Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CC,

It's OK. While "no R talks" is the general rule, it's not realistic to never get into them. I had three or four of these in my 3-month ordeal, and at least your statements were pretty good "truth darts," and they certainly were genuine.

Re-group, and get your game face back on before she comes over.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

This hurts SO BAD!!! I held it together for the 1 1/2 hours that W spent packing up more of her things and loading them up to take to her apartment. But now, I'm a complete wreck! I miss her so much, it's ripping me apart. I can try to act like it doesn't bother me all I want, but I just want her come back and honestly give us a chance!!

Every time I see her, it just make it harder to detach from her. She looks so good, and was so friendly...and I still love her like no woman in this world.

[CountingCrows]

O.K. Got myself pulled back together. What a blubbering mess I was. Sorry bout that. Getting ready to go out and watch a friend in a band play. Hopefully will distract me.

[Awoken]

But now, I'm a complete wreck! I miss her so much, it's ripping me apart. I can try to act like it doesn't bother me all I want, but I just want her come back and honestly give us a chance!!

This sounded like words out of my own mouth, and me and W still live in the same house.

Hang in there CC! Yours is the first thread I look for to catch up on (my W is bipolar too). I never know what to say so I haven't commented before, but I just wanted to let you know I'm out here reading and thinking about you.

[CountingCrows]

Thanks Awoken. I've been following your thread closely as well, but just like you haven't commented before. My wife hasn't thrown out the D word since the day she left, but also shows no indication that she's changing her mind.

I certainly feel for you in your sitch. I really don't think I could do this in-house like you are. Just seeing W each school day for 10-15 minutes is nearly too much for me.

Tonight I went out with a friend to watch another friend's band play. I was still pretty messed up from W's visit earlier, but was glad to not be sitting around the house all night.

My W and I bonded early on via music. In fact, one of the first "dates" we had was when Led Zeppelin re-united for the UnLedded concert and she asked if she could come over and watch it with me. Music...bands and songs have threaded our entire relationship together. Tonight, certain songs were just downright painful to hear, flashing me back to much happier times. One of the most upbeat songs, Crazy B1tch, nearly had me in tears, since it was one of the last concerts that we went to together, and we ALWAYS danced to it when we were at clubs (and I don't usually dance). I can't listen to the radio right now. I have to listen to CDs of my "weird music" (Porcupine Tree, Opeth) instead to keep from thinking of her.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'll face it head on like the rest...but I have to say that I'm glad today is over.

[Awoken]

I just assumed I would be a stranger sticking my head in your thread; it was good to hear that you've been following me too.
So many of these little things really seem to help.

I really don't think I could do this in-house like you are. Just seeing W each school day for 10-15 minutes is nearly too much for me.

when I read your post yesterday, I remember thinking: how am I possibly going to handle it when me or W actually move out of the house? The fact that you "held it together" for the 1 1/2 hours she was there was good for me to read. I thought: I need to be more like CC!

Our stich's have many differences, yet I completely empathized with how you felt yesterday, and the way you said it. I have the same strong reactions and thoughts, even when the circumstances are different. This reminds me that I need to focus on the one thing I can control: my reactions.

I admire your dedication to S7. You are a great father. Both of use have things to deal with that feel impossible(like everyone here). Keep going!

[Awoken]

Also:

I have the same strong reaction to music now too. Music just brings my emotions all the way to the surface. It's tough because it's usually a refuge for me, and and first I felt like I'd lost it too because it was so painful. I make my living performing and teaching music. Last week one of my students brought in the song that I played for my W at our wedding. I couldn't hold back the tears. Fortunately this student is friend and knows what is going on, but STILL it's embarrassing. Playing gigs has been tough too.

To handle this, I've starting listening to all new music, exploring new genres: classical, world music, what ever I can find. I've been using Pandora.com to find new ideas.

[CountingCrows]

Journaling:

Still pretty upset/depressed after getting up today. Vivid dreams kept me from sleeping in, even without S7 waking me up. Did some laundry and light housecleaning and caught up on last week's shows that I missed (Fringe, FlashForward).

Went over to my parents house to take title to my old car that's going to auction this week. Dad left shortly after I arrived to head to airport for a business meeting. Mom and I sat and talked/cried for about a hour. Today is the 1st anniversary of the death of her mother, and she was about as emotionally unstable as I am right now. We reminisced about my Grandmother some and discussed a visit to Disney World in mid-January (my parents' big gift to all the kids/grandkids this Christmas).

My Mom dropped a bomb on me during our conversation. She told me that my BIL and youngest sister (I'm the oldest and only male of 4 kids) had just come over earlier today to confess that BIL had a 9 month affair earlier this year. They are still living together with their precious D2 and D5. They are going to MC together. MC had asked him to do the confession. He apparently ended A in late Oct, when he came to the realization that he was about to lose the W he loved and his Ds. They are in their mid-30s and have been married for just over 10 years. The thought that someone could do that to my beautiful "baby" sister really hurt.

This really came out of the blue, as this marriage always appeared to me is as close to "perfect" you could ever ask for. They're very active in their church, and have always seemed totally crazy about each other and their family. Guess things aren't always what they seem, and even "perfect" families can have their dark secrets. At least BIL is out of his fog and is dedicated to building a new R with my sister, recognizing that the marriage they once had is no longer.

Made me really wish I was in their situation, as painful as it must be for both of them. I would love more than anything to put my prior marriage (which I realize is gone) on the street and build a new R with my W. I've just got to be patient enough to see if W ever comes out of her fog and is serious about wanting to try again. In the meantime, I just have to keep moving forward with life for ME and S7.

Hugged my Mom, dried my eyes, got myself back together and left my parents house. Drove 15 minutes through almost freezing drizzle to W's apartment to pick up S7. Very brief, upbeat visit (<5 minutes), just said our greetings and goodbyes, borrowed the vacuum cleaner she had taken from the house, and S7 and I headed out.

S7 hadn't eaten lunch/dinner, and neither had I, so we stopped by McD's (although we try to keep those visits to a minimum). At S7's request, we ate inside before coming home. He seems to have had a good time with his Mom, particularly with W's roommate's D6 there overnight. He got to sleep with W in her bed, which made him really happy. I don't let him sleep in my bed, as I feel it's can lead to a habit that's hard to break, but she doesn't have anywhere else but their couch for the kids to sleep on.

Anyway...I'm going to get started vacuuming so I can give the Kirby back to W in the morning. Not really ready to start a new work week, but determined to give it 100% of my effort.

[CountingCrows]

Wife woke up late and called me at 7:15am. She showed up about 5 minutes before I left for work. Loaded the vacuum cleaner up in her truck, said goodbye to S7 and left for work. She was the mailman to me.

[CountingCrows]

With Christmas coming up, is it appropriate to buy a gift for WAW? We usually purchase something shared between the two of us at Christmas (furniture, DVD player, etc), but I'm at a loss this year. Don't want anything to be perceived as pursuing, but also don't want to be totally rude either. Maybe a card, a calender...a lump of coal?!