Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

there is something many, many BSs have said on other forums that I think is true:
MC is useless while they are in the A.

I did it with WH during false R. We went a couple of times after DDay #2, when I gave him ultimatum, while I was still pregnant--didn't do any good. And my WH was real sorry, crying for hurting me, and hasn't acted like a jerk to me (aside from cheating on me)but it didn't help him to end the A.

Many BSs say that sometimes the WS agrees to go in order to say "see? I tried everything I could to work on the marriage but it was useless."

How long do you think your H's A has lasted now? Do you think it started before he moved out?

[Day by Day]

I think the A has lasted since probably Feb. before he moved out.

I just replied to H that C was not scheduled. Nothing else about it. He just replied ok. He then mentioned he was sick with a cold he got from his last business trip and asked how I did in my half marathon. I find it a change for him to be adding personal info and asking me personal things. I'm not trying to read much into it, just find it curious. I'm so tired of being hurt.

WAH also picked up the kids for the afternoon. I wasn't home when he came and sent him a TM that I was getting home around 9:30pm because he was keeping them till 8:30. Still dropped them off around 8:30. He asked the kids where I was. They also said he was criticizing me to them but they told him to cut it out.

I was out with my girlfriends to a Xmas tree farm and then shopping and out to dinner. Had a wonderful time. Just hoping to detach and be busy. It helps.

I still haven't been able to confront about the A; I only let him know by email that I know. This sitch is so weird. No apology, no remorse, no acknowledgement. Only distance.

[newmama]

Daybyday, eeeeeeexcellent job not being home when he dropped them off!!!And you didn't reply about the personal stuff, right?

About the way he is acting reguarding A: totally typical!

I know it seems hard right now but I was thinking how NC is actually easier on the BS because it saves them from pain of seeing WS.

[Day by Day]

Okay, hit me with a 2x4... I did reply about the personal stuff. Told him I did okay with my half marathon and I told him I hope he got better from his cold. I was afraid that by being unresponsive I'd give him more reasons to criticize me. So I thought I'd respond as if he were my friend.

Now in hindsight, I feel maybe he was testing to see if I had moved on.

Oh, and he told the kids that he is working on our sitch. Baloney, and they called him on it. He said it's harder than they think. Still a liar.

[newmama]

Good for your kids.

About him testing to see if you you moved on...when I have broken up w/ boyfriends and they emailed me later to say hello, I emailed them back all pleasant but without intention of getting back together.

So being nice doesn't necessarily mean you haven't moved on.
But decide what strategy you are using...if you are using NC for you, then you shouldn't reply to personal stuff.

If you are acting as if you don't care what he does and are just living your life, polite is fine.

[Day by Day]

Now after learning how to do NC the right way (since I was doing it all wrong) I need to decide which would be best. I always get confused after the kids have contact/spend time with him because of the contact I have with him to arrange it.

I was thinking of starting w Plan A letter to get out of this limbo. He may not answer, but then when I go NC, he will know why. But first, I'm thinking of sending WAH this email:

"The kids have told me that you have said to them that 'we are working on our relationship.' They understand this as we are trying to get back together.

I don't find it fair for you to say that to them and give them false hopes of something that is not being worked on. If you truly mean it, I would need to know this to be able to work on a reconciliation."

I'd appreciate input on whether I should send it.

[MHL]

DBD,
Sounds like your on the right track IMHO, just need to not slip up here and there, and I say that from experience with my WAW today. Don't beat yourself up about it, he is torn up too otherwise he would not have told the kids that he is working on the sitch.
I think I would hold off on the email. It would not demonstrate that you are moving on, you would be critizing him. Put yourself in his shoes if you send that email you are still being his backup plan. I know you want to zing him but don't it will hurt your cause. I have to go now and eat at friends but will add more later tonight. Hang tough, this is the patience part and doing nothing is the "working on it or DBing" as you stated a couple of posts back. Write down on a calendar or journal that he told the kids he is working on the sitch. Okay really gotta go.

[newmama]

Daybyday, that email does not say that you only want to talk to him if he wants to end the relationship or work on R. I think that is the message of NC.

To communicate about the kids looks like:
You can pick them up at 5. I'llbe back by 8. OR
Johnny hasn't turned in his homework. Please look for it in his backpack.
Hi. Here are the kids. I'm fine, thanks. Bye.

TO THE POINT.

I think I remember another poster saying he never sent an NC letter- he just went NC.

[Day by Day]

Glad I didn't contact. WAH is such a jerk. He emailed me stating that he did some budget crunching and I need to get a job if the kids are to continue in private school next year. I've recently gone back to school and am not working. I've been a SAHM for 12 years!

He wants to schedule discussing this with a counselor to facilitate it.

I think OW is pressuring for D.

[newmama]

I can't remember...did you see a lawyer/counselor yet?

But guess what...you don't have to respond. Remember that my WH brought up divorce talk but hasn't in 5-6 weeks now. I NEVER bring it up.

Also, please trust yourself when it comes to interacting with your WH. If you think following our advice is wrong for him, then feel good about ignoring it! Hopefully you have found some similarities in someone's WS to get ideas as to how to react.

BE CALM, COLLECTED, CONFIDENT, COOL. (another poster's phrase!)