D to march in a local parade. We'll probably have dinner after. Tonight though, I'm going out with my friend.

Life is complicated but good!