Still in the tunnel with hubby

[addie]

Hi K,

I just read some of your thread. I'm so sorry this is happening. Your H sounds like he is not out of the tunnel yet. Many of the reasons he has given you for wanting the D sound very much like script.
If you want your H back, keep DB. Your sitch definitely doesn't sound hopeless. It's not over til it's over and even then you never know. Hang in there!

[kjensen]

Thanks Grace and Addie. I haven't given up hope.

Things are definitely odd with H. Last night we went to see D14 in a band parade and there was a message on the voicemail from H's credit card company wanting to verify a check written off his account to prevent fraud. H said erase the message that he knew what it was about... He said he'd written the check and I asked to whom and he got mysterious and said he couldn't tell me.(Like it was a Christmas thing).

Later I asked him directly if he had retained a lawyer and he admitted 'Yes, that was what the check was for'-he didn't know how to tell me. He'd signed up with the lawyer and paid a retainer on the day he said he was moving out and wanted a divorce so that he couldn't be talked out of it.

Then unfortunately we had a bit of a row and H started yelling.
We settled down and within a half an hor H was showing me the youtube mashup of Tiger Wood's voicemail message to his mistress-saying how funny (I think sad) it was..then we checked out some other websites/videos that H wanted to share(he calls them his guilty pleasure)..acting alot like a teenager.

Then to bed. H said he'd miss being close to me-joked that maybe we could get together once a year for a week and never leave the bedroom....ML then and again in the morning.

Then he started packing and was in a fog-hadn't planned on what he'd take, didn't realize how much stuff he had..hadn't thought it out.

So I went shopping. H is at work and hasn't come back for his second load of stuff yet...we haven't talked about logistics of anything-its all just by the seat of his pants.

I'm sad but trying to focus elsewhere. Its a hard day though.

[addie]

I agree with what your DB coach is saying. It's a hard decision though - doing what's best for your D's by having them spend time with their dad in your home or allowing H to feel the full impact of his choices. Since your H is all set on filing for D, I would lean towards the latter. Don't try to shelter him from the choices he's made. Allow him to see just how difficult it will be. You will have to set boundaries.

[kjensen]

I think H is feeling the full effects of his choice already. He's projecting anger. H called this morning to say he was sorry he missed me(and the girls?) yesterday when he came back home for more stuff. H told me how his cousin keeps the temp low(50s) in his townhome and how H's room is facing north and above the garage and freezing...

I listened and validated. I told H I'd gathered a few things he might need but missed (his blood pressure RX)..and H immediately said-"oh your trying to get my stuff out..." that theme came up later when H came by to pick a few things up.."OK I got it, I'll leave"...I kept saying that was not what I was doing-I was trying to help...I didn't want him to leave-I had wanted him to stay..I was not angry as H thought(projected)...

Very MLC I think. He's the one leaving, hiring a lawyer, wanting a D, yet acts as if I am the one kicking him out....

I sked H if he'd like some tea(to do a 180 and show him I actually did want him to stay and spend time as it was obvious he wanted to) and he immediately said yes.

My mom called and I didn't pick up but H saw her name on the caller ID and said in a rush that he was going and I could have the rest of his tea...he left really quickly-it was weird.

H told his mom about the separation/divorce-something he'd avoided completely during the first separation. He said his Dad might have been on the line but if so he said nothing...His mom was supportive he said and he didn't go into detail with her.

H made a point of calling me later on my cell(I missed the call) to tell me something funny he noticed..I didn't call back.

Very sad. I know H isn't happy about his living situation-he HATES the cold and since we are getting extreme cold for Colorado and snow, this is the weather that usually throws him into a winter 'depression'...

So we'll see if there's more projecting to happen. I'm doing OK in comparison. Its all relative.

[peacetoday]

K
I was sorry to hear you H decided to leave
It is a long and bumpy road
you have done well
continue on your path and hopefully your H will figure it out
peace

[Grace_O]

K,

Sorry he's leaving. Do not help him though. You already see how it's taken. So, stop. If he forgets something he'll just have to make arrangements.

How are your D's holdong up?

HUGS

[kjensen]

Thanks everyone for the support.

I didn't help H move this time and haven't even seen his cousin's condo. Really different from the first separation when I (naively) helped H find a place and move stuff, bought things for his new place...just really naive and probably an indication of how un-detached I was back then...

D14 is doing well. D12 is lashing out at me and D14...says she won't ever forgive her father..is mad at me for wearing my wedding ring..is mad at me for being sad(I'm not nearly as much as he first go-round). D12 won't text her dad back..he just sighs or grumbles about it. I guess he'll work it out or the wont-it just makes me sad to thing of the negative effects on the girls.

H has told his family(I'm not sure exactly what). No word rom any of them except my SIL who sent me a message on FB. She and my H's brother had an affair(his) to work through a few years ago and so far so good for them.

Today was hard. H came over to take D14 to school. He emailed me later about the kids schedules and called in the afternoon. Tonight he called to see how I was and he sounded all chipper-I wasn't(not DBing) b/c I've had a rotten HA for 2 days and am wiped out.

I've made no contact except to respond to H. I'd really rather he wasn't around, but that can't be helped.

I'm expecting a letter from his lawyer any day and will have to find one of my own. I get very tense thinking about what will happen financially from a divorce. I suspect I will have to pay child support to him and give him part of my retirement-which really irks me...I basically have supported us without much help from him for the last 6 years and I will lose because of that.

I guess what bothers me about it is how I won't be able to keep the kids in the same lifestyle(not super extravagant by any means) if I also have to help H.

The girls having two homes to shuttle between makes me really sad. I know I'm jumping the gun with these thoughts, but these are my worries right now. I need to try and stay in the moment.

Just a sad day today.

[Grace_O]

((((K)))))

It all is sad.

Unfortunately your D12 sounds like my D14. She was so angry. Now she feigns indifference towards H. They (Both D's) will answer texts from him sometimes and I know from H that they don't really talk to him. I had to give the girls more bad news last week (nothing to do with H) and I let him know so he could talk to them etc. Turns out neither one of them would answer their phones, H had to call the house phone and go through me to talk with them <sigh>.

I'm sure it will get better for your D's, it takes time.

Your right not to be thinking to much out in the distance about what could happen. Your plate is full enough. I know you will do an amazing job of handling everything that comes your way, when it gets there.

I hope you feel better soon.

HUGS

[trustingfaith]

(((KJ)))

Just wanted to stop by and say I was sorry for all that is going on. This MLC thing just stinks. Keep trying to stay in the moment but do let yourself have the time you need to grieve. No one can predict the future so just take it like it comes. We are all here for you!

[kjensen]

Thanks Grace and TF.
I met with the marriage counselor today, kind of just to wrap things up since H cancelled our last session with him. He was surprised H had decided to move out and divorce-sort of. He felt that H has been conflicted and may need to sort things out and spin on his own.

He said that he thought H trusted me alot and the complaints that H had with me/our relationship were pretty small and not something to D over. He understood that H may very well have revised history in order to justify his decision to leave..or else he's been pretending that things were good for a long time before he admitted they weren't 'ever' good...No way to know.
The therapist thought that its very possible that H will change his mind before the D is ever final. He sensed alot of conflict and indecisiveness in H.
The therapist thought it made sense that H would have stress, make a decision(any decision) which would alleviate that stress and start talking to me more(like the few days before he moved out)...but I think the stress will build again.

It was a good session. H has been continuing to contact me about the girls schedules/xmas presents. He wants to sit with me and D12 tonight at D14's band concert-seemed surprised when I asked him if I should save a seat. I told him I didn't want to assume anything.

H's SIL is still reaching out to me and I guess H's brother is really saddened by this development(H moving out)..as he worked out his marriage a few years ago with SIL. H's parents are depressed by this news but haven't contacted me or the girls.

We'll see how things go. I'm pretty wiped out by all of this and trying to keep my head in a good space.