Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Watcher]

SD: I have been following this site for a while and your thread in particular. And I think I can shed some light on what you might encounter depending on the PI's report. I feel that we are on the same train line, but I am a few minutes further down the track than you are. I also have a perspective on how to deal with the W while you are home for the R&R visit. I am in month 4 of face to face "same house, same bed" involvement with my WAW. I would not leave my house, or my bed, and neither should you!!

I know you want info. but I want to wait and find out from Greek and Coach, when is the best time for you to be thinking about all this. No need to focus on extraneous events that might not even be real(ie. no OM). This is stuff you need to know before the PI's report but you do not need to dwell on it.

Keep strong, and you are right, she is not the woman you married!!

[SoldierDad]

Thanks Watcher, I am standing by for any and all advice/suggestions on how to deal with my W. I find the hardest part of all this, is to accept the fact that she doesn't want me anymore. I sometimes feel that because I am "out of sight, out of mind", that this is so much easier on her, than some of the other sitch's on here. I dunno, I firmly believe there is "someone" that she is confiding/talking to about all of this. My sitch is unfolding just like all the others. I read somewhere that a woman doesn't let go of a firm, stable vine, to fall into the dark, deep unknown abyss of the jungle, unless she has another firm/steady vine waiting to hold her. It is going to be extremely difficult to hear/see that she is having an A, but I am trying to prepare myself for it the best I can-if that is even possible. Thanks again.

[SoldierDad]

Ok, just got off the phone with S12. He told me W let him have a sleepover last night with 2 friends. W told S12 that she had some things to do at work, and left. One of the friends father called every hour, checking on his son, who is also 12. At around 330 am, he came and picked up his son, when his son told him that my W wasn't there. My W didn't come home until 0800-0900. Now I am extremely pissed and hurt for that boy, and also that my W left them alone ALL night. I really need some advice on this, as I am so pissed, i don't want to do anything wrong. Thanks.

[Frosty Michael]

I'm amdending your quote...

a woman doesn't let go of a firm, stable vine, to fall into the dark, deep unknown abyss of the jungle, unless SHE THINKS she has another firm/steady vine waiting to hold her.

My W reached out for a very frayyed unstable vine that certainly looked appealing to her at the time! Now she's in that abbyss. Chances are if your wife is having an A she has no idea what kind of realistic future really awaits her.

That business about your son's sleepover really makes me angry. I'm not a parent but I would hope there's something you can do about this.

[Greek]

Ok, just got off the phone with S12. He told me W let him have a sleepover last night with 2 friends. W told S12 that she had some things to do at work, and left. One of the friends father called every hour, checking on his son, who is also 12. At around 330 am, he came and picked up his son, when his son told him that my W wasn't there. My W didn't come home until 0800-0900. Now I am extremely pissed and hurt for that boy, and also that my W left them alone ALL night. I really need some advice on this, as I am so pissed, i don't want to do anything wrong. Thanks.

Document, document, document. AND... do you know this daddy who picked up his son from the sleepover? Might want to touch base with him when you get back home - just to verify the particulars of this story.

You're going to want to get on the phone and blast Mother of the Year for this irresponsible behavior. Do not. You will be home next week - make contact with a nextdoor neighbor or friend in close proximity to your house. Ask this person to be your sons' 'go to' if W ever does this again. Let your boys know and then let W know "W, I'm aware of occassions when you have left our sons home alone all night without an adult. I have told the boys that if this happens again, they are to call so-and-so to come pick them up. I will not allow my boys to be put in peril of being home alone at night without an adult present." This isn't up for debate with her - she'll probably want to make the case for them being old enough, responsible enough, nothing happened...whatev. You will not discuss it - just lay down the boundary and walk away b/c that's that with that.

Greek

[goldeylox]

Wow, this is a busy thread.
First, SoldierDad, thank you for serving and Welcome Home! I hope your travels are safe.
You are getting wonderful advice from Coach/Greek and others, better than I can offer. You may have answered this already...is it possible to get some sort of deferral for the last part of this tour, for your family emergency? Or is that a career buster? I am ignorant when it comes to the military.
Peace, Goldeylox

[SoldierDad]

Greek, I already called the Mother and spoke with her. F came to pick up S at 0200. I tried calling her this morning, to set a boundary about this behavior, but she won't answer her cell. I also called BIL, to vent, he tried her cell too-no answer. He told me that she thinks not answering her phone will make it go away. I have documented all of this, and will contact father of sons friend, and get him to write something for me. I am so angry right now, and feel awful for what she is doing/did. IWhen I called my sons friends Mother, I did NOT apologize for my wifes actions, but I did apologize that there wasn't a responsible adult present. I am just so pissed that she has again left my boys-and now their friends alone with no supervision.

[SoldierDad]

gold, ya, in my position/job, it would NOT be good. But, my family is so important to me, I am thinking of speaking to someone, and see what can be done if anything-but if I do that, I will be "labeled". Hard to describe, but it would mean that I have "issues". I am a week away from 2 weeks at "home", so I am going to try to tuff it out. I have notified a friend of mine, and my boys have his number if anything like this happens again. S15, is indifferent to the whole thing, he kinda likes that she isn't around-no rules-he can do what he wants. Anyway. I have more calls to make.

[goldeylox]

I get it...I nearly lost my job last year and some people still look at me a little funny.
Please, when you get home, do not feel obligated to spend too much time here on the boards.
We'll be here for you...so you can be there for your family. I hope your leave is productive. Where is home?
Peace, Goldey

[SoldierDad]

Ok, W just called me, I simply stated my boundary-W I can't control what you are doing, but I am not going to allow my boys to be left alone for more than 5 hours again-especially if they have friends over. If you are gone from the home for more than 5 hours, I will do what is necessary to protect my boys. She started saying something about they can be home for 8 hours-I interrupted her, and said it agian, and then hung up as she started to argue with me again.