Magnificent

[mishka422]

Mom has been in her room, sick, for 2 days now. She didn't go to dialysis yesterday because she was too weak to get to the car. I wanted to take her to the hospital but she nixed that and just wanted to stay in bed.

This terrible feeling has come over me. I really think this is going to be a LONG haul to the end. She can't get any better and I'm just not here enough to make sure that she has everything she needs. Home health comes to check her vitals and give her a sponge bath but that is all they can do. 2 days a week for about an hour each time. The rest of the time it's me taking care of her or she's alone. I'm SO not qualified for this!

I've been home this weekend because I was afraid to leave her alone for too many hours. I gave up my shift at the store yesterday and I'm not scheduled there the rest of the week. Probably a good thing. Since I was home I have been cleaning and trying to get Marc to help me get some of the Christmas decorations down from the attic. He 'conveniently' finds friends who want to hang out and do stuff. Part of this is definitely my problem. I have a very hard time telling him he can't be with his friends and has to stay home and help me. He only has a couple of friends so having some that actually want to spend time with him is unusual. I hate to tell him he can't. My problem, not really his. I have always felt that I tell him no far too often about everything else so when it is only an inconvenience to me I just can't do it.

None of the above makes a lick of sense does it? I can't seem to put the words in any order that says what I'm trying to say. Oh well, you guys know me pretty well by now so maybe you can make it work.

Church was amazing this morning. "Voices of Mobile" came to perform. They are an elite choral group from the University of Mobile (a Christian university) and perform all over the world. It was very inspirational.

I'll spew this out here so I can hopefully put it away. Feel free to smack me all you like about it.

The sad feelings have been hitting me in lapping waves over the last few days. I shake them off pretty quickly but the more they come the harder it is becoming. It's not one thought that is causing this, it's a myriad of emotions and feelings. Knowing that the situation I am in can not change and feeling hopeless because of it is dragging my spirit very low. There are times that the stupid self-pity comes up and that makes me very mad at myself. Being out at a shopping center yesterday nearly had me in tears in public. That was really dumb, but it just seemed like every corner I turned I would see more families holding hands, couples hugging, people being people basically and it made me feel very, very alone. ICK! I really need to learn to just tune out and keep focused on living with what I have and not wishing for what I won't. Good grief. How many more years is this going to take me? I feel like I've come so far some days, but then seeing something as simple as a man taking a woman's hand and lifting it to his lips will turn me into a sniveling mess.

Ok....all out now.....back to figuring out how to get these danged boxes out of the attic without killing myself in the process. Getting me and boxes through a small hole in the ceiling of the garage onto a rickety step ladder is NOT a pretty sight!