Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

Mamabear.

Indeed. It's one thing to let your H disrespect you, because you're an adult and it's your choice to let it continue.

But your kids don't deserve that.

Now would be an excellent time for a 180 -- not only should he not act that way towards them, but you won't stand for it any more either.

You can do it. He may move out again, to test you or to "punish" you, but I think he'll come around.

[Lll54]

So, thanks again everybody. However I kind of disagree. Don't get mad! I just feel had I been there then yes I should have said something, but I was not present. I have not been present when he has been parenting for the past two months, why now should I be butting in to his parenting. Had I been there it would have been a different story. This has been hard enough on my sister I want to respect her wishes as she wants to keep a clean relationship with H. H is learning on his own how much this damaged S3 as S lets him know almost every time he sees him. Drilling him on his intentions. I think I will leave it until I am present.

Went out for the day and when I got home H wasn't here. He called two hours later asking if the boys and I wanted to grab something to eat for dinner. I had some company at the time so declined. It just bothers me that now that he has no plans, we're good enough to hang out with. But the last two nights he's had hockey and didn't have time for the kids or I. Nice.

So talked to H's sister for the first time today since he moved home. I asked her if he what he said when he left. And she said not much just that he was moving home again. She feels he wants to work on things. She doesn't think he would move here just for convenience. She doesn't think he wants to be roomates till we figure it out. He mentioned the other day to her that the changes that needed to be made are changing ( referring to me) and he understands they can't be made over night so he's willing to give me time. Its time to talk to me about it.

Thanks again everybody for your help. Gonna get by the next 3 days, till H is on days off for 5 days, and find some good quality time to talk to him about this.

[TrentC]

So, thanks again everybody. However I kind of disagree. Don't get mad! I just feel had I been there then yes I should have said something, but I was not present. I have not been present when he has been parenting for the past two months, why now should I be butting in to his parenting.

Because it's been made clear that he is upsetting your son and shirking his responsibilities as a dad. Do you not want to catch someone who robs your house because you weren't there to see the stuff get stolen?

Anyway, it's up to you.

[Lll54]

Point taken. Thanks Trent.

[Lll54]

Okay, so H is upstairs having lunch. He woke up early and doesn't leave for work till 6. We have three hours together.

I need to talk about this situation, I'm scared to death? How do I bring up why he moved back in? Without pursuing or pressuring him?

I need help so bad right now. Thanks in advance.

[GoBison]

Stay calm, don't get upset and just do it. You will be fine and feel a lot better when it is over and aren't running things through your head. Good luck.

[gucci loafer]

You have a couple of options..

Now that he is back you may want to try another tactic if you don't want to directly confront....

Goes like this...

From this point on start acting distant. In your own little world. Don't seek him out for anything. Just go quiet on him.
This may take a week or two, but it sets up your talk to him..
Start doing other things apart from him. If you pass him in the house just keep on walking in your own little world. You don't act mean or mad. It is just a quiet distance.


You are WAITING for HIM to wonder what is going on in YOUR mind. You need for him to ask you something like.."what it up with you"... your answer is.."oh nothing, just doing some thinking, I have a lot on my mind"......


You wait this out until he asks you again what is up.


You THEN give him this type of prepared speech...


"Well, I have been doing some thinking. Here is what I have decided. I have seen you move out and then move back in. Not a word from you about what is going on with us and your certainly don't make much of an effort to make this marriage better. Your kids are scared you are going to leave again, you don't tell them when you are going or when you will be home and you don't give me the sense that you really want to be here with me."


(NOW for the important part of the speech)....."I have decided (and say it exactly with those words of "I HAVE DECIDED) that isn't what I WANT. I don't want a man that can't or won't be a partner and I most certainly don't want a man that just up and leaves and comes and goes as he pleases. So, I have decided that I think it would be best if you found another place. The sooner the better. I won't live like this anymore.
Maybe go back to your sisters or whatever. I would like you to be out within two weeks."


And then tell him that is all you have to say and walk away. Thre is nothing more to talk about. He may call you and think you are bluffing. It is my firm belief that you MUST follow through on what you told him. You need to put him through a crisis of major proportions. He either steps up to the plate or you are moving on down the road....


Remember, I told you that your fear could paralyze you. You can not let this man keep intimidating you. You have to take charge and be strong. The whold relationship can be turned around with a tough stance here. Being a weak doormat isn't working. He will just keep coming and going as he pleases UNTIL YOU make a stand. You can't force him to be what you want him to be. However by letting him believe you are letting him go and maybe even wanting him to ge, you will have a chance to put him through his much needed crisis about what is really important to him.

Be strong. If he says he will leave after your speech, then LET HIM. Call his bluff. Do not live this way. Better to know now.

[TrentC]

I think gucci has the right idea.

Look at it this way: you can tiptoe around, jump at shadows, and spend your days and nights worrying about what he's going to do...

...or you can tell him what you are going to do, and let him react for a change.

[Lll54]

Gucci, Love it. In a way you almost geared that directly to "me". I am not a confrontational person, and i feel so much comfortable going about it this way. I think it will be so good for me. I am going to take your advice for sure. I not only feel good about it, but I feel comfortable about it. Even the wording example is exactly how I would say it. Not harsh or abrubt or blunt, but soft and to the point. I thank you so much as this is my plan. I'm not sure how long it will take for him to notice something is up, but if I do a good job, hopefully sooner than later.

Trent,

...or you can tell him what you are going to do, and let him react for a change.

This is an awesome point. I think when I've showed that in the past it is what got my H thinking. Hopefully Gucci's idea works. I feel like the approach is "me".

I was in our family email today and we got an email inviting the family to the "Police Family Christmas Party". I clicked on the "sent" messages folder and sure enough he rsvp'd for the two boys and himself. Not me....hmmm. Now I'm really wondering why he is here. If he was here to get this family back together, would he not want me to be there? I mean the guy moved back home, woke up early today on work day number 3 and hung out with us as a family, asked us to go for supper together as a family, told S3 he lives here now and stays here every single night, but doesn't include me in the FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY? I don't get it.

Anyway, I am hitting the town up tonight. He is working, so hopefully he does a bar walk through and I run into him cause he has no idea I'm going out tonight. I need to get out and get this off my mind. Hope everybody is having a great night.

[TrentC]

I was in our family email today and we got an email inviting the family to the "Police Family Christmas Party". I clicked on the "sent" messages folder and sure enough he rsvp'd for the two boys and himself. Not me....hmmm. Now I'm really wondering why he is here. If he was here to get this family back together, would he not want me to be there?

Let me know how that mind-reading works out for you.

You can't interpret his actions through your idea of what should be normal, or expected, right now. Maybe he just wasn't thinking. Maybe he doesn't want you to go so as to avoid uncomfortable questions about the two of you. Maybe he's going to hook up with someone else, either at the party or afterwards.

I mean the guy moved back home, woke up early today on work day number 3 and hung out with us as a family, asked us to go for supper together as a family, told S3 he lives here now and stays here every single night, but doesn't include me in the FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY? I don't get it.

Here's a crazy thought: ASK HIM.

Is the original email still in the public inbox? If so, just ask him about the party and say that you were going to RSVP but that you saw he responded, but just for him and the kids. Was it an oversight, or did he mean for you not to go?

Anyway, I am hitting the town up tonight. He is working, so hopefully he does a bar walk through and I run into him cause he has no idea I'm going out tonight. I need to get out and get this off my mind.

If you want to get this off of your mind, why do you hope he runs into you?

I think you're starting to backslide. You've got him home, and want to push through to the happy ending; but he won't do this on your timetable.

Besides, you have bigger fish to fry. Once you have the Mama Bear talk, you may not want to be there with him.