Well, yesterday, I was depressed all day long. I didn't pester him, just did my own thing. That's another thing I'm trying to see if it helps - I'm backing off from him. For awhile there, I was hugging, kissing, etc. (w/ sexual overtones), saying "I love you" and similar things, etc.

A few days ago, when I decided to try letting go, I stopped all that. If he initiates, then I hug/kiss/say "I love you" back - but he has to start it. If having me pestering him with affection is so terrible, then I won't make him put up with it any more. If he wants it, he can come and get it.

Maybe it's just another reminder of some things I thought I had learned years ago:

1) Women don't get to pick the men they like; men get to do the choosing. We just have to hope the ones who choose us, are attractive to us too.

2) Any forward progress in a relationship has to be the man's idea, or it won't work.

Horrible? Yes. Sexist? Outrageously so. Do I hate it? With all my heart. But it seems to be the ugly truth about male-female relationships. Every time I've been the pursuer, I've gotten hurt.

In this relationship, *he* was the first one to suggest we stop dating others. *He* was the one to suggest moving in together. He was the first one to suggest things, and it was working beautifully, until we started having this sex problem about 2 years ago. Then when it seemed I wanted sex more than he did, I guess I forgot that, and began pursuing him more. Maybe that was a mistake.

So, anyway, back to yesterday. I didn't pester him, but he could tell I was depressed. At first, he thought it was because I wanted to see the movie "The Road" and he didn't. We talked about that, and I told him that's not why I'm so depressed. FFS! I've missed movies before and it was NOT the end of the world. It would take a lot more than that to put me in a really bad blue mood.

But, I didn't tell him yet again what I AM depressed about. If he doesn't know by now, he hasn't listened when I've tried to tell him for the past 2 years. I'm depressed bcs we haven't had sex since Oct. 29, and I'm mourning the end of my sex life.

I think he *does* love me, in that way that LD people can somehow love their mate w/o wanting sex. I hear what you're saying about that, Silly. It makes me feel like an alien from another planet, but I believe you when you say there are people like that. And I'm beginning to believe DH might be one of them.

However, I'm not. Never getting to have sex again (or getting it very rarely) is a major loss for me. And I'm going to mourn that loss and grieve it. If it means I act depressed sometimes, so be it.

But yesterday, when I was depressed and not hiding it, DH was very loving and sweet with me. Hugs and kisses and kind words, loving glances, etc. And when he gives me that, I respond in kind. I've just stopped initiating for now.

I did get The Book (SSM), and am trying the bit about being good to myself. I'm sticking w/ my weight loss program, but the fact that I'm doing it for me (health reasons) as well as for attractiveness reasons, helps me stay motivated to keep losing the weight. Actually, I'm close to my goal weight now. Only 15 pounds left to go! I'm going to yoga class, and reconnecting with old friends via Facebook. Soaking in the tub, reading a good book, cuddling with our cats, all those things are ways I can take care of myself.

Last week, I was home from work on time for 3 days out of 5. So I'm doing better about that. If I can keep that up, we'll see if DH notices (and ever wants to do anything other than sit in front of the TV every evening.)