First time poster feeling a bit lost

[sandi2]

[[quote]quote]Originally Posted By: Quote:
Listen carefully here....in the past her problems were your problems b/c you were her H and that's just how it is in a MR. However, at this point you allow her problems to be hers and not your....okay? That's very important, and you will come to understand why more and more as we go along.

Sandi,

Am I right in saying that this is part of her having her cake and eating it? Can you explain a little more?

Thanks

What I was trying to say in that quote was how you must change your way of thinking as her H......who would take care of her problems......to the man who is separated from her problems and takes care of only himeself. Stop thinking of yourself as her "husband".

Anything you to that enables her to continue down the path she is presently on......allows her to cake eat. So, if you help her with any of her problems, it allows her to cake eat. It is hard not to do as you did in the past and go to her aide, but remind yourself that it will enable her to do what you don't want.

A WAW has to have life hard b/c if they have everything handed to them on a silver platter, why would they ever look back? A LBH must stand up to his WAW and tell her "no" to the things that he knows is wrong. When she is being selfish, see it as that and don't buy into her trying to "get control of her life". Sure, she's trying to get control.....and walk right out of your life forever. Are you going to help her?

*******************************

I meant to add something in the last post about the detaching and attitude. You mentioned how you didn't know if you could do that without being grumpy or angry around her. The DR book teaches how the LBS needs to act positive and upbeat when around the WAS. Some people don't understand how to do that or what it really means. I have used this example of the commercial on TV that shows the man arriving at the office and he's going through the big office area of people working. He is very friendly....speaking or waving his hand as he passes by. But the key is that he doesn't stop! He just smiles....waves....and keeps on moving. This man shows confidence and strength! He is a man on the move. People like him. They respond in a positive way to him. You know by watching him that he would be a person you would like to be around. He shines with personality. Now let's say one of those office women were to stop this man and talk to him.....maybe even try to flirt a little bit. He is a busy man. He is a professional man. So he will not flirt back with her, but he will keep it strickly business. He will be polite and handle it in a friendly, business manner ....and then move on with his day.

This is exactly how you need to deal with your WAW. You just smile and wave and keep on moving forward. If she contacts you, then you talk to her in a polite, friendly business manner and keep it short (break off the communication first) and then move on....b/c you are a busy man.

Are you afraid of that technique? Don't be...b/c it will get her attention and she will draw closer to you. Practice being the man I just described and see what happens.