First time poster feeling a bit lost

[sandi2]

Sorry dinner did not go as you had hoped. I had to smile when you were describing how pretty your W looked. A WAW does so much damage to a LBH's self-esteem and I'm sure that is one reason you felt inferior, but don't you think she dressed that way for "you"?

Regarding the dating.....I know you don't feel that you should date while M, and I respect that....but I just want you to notice her reaction when she realized you were refering to yourself. She was stunned! You see, to a WAW everything is about "her" and she thought you would be too depressed at her leaving and she never dreamed that you might actually think about GAL like that!

But then she realized I was talking about me with someone else, It stopped her dead for a few seconds, she said she hasn't thought about it...(silence) "you have do what you is right for you"...I followed up by saying I am married.

If only you would not have "followed up" with an answer at all and just let her wonder. You see, she needs to get her attention off of herself long enough to realize that you really are the prize that she wants and doesn't want to throw you out there for some other lucky woman to have. Don't you see that? You can bet that if she has any feeligs at all, that will trigger it. It is human nature!

I know that most people think of dating as the same thing as having sex.....but I don't. I think you could go to dinner or a show or something casual. Do you have a female friend who is single and would know that it was a "friends only" type of evening?

She really needs to know that you are out there enjoying yourself. You won't have to explain that to her b/c somebody will be telling her that they saw you and how great you seem to be. Now, the first thing most LBH's think is that their WAW will think that the H doesn't want to work on the M and that it will push her away more. But it works the opposite way......unless she truly has absolutely no feelings left for you....and if that was the case, then nothing would help or hurt any more.

She told me that she still loves me but the way in which she loves me has changed. we discussed this a little, I am (to mirror your comments Sandii) more like a brother.

Even more reason that you must not behave like her brother. She needs to be sexually attracted to you. I learned early in my teen years that the worst thing a man wants to hear a woman say is that she thinks of him like a brother. That means she has no sexual attraction at all toward him. So.....you need to light her fire. However, with a WAW you cannot do it the same way you would if you were still together and just need to give the M some sizzle. She first needs to realize that she does indeed still desire you. But, if you stay at home and play the faithful, dutiful, pitiful, left behind H......do you think she is going to be attracted to that? As a former almost WAW who said the same thing about my H, I can tell you that she will not find that threatening one bit. By threatening, I mean that she needs to feel "threatened" of losing YOU!!

You have been so focused on losing her and she has been so focused on leaving you that neither of you have looked at this stich in a different light. You need to become the WAS. You need to have the attitude that you have decided that you would like to be single again. The more you think about being "free", the more appealing it sounds. Don't you see that that attitude showing in you will be a lot more productive than your "disappointed" attitude that showed after the dinner the other night.

Maybe none of this makes sense to you....but it doesn't have to make sense, you just need to trust that it works and do it. Look at my signature line.

I so badly want to detach but dont know how?

Detaching first comes by physically detaching from her and stop any contact. If she contacts you, then you are polite and talk to her as if she is your cousin. That keeps you from showing your emotions. Hopefully if will keep you from getting into a R talk.

Staying busy and planing ahead will help you detach. GAL does wonders for detaching. But mostly, detaching is about "attitude", and when you truly detach, she'll know it....we will know it....and you will know it.

I want her to see me moving on with my life, but dont know how to do it right now without being a little grumpy and angry around her.

I don't know if I am understand what you mean here, but I'll take a stab at it. Are you saying that you think she needs to see you being grumpy at her for what she's done......or are you saying that you can't move on without feeling angry?

It may take some time for the anger to subside, but men here on the board have been shocked when they would start getting out and getting a social life and saw just how quickly they responded to that. They didn't really have a desire to socialize either....but they forced themselves, and then "wow" they saw what we were talking about. But being grumpy & angry "around her" is not the way to go, my friend. That is such a hugh turn-off and if you want her to throw D papers in your face, you keep that up and you find out. How many people do you want to be with who act that way? None, I would guess. You want to get a flicker and spark going in her.....not pour ice water on her.

It really annoys me that she thinks she calls all the shots, when to love, that she automatically gets the kids, gets to move into a new house in the future, gets her promotion and doesn't invest that benefit back into our home and R. (the very thing I thought we'd been working towards together)

Not all, but most WAW's feel the same way as she does.....and all LBH's feel like you. But the more you sit around and dwell on it, the more you are being unattractive to everyone. That is an area that you have to work on yourself. Attitude is what make people attractive....not so much their physical looks (even though that doesn't hurt). That old expression my grandmother use to tell me, "Pretty is as Pretty does" is soooooo true....only in your case it would be handsome.

She admits that she is selfish, but she needs to take control of HER life.

Script!

This is also part of my problem I have NO friends close to escape with, my family has always taken priority.

Okay, but now you have to make new friends. No excuses. People can't go through life with nobody but their spouse & kids. Surely you remember how to meet people and try to strike up a new friendship. Go to places where you will meet people. Get involved in some organization where you'll be with others. You can think of something.

She read "the walk, (WAW)" last night

Are you talking about the article that Michele wrote here on the DB home page? She doesn't need to know about this board. She doesn't need to know that you are getting your tools for DB. DB is your game plan and if she knows what that is, don't you think it would be a bit defeating?