Is this the end of my marriage?

[newmama]

They say this to comfort you, but we all have things about our friends' spouses or partners that we don't like but don't tell them...so don't take what they say as anything significant (IMO).

Good to know she isn't acting happy though!!!!

[P17]

Good to know she isn't acting happy though!!!!

They didn't say that My W would act happy if the 4 riders of the Apocalypse turned up. She is one of those people who always 'acts' happy so you can't actually tell if she is or not. She works in a customer facing role and has to be happy all of the time. This spills into her private life I'm afraid so it is incredibly difficult to tell if she's happy or not from the surface.

The only way you can tell is when she 'acts up' by being bossy, arrogant, defensive, nasty etc. Then you know she is truly not happy underneath. Not surprsingly, this is what she is doing.

[P17]

My mum's funeral is tomorrow afternoon so I'm off down there today with D and D's mum.

Things are going to be tough tomorrow. To be selfish, being down there helped me get W out of my mind so it will allow me to concentrate on my mum. Last time it reinforced the idea that perhaps I should just move away from here and go back there. However that would mean leaving D and only seeing her at weekends. Not a prospect I want.

Had some unusual but somewhat understandable dreams about W. The dreams were all about the M being over but I was okay about it in them. Never had those dreams before.

I have been thinking over the last couple of days and have written a lot about my feelings. Something that has come out is that if W came back to me today and asked to try again I don't know what I would say. However, I do know I would NOT say 'yes'. That for me is quite frightening as I feel maybe I have come down the road and past the 'cant do this anymore' post. I know I mentioned this before and cutter did say that I would go back and forth between those points of wanting her back and not, so I'm going to sit on this for a few days.

The woman my W has become is not in the slightest bit attractive to me and has none of the qualities I look for in a person, let alone a partner. She is a coward, heartless, cold, nasty, selfish, self-obsessed, superficial, a liar and deceitful. I keep telling myself I hate her, but I don't want to hate anybody as that is far too powerful an emotion to carry around as baggage.

IM is back in the picture after her strop. I will still do what I said but take the angle that PDT suggested. Xmas stuff will be returned to her but only the stuff she had since her childhood (stocking and nativity scene). The rest stays here. IM will contact W and say that she has had the stuff for about a fortnight and was waiting on W contacting IM.

Been pretty teary today. Feel as though I have lost an awful lot just now and feel really quite empty inside. I felt quite lonely in my M for quite sometime and I told W about this several times. Feel that way again today. Very lonely. If it wasn't for D then things would be a lot worse.

My mum's funeral is making me quite emotional and I do feel, for the first time, it's starting to very slowly hit me. I will just need to go with the flow there but I really am dreading going through all of this grief, upset, crying, pain and hurt again. I've been through it all not so long ago and I'm not looking forward to going back.

Thanks again for everybody's support.

Onwards and upwards though.

[chatterbug]

My mum's funeral is tomorrow afternoon so I'm off down there today with D and D's mum.

Things are going to be tough tomorrow. To be selfish, being down there helped me get W out of my mind so it will allow me to concentrate on my mum. Last time it reinforced the idea that perhaps I should just move away from here and go back there. However that would mean leaving D and only seeing her at weekends. Not a prospect I want.

Your not being selfish my friend. Not at all. Take your time on making these decisions. Make them next year. Take the rest of this year to heal

Had some unusual but somewhat understandable dreams about W. The dreams were all about the M being over but I was okay about it in them. Never had those dreams before.

Very natural. Some people think that the other person is thinking about you when you dream about them. My luck was she would contact me that day. Your brain is just processing and tucking away. My dreams about my WAS are interesting to say the least. But they are always good dreams.

I have been thinking over the last couple of days and have written a lot about my feelings. Something that has come out is that if W came back to me today and asked to try again I don't know what I would say. However, I do know I would NOT say 'yes'. That for me is quite frightening as I feel maybe I have come down the road and past the 'cant do this anymore' post. I know I mentioned this before and cutter did say that I would go back and forth between those points of wanting her back and not, so I'm going to sit on this for a few days.

We're in the same spot you and I. But have we learned enough over the last few months to be true to ourselves and say 'I would have to think about that' instead of going 'YES'. I think that I am as I have given alot of thought on the issue ( heh validate sentance ) and I do know that I will continue to think on this issue as my feelings evolve.

The woman my W has become is not in the slightest bit attractive to me and has none of the qualities I look for in a person, let alone a partner. She is a coward, heartless, cold, nasty, selfish, self-obsessed, superficial, a liar and deceitful. I keep telling myself I hate her, but I don't want to hate anybody as that is far too powerful an emotion to carry around as baggage.

Again my friend. We have similar thoughts here. The woman I loved was a very strong , independent and very giving. I just heard that here current living arrangements are 4 days with OP and then when his kids come over she has to go live somewhere else. Which has been at parents or friends. When I heard that I did not think OMG or did it hurt me. I just thought. Wow how far she has fallen. That must be a great life. Pity perhaps , no not even pity. I do not know exactly what it was but I just think that is a sad existance.

IM is back in the picture after her strop. I will still do what I said but take the angle that PDT suggested. Xmas stuff will be returned to her but only the stuff she had since her childhood (stocking and nativity scene). The rest stays here. IM will contact W and say that she has had the stuff for about a fortnight and was waiting on W contacting IM.

Good for you. And thank the IM again and leave it at that.

Been pretty teary today. Feel as though I have lost an awful lot just now and feel really quite empty inside. I felt quite lonely in my M for quite sometime and I told W about this several times. Feel that way again today. Very lonely. If it wasn't for D then things would be a lot worse.

My mum's funeral is making me quite emotional and I do feel, for the first time, it's starting to very slowly hit me. I will just need to go with the flow there but I really am dreading going through all of this grief, upset, crying, pain and hurt again. I've been through it all not so long ago and I'm not looking forward to going back.

Thanks again for everybody's support.

Onwards and upwards though.

Thank you for freely sharing your thoughts in your time of need.

[Day by Day]

((P17)) I'll be praying for you for strength.

[newmama]

P17, take care of yourself. (((P17))) Again I am sorry for your loss.

[P17]

I'm reluctant to post on here tonight because I've been through a lot emotionally in the last couple of days. But it's a safe release for me so I thought I would have a go. Apologies for the length I predict this will be!

My mum's funeral on Monday was pretty emotional. Just felt numb through most of it thought. It's a relief for me that she is gone. It feels selfish to say that but my mum was a very strong and opinionated woman who really deterioated to somebody I didn't recognise and I don't think she liked that. We always had great talks to set the world to rights - she hated injustice in the world and that's where I get it from. I will miss our talks but I know she is in a better place for herself now. I know she wants us all to get on with our lives and be who we want to be be, but most of all for us to be happy. She is at peace now.

It was a humanist ceremony (non-religious). The speaker read out a poem which I've just Googled and found somebody has animated on You Tube. Here is it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYtfkSx6Ouk - the poem is the what the girl reads. Here are the words - http://www.great-inspirational-quotes.com/slow-dance.html - it touched me not only about life but about my current sitch with W. Maybe it's just me, but grab a tissue before you watch it, I am still bubbling.

Nothing from W while I have been away. She is in panto tonight.

I don't want to say much about W just now. I am beginning to think my hope for a reconciliation is misguided. I have been reflecting on the contact and the little things that I believe I am reading too much into. The latest one is my name (or her married name) and why she hasn't changed it. Spoke to D's mum and she says that when she separated it was the first thing she changed - over here in Scotland you can change any non-governmental 'things' (for want of a better word) to any name you like just by writing to them and telling them. Setting up her internet account in her full married name irritated me. Maybe she just can't be bothered changing it rather than her still clinging on or maybe it's as some other said and it's her way of normalising things or keeping her image - however from what I know everybody at works knows anyway so who is she hiding it from? Anyway, she still has D's car seat that I mentioned before, in her car. She hasn't tried to return it. She still has other things here that she hasn't asked for (3 months after leaving).

I still don't believe she has moved on completely. But I think she has moved on enough.

From reflecting on W's personality, I believe the R with OM will last. Not for good, but for a long time. W has learned nothing from this split but she is so desperately insecure (we often laid in bed at night with me holding her and her asking me to tell her that I would never leave her - that should have started alarm bells ringing, but anyway, hindsight is a wonderful thing) and so desperately in need of love that she would take any suitable man on. She couldn't bear the loneliness for even a month when she moved into her own house which is why OM moved in so quickly. I know that feeling but I also recognise that to be a safe, secure and healthy adult you need to feel okay being alone and while I'm not fully there yet, I know I will get there and I am working through the pain.

This is one of the reasons I felt so lonely in the M - I didn't feel she wanted ME, just SOMEBODY who would love her. As soon as I withdrew because of our problems, I believe she took that as rejection and immediately moved on. She did nothing to save the M at all. She threw the towel in, found somebody else and moved on.

Anyway, I don't know how many people got their WAS back after NC. I know it's not for them, it's for us, but ultimately we want them back or we wouldn't even be here asking about NC. It's also only been 3 weeks for me and I do feel better than I did at the start. I know some people (cutter?) have been NC for 6 months+. Her staying a stones throw from me unfortunately makes it worse.

I've rambled enough. I need to go to bed. Another emotionally heavy day. I know it will end sometime, but it is a task and half to get there.

Before I go I want to say that I sat and watched A Christmas Carol in 3D with D and D's mum yesterday (the new one with Jim Carrey). For those of you who haven't seen, get there soon. It's a fantastic film. Brought more tears to P's eyes (a big brave macho bloke here is doing nothing but crying lately . My point in telling you this is I have one big intention this Xmas. Make it a GREAT Xmas for me and D. I always disliked Xmas (particularly the commercialisation of it) and my W always liked it. This year, if she happens to drive, walk or turn up here she will see that P has again changed - Xmas will be good this year I promise. For me, D and to stick it up the nose of W. She will wake up on Xmas day and have only OM there to give a present to - no wonder and surprise when my 8 year old D wakes up and wonders what Santa has for her. I even have a REAL tree this year (none of this fibre optic rubbish my W always liked - apologise to anybody who likes fibre-optic trees :))

Finally, finally. My D wrote me a letter on Sunday morning saying how much she loved me and she knew that Xmas wouldn't be the same this year without W but we will make the bets of it. More tears from P.

Thanks again for everybody's support.

[newmama]

P17,

DECK THOSE HALLS! Bake the cookies! Put up the lights! Play the music! Start a new tradition with your D this year...for example do they make gingerbread houses over there? Kids loooove to decorate them! I can't wait for my S to be old enough to do that and the advent calendar with him.

only 17 more days ...

[chatterbug]

Hi P17 give your daughter a hug for us. Stay strong.

P.S.

I have been in no contact since Sept 17th.

6 months ago EA started, 5 Months PA. Plan A was from August 17th to Sept 15th. Sept 15th I blew up and Sept 17th Plan B went into affect. 4 months to go... Then its Plan D

[P17]

P17,

DECK THOSE HALLS! Bake the cookies! Put up the lights! Play the music! Start a new tradition with your D this year...for example do they make gingerbread houses over there? Kids loooove to decorate them! I can't wait for my S to be old enough to do that and the advent calendar with him.

only 17 more days ...

Thanks newmama.

No gingerbread houses over here. Although we do make gingerbread men (no women :)). She also has a make your own advent calendar so she has been decorating that (I know it's the 9th!).

@cutterbug,

I haven't put a date on anything at the moment. Not strong enough to do that. I did say that I would wait the two years until we can divorce but I don't know if I can do that either now. However unless something changes in my personal sitch, she can do the legwork on the D.

As I keep saying, for a girl who wanted a 'D as quickly as possible' (which she could actually have had by now, on the grounds of adultery, had she did what I asked, as only I can file - as OM needs to be filed with papers too maybe he has got cold feet at that (as he has done with so much else) - it's one thing to be 'living la vida loca' with a married woman, it's quite another to have her D her H / step-D for you - that's quite a committment - anyway, that's more mind reading) she is dragging her heals on step 1 - the separation agreement. However that could be for financial reasons. These are the things I keep reading too much into and shouldn't.

The only plan I have at the moment is that the house goes on the market on 1 February if I don't get the separation agreement that I need / want.

I'm sure you said in a previous thread, however how much contact have you had with W since Sept 15th? I think it's been a phone call and a couple of texts all for 'business' though is it not?