Plan ahead for the Christmas holidays with your C and girls.
Don't let it sneak up on you and find yourself unable to see C. Ask the C about a little security blanket visit just before and just after. Just saying give yourself that gift.
I missed a "before" appointment once upon a time with a C that didn't even call to ask why or check on me at such an emotional time of year. A college degree and billing system doesn't make someone a good C. It didn't seem professional or caring and I spent too much time on the floor, unable to make myself tell anyone or ask for help. Don't become That Guy. I saved money by not visiting the C again, but that probably slowed my progress in the long run and made things pretty rough.
Make sure you have some plans with the kids and be around people as much as you can. Do things with them going into and out of the holidays that don't mirror what you would have been doing with X. Do something different just to be with the girls even if it isn't totally holiday related - just talking family love here.
So, XW and OM are coming over this morning to get the furniture she wanted. I'm putting them outside and leaving the house so she doesn't have to come in.
Bank called me a couple days ago to tell me the house will be foreclosed in the next 1-2 months. XW was "So sad you couldn't keep the house". Yeah, right.
Well they came and picked up the furniture and one of the Kayaks. I was gone but D18 was home. I noticed that D14's bedroom door was open. Her bedroom (when she visits) is upstairs, so I asked D18 if D14 came with them.
She said no, why, then said "Oh, I left the door to her room open". She then went on to explain that her mom called her on her cell and wanted her to come outside to talk while she was here. D18 said she didn't want to (because OM was here) and so she decided that her room (which is downstairs and has windows that face the front yard) was too exposed and she didn't want her mom to see her and maybe knock on the window.
So she went to D14's room and read her book until they left.
She's really having a hard time this holiday season. Last year was pretty bad, but at least then OM wasn't thrust in her face as much.
Frank, I am not trying to be a dick here or anything, but this:
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She shared with me that when she went to her grandmothers on Friday for thanksgiving dinner, when she walked in the house and saw OM there, she had a breakdown.
She said she was used to seeing him at her moms condo, but being at a 'family' event seemed so wrong to her, that he shouldn't be there.
She said she just lost it and cried and ended up going into the bedroom with her boyfriend and sobbing.
She said her mom came in to talk to her, telling D18 that she is an adult and needed to act like one. D18 said 'mom was really angry at me'. D18 said she told her mom "I may be an adult, but I'm also your DAUGHTER". D18 said that after this, XW was visibly shaken.
Anyway, D18 said dinner went well and there were no more incidents. She also said that since they've been back, her relationship with her mom is different. Her mom seems to be affected by what happened.
I think this is the first time XW has actually seen the pain she has caused. Up till now she has seen anger.
D18 and I are getting closer. She told me that she likes living with me because I'm a parent, and I act like one.
Somehow I'm going to make my life work, and my daughters lives also. I'm getting over everything and not feeling sorry for myself any more.
Happens way to often in your world. These conversations need to stop and you need to teach your kids to deal with their mom and that relationship that they have with her. You seem to care way to much about what is going on in her world and allow the kids relationship with their mom to become a substitute for your own relationship with her.
It is becoming a rare occasion to have a post from Frank that is about Frank and not about his kids and their mom, or Frank and their mom, or their mom and her family, or their mom and her boyfriend. Don't you want to quit caring about all that nonsense at this point?
I totally agree with Ian. The more you can remove yourself from the small drama's of others the better. You have enough on your plate with the foreclosure of your home pending, focusing on work, and having fun with your daughters when they are with you.
I am very sorry to hear about your financial troubles, but keep in mind that right now you are not alone in this. Tough times dont last - tough people do.
Happens way to often in your world. These conversations need to stop and you need to teach your kids to deal with their mom and that relationship that they have with her. You seem to care way to much about what is going on in her world and allow the kids relationship with their mom to become a substitute for your own relationship with her.
I hadn't really thought of it that way but I can see how it's a 'relationship by proxy'. Still too codependent and I need to ACCEPT that this is over.
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Don't you want to quit caring about all that nonsense at this point?
Sometimes I wonder who I am, who I've become. I've stayed stuck for the past 2 years. I know it's my own fault for staying stuck, I should have taken better control of my life.
Life does get better, right? Sometimes I just feel pain all day and I just want to die. I'm hurt, scared, lonely. Not much of a man right now.
Once upon a time I was at the top of my game. Now I'm at the bottom and things keep getting worse. I know I can change this, I just don't have the energy and I feel so alone.
Frank, it is certainly ok for you to have your "down" times (we all do, for whatever reason). But, the key is NOT to get STUCK there. We can all look back and see things in our lives that we should or could have done differently. We need to learn from those things and move forward.
Frank, you are becoming a father that your daughters can depend on...someone that they can respect and look up to. Continue on that path...continue forward.
YES, life DOES get better!! I have been where you are and felt the way you are feeling. It was only by the grace of God and the love of my family and friends that I was able to pick myself up and move forward. And, I thank God that I did!! You have a chance at a new start, Frank! Instead of focusing on the things you SHOULD have done, focus on the things that you CAN do now!! Find that inner strength, Frank, and use it!
You are NOT alone, Frank! You have two daughters who love you very much and who are counting on you to provide stability in their lives. You have friends here that care about you and want to see you be the man that we know you really are. Take time to set goals for yourself. Write them down and place them where you can see them. Then, start working on them...a little at a time, if you have to. Take a mental day every once in a while to rest and regroup and then start back again the next day. You don't have to accomplish everything at once. Just do what you can, when you can, and keep moving forward.
