Okay, I understand about the pictures and no battle over child custody, now.
I don't know how on earth your W would even have the nerve to get a lawyer! I don't see how you would have anything to worry about....especially if you will have the children.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
DBD, Thanks for asking, yesterday the pickup went great. I was running just a little late and I came blowing into the parking deck with the music blaring, big smile on my face as if I did not have a care in the world. W was standing at the curb with S9 waiting on me they both took a step back as I wheeled up and rolled down the windows and practically shouted, "What's going on buddy" to my S9. He hopped in the backseat and closed the door. I said to my W "I am glad he got to spend time with you, I will talk to you later" and threw it into drive and took off, music back on full blast. Victory!!! No BS, weak LBS, spineless, woe is me attitude, nothing but "Life Couldn't Be Better for Me!!!". Never heard another word from her that day. I do know that SIL was in town with her and SIL would be like the SS Nazi police, there was no way my W was going out, but I did!!! Nothing happened but I was hoping that my W would call the house and say goodnite to the children D13, S9. never happened she is still mess up in the head. But still I was out watching football, having a beer or 2 or 4 and there were a couple of women noticing me. No interest on my part but felt good to be noticed. Ended up at the bookstore and a movie by myself which was fine w me. Woke up feeling like a million bucks today. Got kids up to go to church, no problems. My W contacted me at 11:30 to pick up S9 at church (D13 hates mom). I forgot the casual clothes for S9 so my W had to follow us back out to house 10 miles away. (opps, sorry) She needed to come out anyhow to get supplies for beaded jewelry she makes on the side. (better than going out to bars to meet OM). D13 went to her room and locked door so my W could not interact w/ her. I spent the next hour with my W moving all her supplies (beads, wire, findings, etc.) to her car while S9 was playing video games. It actually felt normal, we were helpful to each other, we joked around, she commented on the fact that I got dust on my good pants. I commented that her hair was a little longer. When everything was loaded in the car I could swear that she wanted to hug me. I thought she was going to send S9 to the car to wait while we talked in the foyer. I could really feel the attraction but kept my composure. I smiled, was nice but that was it, Nothing else.
I think I pissed her off today. I told her that I would get her desk for beading jewelry together with a couple of friends later this evening. I backed out after our best friends had me and D13 over for dinner. I actually stood up to her on bringing S9 all the way out to house instead of meeting half way. Another Vicory!!! In the immortal words of James Brown "I feel Good!!".
Sandi, That is it, she is taking advice from family that refuses to see the truth. They do not want to think that their precious little niece or SIL could be capable of the things she has done or the the lies she has told to perpetuate the acts. She is broke and there is no way she could retain a lawyer to pursue any type of lawsuit. Her aunt and SIL have no means either and I just got off the phone w her MIL and she is on my side and additionally she cannot support a lawsuit. Her contacting a lawyer and possibly paying a consultation fee is a smokescreen to which I am not going to play into. I am conducting business as usual until something else changes. I will continue to be as nice as I can to my W w/o being a doormat.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Today is a little harder for me, having seen my W yesterday for about an hour and the interaction was good. A lot of the feelings for her did come rushing back later on for part of the day yesterday and pretty much full on this morning. This is the hard part, there is contact again but I need to stay positive with her and continue to GAL.
She did say some things yesterday that surprised me. She said that the new drugs she is on are much better and are doing a good job. She did seem more normal, more like her old self again, but I have to remember to believe nothing she says and half of what I see. The other thing she said is that she had dinner with her late father's second ex-wife. My W says that her father's 2nd X ruined his life and caused a great deal of pain. My W has always hated her. She shared with me that she forgave her and since her father was dead there was no reason to harbor those feelings. Knowing the sitch I said "really, i can't believe it, that is good". I wanted say " where does the line start for you to start forgiving people for the past" HA HA.
Again I don't want to read anything into this and definitely don't want to get hopes up but if while in the hospital she talked about forgiving people and putting the past behind them.....??? Another thing that has come up in the last 24 hours is that S9 told me during bedtime prayers (he prays for family healing every night) that Mom said that her and I are like gas and fire and when we are together that we blow up. Son told my W that Dad is acting alot better now. (I do own my anger management issue from the past) My W told S9 that she knew that but she needs to see more of it before she comes home. Is she open to the possibility of reconciliation? I'll never mention it have to be patient and let her come to that decision in her time.
I think that I need to continue with the LRT and continue the 180's. However, I don't want to be a doormat. Making her come all the way out to the house last night was no big deal for her but it helped me. She was a little peturbed and her mood was definitely different from earlier in the day. I am just playing it cool on the whole lawyer thing for now and see what happens and try to make any contact with her pleasant and non-confrontational, just like the list Sandi had floating around on a couple of threads.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
DBD, Thanks for asking, yesterday the pickup went great. I was running just a little late and I came blowing into the parking deck with the music blaring, big smile on my face as if I did not have a care in the world. W was standing at the curb with S9 waiting on me they both took a step back as I wheeled up and rolled down the windows and practically shouted, "What's going on buddy" to my S9. He hopped in the backseat and closed the door. I said to my W "I am glad he got to spend time with you, I will talk to you later" and threw it into drive and took off, music back on full blast.
Ohhhhh, you did good, Sweetie! I think it helps you to hang on to your self-esteem instead of junking it like a lot of LBH's do.
The days you see her showing signs of her old self will bring those old emotions back for you. But you have the right thought patterns and are handling it perfect.
Quote:
My W told S9 that she knew that but she needs to see more of it before she comes home. Is she open to the possibility of reconciliation? I'll never mention it have to be patient and let her come to that decision in her time.
This is a flicker of hope. Don't allow it to control your actions or become obsessed with it.....but it is better than her telling him that the two of you will have separate lives from now own.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Today is much better than yesterday. I find that listening to upbeat music in the car helps and puts me in the right frame of mind to allow myself to feel happy, PMA, duh. Also read most of Homer Mcdonald's, Stop Your Divorce last night, which is an online book. Same principle's as Michele's but kinda of blunt, which some of us LBH's need, aka 2 X 4 to the head. Homer actually quotes from one of Michele's books "Change your Life and Everyone in It". The Basic premise in Homer's book is to do opposite of what you "feel", I realize how much my feelings do control my actions, words and thoughts. In fact I would say that most people are slaves to their emotions or at least me and my W are. Since Saturday when I saw her for the first time in 3 weeks, I am seeing small things (very small things) from her. I have been very upbeat and positive with her, and keeping my feelings out of it, very hard but getting easier. She actually called last night to confirm times to meet for kid exchange tonight. She definitely lingered on the phone but I messed up a little. After the call I was thinking about it, and I realized I did too much talking. At first I was doing good, and even threw in a "long pause" but then slipped and started talking about myself, dumb stuff, car repair I needed to have done. Should have asked about her day, work, etc. and shut up, I'll do better tonight at drop off and pick up.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
This is a flicker of hope. Don't allow it to control your actions or become obsessed with it.....but it is better than her telling him that the two of you will have separate lives from now own.
I am not going to let it control me but I am going to re-write my small goals b/c I think I reached a couple of them in the last couple of days. I have been holding on to the fact that she has not lowered the boom on my son yet. Children are very perceptive and know more about what is going than we think. When I told my S9 yesterday that he was going to eat dinner with mom tonight he did not respond very enthusiasticly. I asked if everything was okay and if he wanted to go. My S9 responded, " Dad, I want you and Mom to have dinner together so she can see how you are doing so much better". Maybe I can "switch hit" for him sometime in the future.
I am also going to stop talking about the sitch w/ everyone. It is not healthy and now almost everyone thinks I should just move on, as in give up. I will have to come here from now on to sound off. It is amazing to me that so many people think that you should give up on 16 years of marriage after 7 months of turmoil, I know it has been longer for my W but I hope that one day she will appreciate my dedication.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I am also going to stop talking about the sitch w/ everyone. It is not healthy and now almost everyone thinks I should just move on, as in give up. I will have to come here from now on to sound off. It is amazing to me that so many people think that you should give up on 16 years of marriage after 7 months of turmoil, I know it has been longer for my W but I hope that one day she will appreciate my dedication.
This is identical to my sitch. Everybody is is wanting me to move on and forget about it - it kind of irritates me a LOT. I have only 3.5 years of M behind me.
Michelle does say in DR, and devotes a number of pages to it, about relatives and friends who advise you to give up and D but it's because they are hurting because you are hurting. They want the hurt to stop for you AND them and the best way they can see that happening is for you to D. As you've seen, be wary of relatives and friends with your 'best interests at heart'.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
P17, I don't want everybody to think that I am not being realistic or that I am a doormat, or think less of me for wanted to work on a M with someone that has treated me the way my W has. When they talk to you it makes you feel bad about yourself for what you are doing. It is almost like you have to go black with them, I have found that my sounding boards have slowly started to disappear. I am the only one who can work on this anyhow so it does not matter what they think. On the other hand, if I am really DBing the right way, I should not be talking about the sitch anyhow. I should be talking about all the great things going on in my life other than my M.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I think coming here to sound off is probably best. I would suggest, however, that if you don't want advice (and especially 2x4's) you tell everyone in your post that you are journaling.....and then I won't promise nothing will be said in response.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
