He ain't nuthin but a hound dog

[breakaway]

Ironic that my H said he loved how down to earth and unpretentious I am.

Oh, he still loves it...because you won't ask or demand anything of him, while he goes on being as selfish as he pleases. You'd have to be pretty down to earth to not go ballistic over missing this trip to Europe.

I think maybe it's time to knock him off his smug little game. Of course, like a high school boy, he's trying to get YOU to say it's over because he has no balls, and then he's off "guilt free" in his mind.

I'd respond with something like, I guess it's realistic to assume you're spending Christmas with "OW" then. Let him guess how you know about her, etc.

Food for thought.

[breakaway]

The man I married was my favorite person to talk to, and I was his. We had lots of fun together. We had passionate, frequent sex. He is very intelligent, interesting, knowledgeable. He makes me laugh a lot. We have a lot in common in many ways. That's the guy I married.

But he began to treat me differently as soon as we married. I don't know exactly what that is about. I do think that his renewed obsession with the unattainable woman may be a clue. Did he lose interest because he 'caught me"? Based on some things I said, Gucci seemed to think my H really goes for the hard to get woman, and suggested I give him that challenge in a big way.

Dudess, that is a fairly typical pattern for abusive individuals. They are one person for the wooing, no matter how long it takes, and they are someone else, the real person, when they've "caught you" as you say. Not to mention, he in particular seems to want someone to be his mommy. It causes major confusion and cognitive dissonance for the person caught in the trap...

Gucci might suggest that he needs the hard to get woman, but that isn't feasible in a marriage relationship...I mean, you could play it that way and have it work for now, but eventually you have to be "gotten" if you're married. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives being hard to get AFTER marriage.

He doesn't deserve someone like you.

[breakaway]

Oh, and tell him you lit a candle for him...


P.S. I wrote to you in the alt.

[aliveandkicking]

Ironic that my H said he loved how down to earth and unpretentious I am.

Me too. Now as he's sort of maybe kinda coming out of his fog he says, "you're the only woman I can trust."

Lucky me.

[Lotus]

In my opinion, you can't know the results of a conversation about something without actually having the conversation. And sporadic emails is no way to really talk to someone. Why not tell him that when he comes back you and he will talk? If he doesn't intend to be home before Xmas, then the talk will wait. If he wants to get answers to his question, he will have to show up and have the conversation.

[goldeylox]

What was he hoping to get out of that relationship that he couldn't get from you?

Truly not trying to stir the pot here rob, but is it possible her H was hoping to do a little cake eating? And that is clearly not going to happen, nor should it. Virtual Sis, Goldey

[gucci loafer]

So the immediate question is how to respond to his email re: Christmas. A related issue is how and when to tell him I am moving out.

No response. Total silence. You don't tell him you are moving out. End of story. If you truly care about yourself and want to stop the abuse, then do it. You can't be abused if you refuse to play.


We can analyze this forever, but are wasting time.
HERE is what this is all about...

I did a little internet searching and found out that a female business colleague he had pursued, unsuccessfully, 10 years ago was at the event. When H and I were just pals, he had told me how he had been obsessed with her and pursued her for a couple of years until she finally had to tell him, "look I really like you as a friend but that's all." It wasn't until she got a steady BF that he gave up.

You didn't LISTEN to him. He even told you this was the woman that tripped his trigger. There is nothing else to analyze. He wants her and never stopped wanting her. I would think that maybe you don't want to admit that because it would hurt your feelings. I believe it is the truth of this whole mess. There is nothing you can do if he feels this way about her EXCEPT to let him see that you WANT him out of your life. The only way he may come back to you is if he can't have her, but DO you want that? If so, then hang in there.


You are overanalyzing this. This is about the woman he was and may still be obsessed with. It isn't about you. You seem to be obsessed with him as he is to her. I would think that you would undersand then HIS feelings of not wanting someone else. Why don't YOU want someone else? Why can't you get over him? Do you not see the similarities? His feelings are his feelings. When he didn't have her and she dumpled him, he probably secretly never stopped thinking about her. YOU are his fallback if that doesn't work out.

I would hope that you stop analyzing this to death. Go cold turkey no contact on him unless he steps up to the plate and puts in some effort. If not I believe that you are wasting your time with him.

[Gnosis]

In my opinion, you can't know the results of a conversation about something without actually having the conversation. And sporadic emails is no way to really talk to someone. Why not tell him that when he comes back you and he will talk? If he doesn't intend to be home before Xmas, then the talk will wait. If he wants to get answers to his question, he will have to show up and have the conversation.

This is EXCELLENT advice.

Dudess, you're currently living in limbo. Perhaps its time to stir the pot and rattle his cage. It sounds like he has the time and resources to continue his gallivanting indefinitely while you remain to mind the store.

An alternative to Lotus' suggestion is to reply with a blank email titled: "We need to talk, call me" He'll probably delay a day or two before replying in an email with something like "what do you want to talk about?" Ignore all emails until he calls you. Then have it out over the phone. Don't tell him what you're planning, just tell him about all the hurt he's caused you. Then ask him if he feels good about himself and hang up. In the call you don't ask him when he's coming home, you don't mention what you have decided. After the call you go NO CONTACT. I.e You add in "the girl who disappeared" element too.

Never mind, I think Gucci said it best.

[goldeylox]

You can't be abused if you refuse to play.

Well there you have it.
Would you like to borrow my boots?

[Dudess]

But he began to treat me differently as soon as we married.

that is a fairly typical pattern for abusive individuals. They are one person for the wooing, no matter how long it takes, and they are someone else, the real person, when they've "caught you" as you say. .

Yes it is. That happened to you too didn't it?

In my opinion, you can't know the results of a conversation about something without actually having the conversation. And sporadic emails is no way to really talk to someone. Why not tell him that when he comes back you and he will talk? If he doesn't intend to be home before Xmas, then the talk will wait. If he wants to get answers to his question, he will have to show up and have the conversation.

The mature approach certainly would be to have face to face conversation about making major life altering choices.

So the immediate question is how to respond to his email re: Christmas. A related issue is how and when to tell him I am moving out.

No response. Total silence. You don't tell him you are moving out. End of story.

HERE is what this is all about...

I did a little internet searching and found out that a female business colleague he had pursued, unsuccessfully, 10 years ago was at the event. When H and I were just pals, he had told me how he had been obsessed with her and pursued her for a couple of years until she finally had to tell him, "look I really like you as a friend but that's all." It wasn't until she got a steady BF that he gave up.

I agree. I am quite sure she is the reason he what he did.

You didn't LISTEN to him. He even told you this was the woman that tripped his trigger. There is nothing else to analyze. He wants her and never stopped wanting her.

Do you think that once a man has been obsessed with a woman it never goes away? I did believe him when he told me he was past that and viewed it as some sort of addictive, 'not-love' experience. When he saw her 7 years ago (when she had a bf), he flew me over there and he seemed to be wholly focused on me. Would you say that if a man has ever had a romantic obsession with someone in the past, to run the other way?

I would think that maybe you don't want to admit that because it would hurt your feelings.

I've been wondering about that. Sure it hurts if that is the case, but I want to know the truth anyway..

I believe it is the truth of this whole mess. There is nothing you can do if he feels this way about her EXCEPT to let him see that you WANT him out of your life. The only way he may come back to you is if he can't have her, but DO you want that?

I don't want to be anyone's 'second choice'.

I would hope that you stop analyzing this to death. Go cold turkey no contact on him unless he steps up to the plate and puts in some effort. If not I believe that you are wasting your time with him.

Okay. Agreed. I have a lot of other, more rewarding, things to do.

Would you like to borrow my boots?

Goldey, I feel honored. Thank you.