I'm deeply concerned that he may be a narcissist, which would mean that this type of behavior is totally ingrained into him. Yes, I could deal with lapses, if that means he is emotionally abusive in a conversation here and there, but no, I can't deal with lapses in the sense that he cheats on me with another woman here and there. I am also afraid that if I give it another go, things will be great for awhile- long enough for me to get hooked again, and then he'll start to fall into his old ways as subtely as he did the first time.
I'm deeply concerned that he may be a narcissist, which would mean that this type of behavior is totally ingrained into him.
Perhaps he could be counselling for that?
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Yes, I could deal with lapses, if that means he is emotionally abusive in a conversation here and there, but no, I can't deal with lapses in the sense that he cheats on me with another woman here and there.
No, I don't think any of us would tolerate that. If he becomes abusive in a conversation that that may not be a choice so much as his personality (I don't know him so I'm throwing that out there) - we all get taken over sometimes. However having another A IS a choice and none of us would put up with that.
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I am also afraid that if I give it another go, things will be great for awhile- long enough for me to get hooked again, and then he'll start to fall into his old ways as subtely as he did the first time.
It's the same in any R though. You don't know who the person is, you're scared, your worried they will leave you etc. etc. You have a track record with him that gives you more suspicion than the rest of us.
That is just something you will need to decide for yourself. Do you take the risk and have your heart broken again, do you move on and find somebody who will treat you the way you want to be treated or do you give him another chance. We all go through this.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
About the counseling- I have suggested it to him many times now, he keeps saying he'll do it, just doesn't have the money or time. I think it's a cop-out. Narcissists are the hardest people to get into therapy because they lack the humility to show up or listen to what the therapist has to say and apply it. Anyone hear about Tiger Woods? More and more I am disgusted with people. Affairs are everywhere. Meanwhile, I have, at my spouse's request, made a (non-exhaustive) list of things that would need to change in our relationship for it to work. I am hesitating on sending it- my therapist thinks I should. I just don't want to give him the impression that if he attempts these things it'll be like nothing ever happened, and even if I give him the disclaimer that it's just something to start a conversation about whether reconciliation is even possible, I have this feeling that he's going to get the wrong idea.
ugh just found out while he was in florida at a softball tourny with mutual friends he had some kind of rendez vous with the EA OW. Thought that was in the past. WHYYYYYYYY??? Some one please just rip this heart out of my chest.
ugh just found out while he was in florida at a softball tourny with mutual friends he had some kind of rendez vous with the EA OW. Thought that was in the past. WHYYYYYYYY??? Some one please just rip this heart out of my chest.
Do you know this for SURE? Give him the option to come clean.
Last edited by P17; 12/05/0907:08 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I asked him about it- his response was, "yes she was there. we shared our experiences, nothing abnormal happened." well, just her being there, by definition, was abnormal. she lives in new york- the tournament was in florida.
Update: we have had 2 good conversations- by good, I mean productive. He has acknowledged several of his problems. I gave him, at my therapist's encouragement, a list of things that would need to change in order for our relationship to have a chance- I think communicating these things really showed him how sick he was in our relationship- actually he said this himself. He is considering thoughtfully the commitment that saying yes to these changes would mean- it's A LOT to ask, and he understands its now or never, and I have tried to put no pressure on him but to do what he feels is best- because I realize at this point if he comes back to me out of guilt or anything like that it won't work in the long run. He has to be in it with 100% of his heart. Also I know that if he says yes to these things, it's really just the start- there are still a lot of questions that need answered, and he needs to show me his commitment to change. If he cannot accept the changes, we will divorce. In the meantime, I am trying to prepare myself for whatever his response is. It is so hard to leave your heart open but to protect it at the same time- a very delicate balancing act. I am praying to God that we both choose the right paths, whatever those may be.
H still wants another chance. I feel SO ambivalent. I love him, I miss him, but I still feel deep hurt, I still doubt his ability to change so much, and honestly, I'm beginning to enjoy this freedom. Even though I am lonely, I get to spend my time however I want. I get to do what I want with my life. I was so willing to sacrifice those things before but am not so sure now. Can anyone relate to my situation/ How do I deal with this ambivalence? He's asked if we can start talking more. Shouldn't I be THRILLED? Why am I not?
