Hi Lodo, No need to apologize. I don't mean to complain and whine, it's just that right now I am not happy with the situation. I love my ex a lot and I want nothing more than to have it work out between us. Right now it seems like it is one sided and no matter what I do, she seems to find fault and bring in my past. What's worse, is that she is beginning to say put downs that really hurt.
Here are some examples. Last Sunday we were driving to the grocery store when she told me to turn left but I didn't quite hear her so I went straight. She got extremely upset and told me that I don't listen, that I frustrate the heck out of her, that I must be stupid, etc. I told her I that I was sorry and didn't mean anything of it. Needless to say, we didn't go to the grocery store that day because she told me that want to put up with someone who doesn't know what they are doing. Unfortunately, that lead to a huge argument. I told her that I didn't appreciate her putting me down like that and that we need to show each other respect and value our feelings. That lead to her telling me that I don't care about her feelings, etc. From there, it just got ugly, with her telling me that I was the one who screwed up and that I am the problem in the relationship, etc.
The other day we sat down to discuss the finances of the wedding and I told her that I couldn't afford to pay for 90% of the wedding and that if she could help contribute more. That lead to a fight about finances. Although I do make about 2 times as much as she does, I am currently paying all the bills and getting little to no help from her at all. I even help pay some of her bills. I told her that I was trying to be fair and honest, but she took it as if I didn't care about having a wedding. I am always soft spoken whenever we are disagreeing, but she gets upset real easily and starts shouting and yelling. Well, at the end of the conversation she told me that she is never going to help me financially and that all her money was going to go to her. I replied in returned that she just wanted a "free ride."
She was really hurt by that statement and slapped twice in the face as she starting crying. She told me that she had to put up with a lot of crap when we first got married and that I had no right to tell her that she is getting a free ride. I can truly understand why she was hurt and why she slapped me. But what about the things she said? Am I simply to take it because of what I did in the past or do I have the right to say, "hey, yes I did screw up in the past but that is the past and that gives you no right to treat me like that, etc."
We had several similar arguments and no matter how much I try to be rationale and calm, she always throws it in my face that I was the one who messed up the marriage. I try to tell her that this is a team effort and that we both need to learn to communicate and work things out as a team. Her reply is that she is not the problem and that I am the one who needs to change.
What hurts is that this week and has been using our daughter as a weapon against me. Several times this week I was spending time with our daughter when she came into the room and grabbed our daughter away from me. She told our daughter that daddy doesn't love her and for her not to spend time with me until I change. She then started to tell me that I was bi-polar and that she will not marry me until I get a complete psychological exam. She has said/done similar things several times this week. I can understand being mad at me, but she didn't have to tell me daughter that I didn't love her. Several times when we were arguing she told me that if it didn't work out between us, that she was going to make sure that I didn't she our daughter again.
Can you see now why I am whining and complaining? I know she is still hurting from the past, but does that give her the right to treat me like crap? I am honestly trying to make it work out between us and I am trying to compromise. But is peace at all cost really peace at all? If I can't have an opinion, a suggestion or simply a conversation about what is on my mind without her getting upset, then at what point do I say enough is enough.
I know I am far from perfect. You asked me what it was that I want. The simply answer is to love and be loved. I am trying to love her, to please her, to make her happy. But I also expect the same from her. She does make an effort at times, but most of the time it is on her schedule, based on what she wants/feels at the time. She makes every excuse why she isn't affection and is the first female I know that doesn't like to make conversation about what happened to each of our days.
These last two days have been rough and I have been doing a lot of crying. It is obvious to her that I am depress and she tells me she doesn't understand why I am down when I caused all the pain. Right now she is not even talking to me. I have been sleeping on my daughter's bed at night for the last week. Last Saturday I wanted to do something special for her, so I got her a bunch of red balloons and arranged them nicely all over the house. I had the lights dim and candles on. I wrote her a love letter and placed it somewhere where she could see it. She came him and that first thing that comes out of her mouth was, "oh, you didn't buy me a gift." I didn't say anything, but really hurts.
So this leads me to what I should do. She has agreed to go to marriage counseling. I wanted to use our of the DB coaches, but she refuses to use someone over the telephone. At this point, I am willing to go to Colorado and pay whatever fees I have to do have us do a one on one session with Michelle Weiner-Davis. I am not ready to give up. I want to make sure that I can say that I did everything I can to make it work.
I am so tempted to call off the wedding until we get our issues worked out, but I already know that nothing good would come out of that.
I think at this point I need to focus on those things I was doing that got her to fall in love with me again. FaithfulH once told me that the time to focus on my needs wasn't now. That I had to be patient and continue to focus on making her happy regardless of if she returns the love to me. In short, I have to prove to her that I love her unconditionally without getting so needy. Actions, not words. That is perhaps my only real hope of saving our marriage and hoping that she realizes that I really love her. Only then perhaps will she start to express her love towards me rather than hide it behind a wall out of fear or the need to protect herself. I had hope that she would begin to trust me again and right now I feel like all my past efforts are for nought. That I someone have to start all over with this DBing. Well, I will right more.
Lodo, thanks again for the advice. Take care. I can really use some good guidance here.
