He ain't nuthin but a hound dog

[Dudess]

But he began to treat me differently as soon as we married.

that is a fairly typical pattern for abusive individuals. They are one person for the wooing, no matter how long it takes, and they are someone else, the real person, when they've "caught you" as you say. .

Yes it is. That happened to you too didn't it?

In my opinion, you can't know the results of a conversation about something without actually having the conversation. And sporadic emails is no way to really talk to someone. Why not tell him that when he comes back you and he will talk? If he doesn't intend to be home before Xmas, then the talk will wait. If he wants to get answers to his question, he will have to show up and have the conversation.

The mature approach certainly would be to have face to face conversation about making major life altering choices.

So the immediate question is how to respond to his email re: Christmas. A related issue is how and when to tell him I am moving out.

No response. Total silence. You don't tell him you are moving out. End of story.

HERE is what this is all about...

I did a little internet searching and found out that a female business colleague he had pursued, unsuccessfully, 10 years ago was at the event. When H and I were just pals, he had told me how he had been obsessed with her and pursued her for a couple of years until she finally had to tell him, "look I really like you as a friend but that's all." It wasn't until she got a steady BF that he gave up.

I agree. I am quite sure she is the reason he what he did.

You didn't LISTEN to him. He even told you this was the woman that tripped his trigger. There is nothing else to analyze. He wants her and never stopped wanting her.

Do you think that once a man has been obsessed with a woman it never goes away? I did believe him when he told me he was past that and viewed it as some sort of addictive, 'not-love' experience. When he saw her 7 years ago (when she had a bf), he flew me over there and he seemed to be wholly focused on me. Would you say that if a man has ever had a romantic obsession with someone in the past, to run the other way?

I would think that maybe you don't want to admit that because it would hurt your feelings.

I've been wondering about that. Sure it hurts if that is the case, but I want to know the truth anyway..

I believe it is the truth of this whole mess. There is nothing you can do if he feels this way about her EXCEPT to let him see that you WANT him out of your life. The only way he may come back to you is if he can't have her, but DO you want that?

I don't want to be anyone's 'second choice'.

I would hope that you stop analyzing this to death. Go cold turkey no contact on him unless he steps up to the plate and puts in some effort. If not I believe that you are wasting your time with him.

Okay. Agreed. I have a lot of other, more rewarding, things to do.

Would you like to borrow my boots?

Goldey, I feel honored. Thank you.