Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

My mum's funeral is tomorrow afternoon so I'm off down there today with D and D's mum.

Things are going to be tough tomorrow. To be selfish, being down there helped me get W out of my mind so it will allow me to concentrate on my mum. Last time it reinforced the idea that perhaps I should just move away from here and go back there. However that would mean leaving D and only seeing her at weekends. Not a prospect I want.

Had some unusual but somewhat understandable dreams about W. The dreams were all about the M being over but I was okay about it in them. Never had those dreams before.

I have been thinking over the last couple of days and have written a lot about my feelings. Something that has come out is that if W came back to me today and asked to try again I don't know what I would say. However, I do know I would NOT say 'yes'. That for me is quite frightening as I feel maybe I have come down the road and past the 'cant do this anymore' post. I know I mentioned this before and cutter did say that I would go back and forth between those points of wanting her back and not, so I'm going to sit on this for a few days.

The woman my W has become is not in the slightest bit attractive to me and has none of the qualities I look for in a person, let alone a partner. She is a coward, heartless, cold, nasty, selfish, self-obsessed, superficial, a liar and deceitful. I keep telling myself I hate her, but I don't want to hate anybody as that is far too powerful an emotion to carry around as baggage.

IM is back in the picture after her strop. I will still do what I said but take the angle that PDT suggested. Xmas stuff will be returned to her but only the stuff she had since her childhood (stocking and nativity scene). The rest stays here. IM will contact W and say that she has had the stuff for about a fortnight and was waiting on W contacting IM.

Been pretty teary today. Feel as though I have lost an awful lot just now and feel really quite empty inside. I felt quite lonely in my M for quite sometime and I told W about this several times. Feel that way again today. Very lonely. If it wasn't for D then things would be a lot worse.

My mum's funeral is making me quite emotional and I do feel, for the first time, it's starting to very slowly hit me. I will just need to go with the flow there but I really am dreading going through all of this grief, upset, crying, pain and hurt again. I've been through it all not so long ago and I'm not looking forward to going back.

Thanks again for everybody's support.

Onwards and upwards though.