Treese, You are not the problem. His parents were! Their expectations for their sons was pitting them against one another. Your brother was put up on a very high pedestal and he couldn't or wasn't allowed to experience life as a teenager.
As for your mil, her statements were very uncalled for and insensitive.
The comments that your h has made to you are actually comments that he would dearly love to tell his own mother. He's lashing out at you because you were the safe target. Right now, you are an authority figure to him. The one thing that I strongly urge you not to do is to continue pointing out the things he's not doing. I'm sure he heard enough of that when he was living w/his parents. Instead of pointing the finger at him, learn, if you can to start pointing out the good things that he may do. I know it's very difficult not to point the finger, but this guy has a lot of "mother/authority" issues w/his childhood. If you can do this, I believe he may start coming around a bit and want to spend more time w/your son and family. He knows very well he's hurt everyone, but to continue to beat a dead horse to death will not accomplish anything. Take a giant leap of faith and it is the season for faith, and do something different.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
