She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[ClingingToHope]

I was talking to my DB counselor about a conversation I had on Oct. 22 that initially I was proud of. It started out about the kids. I asked about an insurance thing. She said to check with my company because I'd be kicked off her insurance when the D becomes final mid-year. I asked her if she'd be filing soon and she said yes.

For the first time, I didn't collapse or plead or ask for another chance. We talked calmly about perhaps getting a collaborative divorce.

I felt strong.

Dottie, my DB counselor, told me it was not a smart thing to do.

If I don't want a D then I shouldn't bring it up and if W does find a way to bring up a D, I should focus on the issue at hand instead of discussing D and if she persists then find a way to get out of the conversation.

If you really don't want a D then don't bring it up. If she tries to bait you into a D discussion then find a reason to end the conversation.

Time is our only ally here. Use it to your advantage. Don't push the process along unless you want to be divorced.

Yes, remain calm and strong. But Dottie gave me the best advice I've received. It's a DB staple but I didn't embrace it. Act "as if." As in acting as if this is all going to work out in the end. It's just a phase.

Another thing, from an earlier post. Don't try to guilt her over the cost or the kids. That's just a form of control. That actually works in reverse. It pushes them away because they want to show you they can make it on their own.

Plus, what if it works and you remain together just for the sake of money or the kids. Is that really what you want? You'll be walking around on eggshells for another five years and then once they are both 18 what will you have then.

She's got to stay because she loves you and it may take time for her to realize that. Don't speed up the process unless you want to end it.