Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

So I'm driving back from my winter second job -- keeping score for a local high school at its basketball games -- when W calls. D10 has a friend over for a sleepover and something is irritating her eyes. Do I have any eye drops.

I have some at work and tell her I'll drop them off in about 30 minutes.

Fifteen minutes later she calls again. The friend is having an allergic reaction and she's going to put everyone in the car and drive her home.

OK. So I stay at work and finish up a project. She calls again. The mom of the friend took her to the hospital and D10 went along. Now W has D7 at the friend's house along with their four brothers and sisters. The husband was still at work and the family has just one car so W lent her hers.

That was it. No need for me to do anything. She just wanted to fill me in.

About an hour later, I called to see what was going on. D7 was having a blast and wanted to stay for a sleepover. W has no way home, but I can't pick her up because she needs her car to get to work in the morning.

So I went home and went to bed.

Not sure if there's anything to read in that.

Also an interesting thing happened on Thursday. That day, when I left after school I did not tell the babysitter to log off my Facebook before W got home.

When I got to work, I went in and deleted all of the messages where I was down or mopey. I left all the happy, conversational ones in there, including the ones to a friend in Chicago that I went to visit and a lady that I've gone to see two bands and a movie with -- albeit in a group.

Friday, after school, I checked the computer history and W had gone through all of my Facebook, particularly stopping to read the messages from the night before Thanksgiving when we went to see two bands play in downtown. She also went on my friend's page and looked through her pictures.

I called my aunt to talk about it. She said it doesn't mean W is necessarily jealous or curious about what I'm doing. She said she may have just been checking to see if I've been running her down online -- which I haven't.

I'm not sure what to read out of it. I'll just look forward to the positive milestones. Sunday is two months since the last R talk. Wednesday was one month since the last D mention of any kind -- in an email.

[mishka422]

Also an interesting thing happened on Thursday. That day, when I left after school I did not tell the babysitter to log off my Facebook before W got home.

When I got to work, I went in and deleted all of the messages where I was down or mopey. I left all the happy, conversational ones in there, including the ones to a friend in Chicago that I went to visit and a lady that I've gone to see two bands and a movie with -- albeit in a group.

Friday, after school, I checked the computer history and W had gone through all of my Facebook, particularly stopping to read the messages from the night before Thanksgiving when we went to see two bands play in downtown. She also went on my friend's page and looked through her pictures.

I called my aunt to talk about it. She said it doesn't mean W is necessarily jealous or curious about what I'm doing. She said she may have just been checking to see if I've been running her down online -- which I haven't.

Ok, this could just be me, but this sounds very manipulative and sneaky. Why do all of that? What were you really trying to accomplish through this?

Why let her see what you have been doing at all? Why manipulate the data to fit what you want her to see? Is that real? It's not a true picture of what is going on with you. I'm not saying you should lay everything out there, but changing the contents of your FB information so that your W sees specific info is extreme.

So again, what is the motivation? Why do you want her accessing your stuff? Snooping isn't attractive in anyone so how does it make you feel to know that she was looking at all of that? Also, curious, how could you know how much time she spent on the pages and that she was even there? Is there some sort of history item in FB?

[ClingingToHope]

Isn't part of DBing presenting your best face when seeing the WAS even if you are torn up inside? I was just interested that she checked all of the pages. Six months ago she was telling me she didn't care what I did. Go out and find someone else. She was done.

[mishka422]

Presenting your best face, yes.

It just seemed manipulative that you would purposefully not log off your FB account and then go it and adjust it to present something that would raise your W's curiosity while hiding everything that would paint you in a more human light.

She looked because it was available. Not because she was determined to look. There is a big difference.

[awest1217]

Mishka is right. You did that stuff because you wanted her to see it and get jealous just like you got jealous when you read the facebook stuff between her and the old crush. Are you trying to push her away? DBing is not about manipulating to get your way. I think you really need to sit down and re-evaluate your motivations and behaviors. It really looks like lately you are out for revenge and that is very not DB. DB is first about letting go of blame. NO MORE BLAMING! Second you need to stop R talks, which you have done well. Third, any interactions with W need to be positive and always upbeat. Lastly GAL, which does not mean going out so you are never alone. You need to learn to be alone with yourself and not busy. You need to learn to be ok with just you. Once you do those things you will become happier.

Sorry for being so harsh, but you really should not set up W. It really seems like you are trying to get her back, which is not good.

With her calling you and letting you have the girls on Christmas Eve, she really is trying to keep you a part of their lives and that is a good thing. She is cooperating with you to see the girls a lot. Also the every Wednesday night thing could very well be counseling or even group counseling, which is a positive. Lastly, as you keep saying, you have no papers and no D talk in a month so you should start counting your blessings.

[ClingingToHope]

Picked the girls up this morning so W could go on her Chicago shopping trip with her mom. Girls haven't said anything so I'm not sure they realize they aren't making the American Girl Doll store trip this year.

Yesterday, W and the girls went and got the Christmas tree and put out the Christmas village.

So when I got there everything was all set up and they were excited to show me everything. And .... it just sucked. But I didn't let her see that. When D7 and I looked at the Christmas village, I pointed out the ones I bought for W.

That was the traditional gift. I would buy her a new building to go with the ones she got from her grandmother.

I made sure to get up early and take a shower and put new clothes on. I was out until 2 a.m. so it was a chore to wake up.

I worked last night and was only going to go out for an hour or so. But then the friend I was out with and I started talking about relationships -- she and and her husband both used to work with me and I helped her husband get the part-time jobs he has now to help them get through both being laid off.

They've been married 13 years and -- she's not happy. Bingo, the 10-14 year stage. She's committed though to staying married and wants to go to counseling. He apparently thinks it's just a phase and doesn't want to go.

We went back and forth over a lot of stuff. She's been spending a lot of time at a neighbor's house -- a man -- and says he's just a friend and they aren't attracted to each other.

I told her that's really dangerous and there are really few men interested just in friendship. The neighbor is not married.

We went over my sitch as well. She sees some things differently than I do. She doesn't think my W is going to file. She thinks she may just let it sit in limboland indefinitely, especially considering the amount of money I'm giving her now is likely to be more than what she'd get in D.

When it was over I really started to wonder if anyone is happily married?

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka and Awest. I've been thinking about what you were saying. I guess it comes down to the fact I felt better that W was at least interested enough to go through all the stuff.

If she truly didn't care -- which was what she was saying seven months ago -- she would have logged off and gotten on her own Facebook.

In terms of killing the messages I didn't want her to see, well we are all actors. Knowing how easy it really is to access Facebook, I've been killing messages that had anything to do with D. I have a couple of friends who have gone through D giving me advice. I wouldn't want W seeing those. The messages to my aunt when I'm really down. I don't want W to see those either.

This thread. I'd never want to W to see these.

I've been burned by what I didn't want her to read. Back in the spring, she found a journal I'd been keeping over the previous year. It was specifically a journal for me to dump all of my mounting frustrations into. It was about 80 percent negative, 20 percent positive. I rarely wrote in it when things were going well.

She read it and got really angry. She said those must be my "true" feelings. I tried to tell her it was a way to get the angry thoughts out of my head.

So now I use this site to dump my anger and frustration.

[ClingingToHope]

Christmas is going to be tougher than I thought. Went to pick up girls this morning. They were excited to show me the tree W went with them to get yesterday. Also, she'd put out her Christmas Village. I bought 10 of those houses. That was our traditional gift.

That hurt a bit. I don't know why I didn't think she'd get the tree yet.

Went to church. That got me refocused. Then we ate and headed out to the same tree farm that W got the tree. My idea was to buy new Christmas ornaments for new memories.

Next year, we'll do the same thing, but we won't go to the tree farm. I really struggled there. That's where all FOUR of us have gone every year to get the tree. Christmas is by far W's favorite holiday. She puts up hundreds of lights. There's the village. She really puts a lot into it.

This year I won't be there for any of that. Today I wasn't ready for that. Hopefully, it'll get better -- not worse -- the closer we get to Christmas.

[ClingingToHope]

Here's a positive note though. Two months since I forced the last R talk and got the "I still haven't changed my mind" speech.

As far as I can tell, there's been no movement toward a D though in the past six weeks.

Perhaps it's the holidays. Perhaps things are picking up at work. Perhaps the single life isn't as desirable.

If time is on my side it's starting to pile up. This week will mark seven months of separation.

[ClingingToHope]

Calling out Puppy Dog Tails.

I've spent a lot of time going over Chocolate Eyes' posts. I got lost though between her begging to come back, the pullback and then the mention of the Jan. 9 court date.

At that point, it looked like everything was over. What happened?

I've made so many mistakes to this point that I don't see a way back. The more I look around, the less I believe there's anything actively going on in terms of an OM.

So I still believe I'm facing a MLC.

One thing is I wish I hadn't moved out and made her do it. But then again I might still be struggling with the same unhappiness and unwilling to own up to my role in it.

I find it interesting that it took a D filing to begin the change in your W. I've gone back and forth on how much patience I'll have. I'd actually be in better shape in D than I am in limboland. There were a couple of times last month I'd decided that if she hadn't filed by the time I needed to reup my lease then I would.

Then I have some good interactions with her, read some of the success stories, and can't find any proof that she's moving toward a D or an OM and feel that patience will solve everything.

My problem is I never had a searing affair to cause me to become "done." I just have a cold-eyed, physically distant W who would rather read romance novels, drink wine and play with her "toys" than reconnect with me.