I need help please

[newmama]

DO NOT feel guilty about spending the $...he spent for $ for his As and in that case, any amount is too much! but don't bring that up right now.

I know what you mean about them not changing...I read somewhere that if R comes for us, that is one of the toughest things to deal with. we made changes for the better in their absence, and all they did was drop the A. so it can be infuriating.

Sometimes I list the annoying things about WH to make myself feel better in case he Ds me!

[bestraongforyou]

You know the worst - I love and miss him so much - he is gone 6 months and I think I am in complete denial. Even though I live without him every day I don't think I have ever really envisioned a future without him.I have pictured our divorce day and me completely falling apart. It just takes my breath away

[newmama]

You will go in and out..it has been 8 months for me but I am getting a combination of being fed up and getting a second wind to ride it out longer! Most BSs probably give up by now...

[bestraongforyou]

I am just worried what he is telling other people - after the first set of nasty messages from him 2 days ago about the mortgage I texted him yesterday if he knew when hee would be home for X-Mas(that was before the phone call) - I nearly fell off my chair when I read it: "I don't know I should have been ome next week but you seem intent on keeping me away so maybe I can't get home for X-Mas either." So I sent a reply back totally shocked:"You can't be serious" And that's the reply I got: " I am really afraid it's you not being serious. You took money that was not yours without asking and I am not serious.You really need to get a grip."

I then called him as I had enough...


Who is this man? I am afraid he will tell his family now that I am keeping him away from our boys - i just don't know what to do - I can't go NC with him yet as I still need his email password to proof his infidelity and I need him in the house for
that over X-Mas so he can use my laptop.
This is nothing like my husband or maybe I must have been blind for 9 years or maybe he is a good actor and this is his real character, I don't know.

[P17]

I am just worried what he is telling other people - after the first set of nasty messages from him 2 days ago about the mortgage I texted him yesterday if he knew when hee would be home for X-Mas(that was before the phone call) - I nearly fell off my chair when I read it: "I don't know I should have been ome next week but you seem intent on keeping me away so maybe I can't get home for X-Mas either." So I sent a reply back totally shocked:"You can't be serious" And that's the reply I got: " I am really afraid it's you not being serious. You took money that was not yours without asking and I am not serious.You really need to get a grip."

Sorry, I did laugh at this bit. I know it's not funny for you, but from the outside he is. Have a look at those texts again after you have had a chance to digest them.

Do you know what I see when I read them? Somebody who wnats attention and a big kid:

" .. but you seem intent on keeping me away so maybe I can't get home for X-Mas either"

Oh, poor him. You big nasty woman you. You are keeping away for Xmas by, err, you know, em ... hmm. A bit childish.

"I am really afraid it's you not being serious. You took money that was not yours without asking and I am not serious.You really need to get a grip"

If the money was in the joint account it's, ahem, yours too. You also took it to pay for a mortgage on his house. Again, a little bit childish. If he had a pram, the toys would be out of it.

I then called him as I had enough...

You should have ignored him. Let him play his games. If you wanted to say anything you should have texted back that you wanted him home for Xmas. You used the money to pay the mortgage. But it's up to him. Full stop. Let him deal with it. By responding you are pandering to him. Think of him like a child ... when a child cries it does it because it knows mummy will come. When mummy doesn't come, it will stop eventually. In his case he will also wonder why you are ignoring him. Let him cry. Don't go to him.

One of the best bits of advice I got on here was when the WAS sends you a text, leave it for at the very minimum a few hours, before you respond. This allows you to respond without emotion and gives you a chance to digest it. He will also start to wonder why you haven't responded as quickly as usual ... it's a 180.

Who is this man? I am afraid he will tell his family now that I am keeping him away from our boys - i just don't know what to do

Speak to them first. Tell them you know this situation is difficult for everybody but you want to keep the kids in touch with their family, ALL of their family, and especially their dad. Don't get into a discussion about the R with them, or what H has done. If they try to drag it that way just tell them it's tough for both of you and leave it at that. Don't be drawn into it. Stick to the discussion about the kids.

I can't go NC with him yet as I still need his email password to proof his infidelity and I need him in the house for
that over X-Mas so he can use my laptop.

Why do you need proof? Is this for the D?

This is nothing like my husband or maybe I must have been blind for 9 years or maybe he is a good actor and this is his real character, I don't know.

You should come and look at my wife if you think you are the only one to experience this. It's normal.

To let you know about my W, she is the COMPLETE opposite of what she was. And I mean COMPLETE. She is mean, nasty, cold, defensive, bossy, short (in words and tone not stature :)). She is with a man who is unlikely to want kids, had abandoned his own two, smokes (she's allergic to smoke), drinks, is 11 years older than her and is probably into drugs. Before the A she was always criticising the number of A's going on at her work and how terrible it was ... BINGO!

Your H is probably pretty much the same.

Remember his behaviour, just like that of my W, is borne out of hurt (read his texts again - that is a hurt man), guilt (read the texts - that is a man who is talking out of guilt and that is probably also why he is hurt) and upset. One day he will realise he has become everything he hates ... if he doesn't, he has truly moved over so far to the 'dark side' that you will never reach him, but that is not your fault. If he does, he will no doubt realise that he has become everything he hates.

[bestraongforyou]

But why is he hurt? Didn't he get everything he wanted? His
freedom?
It felt like he made me feel safe for 2 months by being nice and then attacking me again - why in god's name?
Ok I have spent money and he didn't like my business but that's it - I have never cheated or hurt him in any other way - I love this man with all my heart, always have.


I need the proof for me - all I have so far is proof of the woman he dated after we split and it really looks like it only started after we split - I want to know the reason he split in the first place - I need to know how much of our marriage was fake in the first place - I went off the pill since our youngest was born 8 years ago and WH had a huge fight with me about going on the pill again and going off condoms - that was September 08 - I want to know if he had sex with someone else since then - and then go for a STD test - the problem I have is guessing his passsword of his secret email account as I don't know when he created it. It could be there for years.

[bestraongforyou]

P17, I am so happy for this site, you have no idea - and you are ok for laughing - it is funny I am sure from the outside.
I burst into tears when reading it though because my first thought was:"He is not coming back home, ever."
I will take your 180 suggestion and stop answering straight away - it's a good idea - and from January on I have enough money to keep me over water for a while on my own in case I need to which takes the pressure off.
He said to me yesterday if we ever have a conversation like this agin he will cut me out of the account.Or better he won't lodge money into it anymore.He thinks I am completely depending on him financially but that will change soon.

[bestraongforyou]

He always thought about his money as ours but that's now different - now everything is his and funnily enough he says the house is now mine even though we took out the mortgage together -I could never take the mortgage only on my name - the bank wouldn't let me - furthermore in Ireland most properties have now negative equity, I am sure our house is one of them. I should check that out.

[P17]

But why is he hurt? Didn't he get everything he wanted? His freedom?

He is hurt because he has betrayed you, broken up his family, hurt the woman he loved and become what he hates. If you did all of this would you not be hurt - hurt by yourself?

It felt like he made me feel safe for 2 months by being nice and then attacking me again - why in god's name?

What did you do in those two months? And I don't mean to him, I mean in your behaviours?

Ok I have spent money and he didn't like my business but that's it - I have never cheated or hurt him in any other way - I love this man with all my heart, always have.

I need the proof for me - all I have so far is proof of the woman he dated after we split and it really looks like it only started after we split

You said if you went to C he was going to come clean about the A? Is this the A you want to know about?

I want to know the reason he split in the first place - I need to know how much of our marriage was fake in the first place - I went off the pill since our youngest was born 8 years ago and WH had a huge fight with me about going on the pill again and going off condoms - that was September 08 - I want to know if he had sex with someone else since then - and then go for a STD test

I think you have to ask yourself this question - do you REALLY want to know this stuff? Think about what it will do to you if you do know. Why not act like it is all true and take actions based on that (ie. the STD test etc.)?

Remember what he tells you about 'why you split in the first place' is unlikely, in my limited experience, to be true. He probably doesn't know himself or will use the usual 'I fell out of love with you', 'I was papering over the cracks' (my W liked to use this one), 'I lost trust in you' ... yada yada yada.

the problem I have is guessing his passsword of his secret email account as I don't know when he created it. It could be there for years.

If he has a secret email account that would tell me pretty much everything I needed to know. I asked W if I could see her phone, at the start, to prove she wasn't having an affair and she said ... no. What does that tell you?

Ask him for the password? He can only say no. Although if he thinks you don't know about it you will be showing him your cards.

[P17]

He said to me yesterday if we ever have a conversation like this agin he will cut me out of the account.Or better he won't lodge money into it anymore.He thinks I am completely depending on him financially but that will change soon.

More childish threats. He needs to man up and remember he has two kids to take care of regardless of who he is 'with'. He stops paying the mortgage and your boys and you (and him) are homeless. Well done daddy.

My advice at this stage is so see legal advice. You don't need to tell him you're doing it. You don't need to do anything about it. You are protecting yourself to find out what is what. I did this early on and it has put me in good stead.

If you don't do that then I'd suggest you get Super Nanny in and find a comfortable place for the 'naughty spot' as he is going to be there quite a lot I think.