Turning Arrows Into Flowers

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda, Dr. L., Jak, Aud, and DB Friends,
I had bought tickets to go to the semi-formal ballroom ball a few weeks ago. My W was considering going, but was ambivalent, and noncommittal. We were out dancing the night before. She and I attended a class together, and then went to a latin venue afterwards. The problem is, that there were competing venues, and the venue she wanted to go to, I had not been to in almost a year. This is where she and her dance friend were regulars together for this year. In past years, I've been intimidated by this place, for various reasons.

As it came closer to the time to go to the ballroom event, my W decided to not go, but instead go to her latin venue. She was under the impression, that I would meet her there afterward. I thought that we would go our separate ways that evening. I stayed to make sure she was awake to go to her venue, but found myself losing interest in going to my event. It was cold out, and I was tired from a late night the night before.

My W became quite emotional. I was puzzled as to what the problem was. She again brought up concerns about me pooping out on her on our upcoming vacation. She also said that, even though her dance friend had anger problems, he at least was a companion to her. She was upset that we haven't been able to form a stronger dance partnership. She understood that I had committed to go with her to her venue tonight.

I tried to understand what she was talking about, but had a hard time conducting constructive communication. I now had a dilemma--go with her to her venue and risk not getting along, versus stay at home and connect again at a later point. I decided to go with her, even though we were running almost two hours late, as her impression was that I made a commitment to go with her. Not going would have caused harm to relationship building efforts.

We ended-up having a nice evening. I asked an instructor that I know to dance. My W was impressed. Afterwards, when she went to bed, she woke me up to ask me to sleep with her and keep her warm. I said yes.

Her friend was there and wanted to dance with her like nothing happened last weekend. He had a public display of anger calling her profanities in public, because he thought she was dancing too close to someone. My W turned him down.

My W took a private lesson at the studio we've begun attending. I recorded the session for her. Afterwards, she offered to loan me the money for a similar package of private lessons, costing about $750. I accepted the offer, as I felt that I was ready, given my record of effort and attendance in the past year.

Later in the evening she rescinded her offer, citing a host of reasons. The main reason seems to be mistrust about my commitment. I told her that perhaps it was better for me to find a way to pay for private lessons myself. I think I will start with monthly private lessons, using gift money from the holidays and an upcoming birthday.

My plan is to continue to be aware of opportunities for dance and other connection with my W, while continuing to put effort into improving my own dance skill.

CL