Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

You may call me Captain, if you wish.

My wife said "You did a wonderful job." I reported what some others said. For them, I simply exceeded expectations (compared to other informational seminars that they hold on various policy issues).

For myself, I simply did what I always expect of myself when I making a presentation like this before a group whether it's to inform in a short seminar (as this was), to argue for a policy or position, or in one of my multi-day classes that I'm teaching.

As for not embarassing my wife...I simply did not veer off topic and take this opportunity to make it "personal" since her involvement in this group is one of the things that came up in the aforementioned argument.

Besides, I know what effect I have on people when I tell them how good I am at something. I know it when I'm there in person, I know it looking at some of the replies I've gotten to this thread. Just look at your own reply and it's right there (even though you may be unaware of it). Just look at the next to last paragraph:

Bottom line: if you were as confident and as happy with yourself as you make out, you'd think you were worth fighting for. Your actions show that you don't think you're worth fighting for.

So, I tell you how I am about my life and you don't believe it (so why should you believe that I "did a great job" or that I'm good at what I do? Why not believe that I am actually an embarrassment to my wife and am a functional incompetent?) More importantly, if you were in my place you would adopt the illusion that you would be worth fighting for and are telling me that I should adopt that as well.

I think I've been very, very blunt on this point.

I am not worth fighting for.

That is functionally independent of my overall confidence. Clearly, I am not happy about the way this portion of my life has turned out. I had a different idea about that. The reality of an initmate, shared life is quite different and once I gave up that expectation, it simply is what is so. Some could argue that I ended up with the wrong people and that had circumstances been different....

There was a time, when I was in my teens ans early 20's, when I allowed myself to think that I have something to offer and that something was desirable (worth fighting for). Some of that thinking, though, was four decades ago and I am no longer a teenager and I have much more life experience under my belt.

That idea of being "worth fighting for" and having something to offer was badly shaken by my first wife, her affair with a college student and her departure. Someone else (anyone else) was worth fighting for other than me. My intuition after that was that the illusion of being worth fighting for was all wrong. However, after a period of reflection and introspection to allow myself "to heal" and to discover and learn from my mistakes, I once again allowed myself to think I had something to offer and something "worth fighting for." Two decades later the evidence tells me that my insight after my first wife left was correct, not the illusion of being worth fighting for.

Beyond my name on a government recognized document that provides "legitimacy" for any offspring and being a sperm donor, there is nothing I have to offer or that certainly isn't worth fighting for because any male of legal age could provide the both of those (as my ex-wife so easily demonstrated).

The fact that I made a personal commitment to "be a father" and that turned out well (though there was no way to know how that might turn out) made no difference to me ex-wife and makes no difference in creating or sustaining an intimate relationship with my current wife. If anything, that commitment is best admired from afar.

My son (and my step-daughter) recognize and appreciate the efforts and have made that clear to me, so I have satisfaction that I did that "right."

Giving up the expectation (and the hope) that there is anything about me that is "worth fighting for" from the standpoint of an intimate relationship is an honest assessment of the evidence. That may not fit in with your self-image of yourself AND it fits the evidence and explanation of my life experience.