New to the Divorce Situation

[goldeylox]

Dude. How many times did you say 'she' in that post?
Finding the right level of detachment is hard. I know, I'm dealing with it in my sitch. Guess it's time for me to dig out the book and dust out the cobwebs too.
I agree w/ Greek, don't beat yourself up. Big deal. Things will only eat you up if you let them.
I'm taking D13 to a movie later. What will you do to increase your PMA today?
And for what it's worth, I keep my purse close because I've started smoking again and I get tired of H throwing them out, or S16 is quite possibly helping himself. Or, I could just quit.
Greek: Where's your or Coach's thread? Can one of you stop by mine, please? I have a new one in 'I Need Support'.
Again, sorry for the hi-jack DD. Peace.

[DDogs]

QUESTION:

I was told by a very reliable source, that since October 09 W has been saying to close friends that she wants a divorce and that we are in counseling to get me to agree to one.. W was also quoted as saying,

"I am tired and stressed but I finally feel like I am doing the right thing so its worth all the craziness."

Any opinions, assessment.. Is W wavering? My best options?

[sandi2]

Hi DD. I have read your thread and there was something that jumped out at me and I've not seen anyone mention it....so I will.

she became physically unappealing,

This is how you described your W (I think after she had the baby), but my question is if she ever regained her looks or began to take better care of herself? My second question is how much of her being unappealing did it have on you turning to another woman?

If your W stopped trying to look her best or she wasn't taking care of herself, there is a few reasons that it could be. She was extremely exhausted from child care (no sleep, etc.), she had postpartum depression, or her self-esteem was zero, or she had no sex drive and was repulsed at the thought of sex, or she was rejected when she wanted sex. Which do you think it was?

I believe we all can see how your A hurt the M and how things have not healed from that standpoint. But, would you say that there were serious sexual problems before your A? Could you tell us when that started?

Maybe you do not see how that matters now. And, I understand that you cannot go back an undo the past. I'm not saying that, but just trying to see if we can uncover some other issues. Although the A certainly was disasterous to the R, I feel that was not the true beginning of burried issues.

Whenever a woman is unappealing to her H, that is a sign something is very wrong. If it was her self-esteem, and you were turned off by her appearance, then I'm sure she probably "knew" you were. Did she initiate ML? Did you ever reject her? If so, and then she discovers your A.........wham! That was the icing on the cake. Her reasons for telling you she had four A's.....was to hurt you, but mainly to make you jealous (IMHO). She wanted you to know that she could find a man who would do her.

She never healed from any of it and that's why she got involved with OM. She also knew that you did not call off your A with OW until your were caught and given an ultimatum. That can't be too good for a woman's ego, either.

Then, you felt so guilty b/c of your A that you begin to give into whatever your W wanted in the way of material things. But she felt empty and that wasn't getting it done for her. Also, as a result of you trying to "make up" for the hurt you had done......you actually ended up appearing "weak" in her eyes. Then she lost all respect for you.

Did your W end her A's or did the OM end it? Is that why she doesn't want a R with "any" man? Has she been rejected from all the men in her life?

*********************

Regarding moving back into the house Wednesday.......if you are having anxiety attacks and you are obsessed with your W, then how are you going to be a strong, self-confident man that your W will respect and desire? I am usually one for suggesting that the man move back home, but with your codependent problems....I am wondering if it would make you more detached and independent to live alone until you can overcome that.

[DDogs]

Hi DD. I have read your thread and there was something that jumped out at me and I've not seen anyone mention it....so I will.

she became physically unappealing,

This is how you described your W (I think after she had the baby), but my question is if she ever regained her looks or began to take better care of herself? My second question is how much of her being unappealing did it have on you turning to another woman?

Yes, she began working out a bit, but did not get the results she wanted. About 1 yr later, I supported her idea of cosmetic surgery, it was extensive and successful..

The unappealingness was a factor in my A.

If your W stopped trying to look her best or she wasn't taking care of herself, there is a few reasons that it could be. She was extremely exhausted from child care (no sleep, etc.), she had postpartum depression, or her self-esteem was zero, or she had no sex drive and was repulsed at the thought of sex, or she was rejected when she wanted sex. Which do you think it was?

As I'm reading thru this I now can see my self as being very selfish and a major [censored]....In hindsight, I think it was a combination of the exhaustion, (no Post P Depr), and lo self esteem as W never thought she was attractive. Also, I never rejected her for sex.

I believe we all can see how your A hurt the M and how things have not healed from that standpoint. But, would you say that there were serious sexual problems before your A? Could you tell us when that started?

I agree how my A hurt the M...We began have sex issues shortly after W arrived, we were on opposite coast for 1 yr. We had different drives, mine much higher than hers.. that caused tension between us.

Maybe you do not see how that matters now.

I absolutely do,,, I'm embarrassed to say how I behaved.

Also, as a result of you trying to "make up" for the hurt you had done......you actually ended up appearing "weak" in her eyes. Then she lost all respect for you.

Thank you, I do understand that I need to regain her respect,,I'm working on GAL and get my life back. I'm making improvements but I don't know if there is enough time left..W always told me how much she fell for me because all of the activities I was doing..I'm definitely aware I let that part slip.

Did your W end her A's or did the OM end it? Is that why she doesn't want a R with "any" man? Has she been rejected from all the men in her life?

I demanded W end it. W later admitted to me he was probably was a player but was "interested in her for her and not just for sex". Told me he didn't call her back for a week after their first encounter. but she talked and he "listened"....

I'm not aware of many of her past R.. She has a great relationship and respects her dad very much..

Regarding moving back into the house Wednesday.......if you are having anxiety attacks and you are obsessed with your W, then how are you going to be a strong, self-confident man that your W will respect and desire? I am usually one for suggesting that the man move back home, but with your codependent problems....I am wondering if it would make you more detached and independent to live alone until you can overcome that.

My head is swimming, I have good days and bad, I know that I need to be back there. I understand the need to go back at close to 100% independent. I seem to have hit an f'n wall when it comes to detatching and moving forward with GAL.

It seems that everything makes sense when I read it, but F'n disappears when it's time to apply the self help techniques.. Is there some way/method to remind ones self... I get into a situation and BAM! emotions drive the train..

[DDogs]

UPDATE:
W came with S to pick up the D's near my condo. Happy, confident face in place. Kids were hungry so I suggest dinner close by. I put forth a sincere beaming attitude and directed most of my attention to the kids... As we ate, I engaged all 3 kids in great, friendly, sincere chat. Talked about what a great day the D's and I had and asked let the S know we missed him with us (he had other commitments today)...

S is learning Spanish in school, so when I was talking to him it was all in Spanish, coaching him along telling simple jokes and trying to get him to figure things out,,, W jummped in several times along with the D's trying to figure out as well..

Oddly, the best whole family dinner experience in a while.

How do/can I continue this,,I find I need 2x4 cues, hints to remind me what (and what not) to do/say..

[goldeylox]

Dinner sounded great. Those experiences are so good for the PMA.
DD-I don't think it's so much that you need to remember what to say or not say. Say the truth. I don't mean that you should not be polite, or kind. But if you have to force words that aren't you, or censor your words so as not to offend, then are you really helping the sitch?
Since my return home, I'm much more direct. People aren't used to it. Don't always like what I have to say.
Someone said on this site, you have to become a welcome mat, instead of a doormat. Not trying to say you're a doormat, by the way, it's just a little 'clue' that has helped me. Peace.

[DDogs]

Thanks Goldeylox,

I do need to work on maintaing a PMA. This site helps when I read the advice to myself and others and I find myself feeling less stressed while reading..

What I mean when I say,

"I find I need 2x4 cues, hints to remind me what (and what not) to do/say.."

I need to work on my positive DB filters when I interact. I want to develope better relationship skills, so I am not repeating things that have not worked. All of these great ideas about communication seem to vanish when I speak with my W. I need to find ways to remind myself of these things before I engage my mouth..

Anyone with suggestions?

[DDogs]

Regarding moving back into the house Wednesday.......if you are having anxiety attacks and you are obsessed with your W, then how are you going to be a strong, self-confident man that your W will respect and desire? I am usually one for suggesting that the man move back home, but with your codependent problems....I am wondering if it would make you more detached and independent to live alone until you can overcome that.

Sandi2,
I understand what you are telling me. After thinking about this for a while I'm reevaluating and thinking about putting it off for another month.

I've decided that I'm going back to my MD and getting back on anti depressants. I've tried several previously but did not like how some made me feel (Wellbutrin) or the side effects (celexa,Seratonin) my last one was Lexapro and I stopped taking it after about 4 months (though I was ok).... I also was prescribed xanax to help with anxiety but have concerns about dependency on medications..

I appreciate your advice, if you have any other to offer please do..

[goldeylox]

After thinking about this for a while I'm reevaluating and thinking about putting it off for another month.

I've decided that I'm going back to my MD and getting back on anti depressants.

Goldey likes this.
There are others here who know even more than you or I about the meds, but it sounds like postponing your move and letting the meds get on board are both really good ideas.
If it's communication cues you seek, then I'm going to ask you to show Mrs. Dog the Retrovaille site, and both of you, independently, get in touch with your local chapter via phone.

[DDogs]

QUESTION:
I was told by a very reliable source, that since October 09 W has been saying to close friends that she wants a divorce and that we are in counseling to get me to agree to one.. W was also quoted as saying,

"I am tired and stressed but I finally feel like I am doing the right thing so its worth all the craziness."

Any opinions, assessment.. Is W wavering? My best options?

We have MC Tomorrow..

Anyone with any ideas on how to best address this in MC??

NO! I am not giving up! I am not agreeing to a divorce because I truly want to work/salvage my M..