Counseling conundrums

[TrentC]

Hey SpyBunny,

Just checking in to see how things are going. It's been a couple of days.

[TrentC]

SpyBunny,

Just checking in again. I'm starting to get concerned because this is the last thing we heard from you...

Tonight H and I are going to the show with the tickets that I got him for his b-day since we're doing OK together for now. It's probably our last outing as a couple for a while.

I didn't catch this the first time around, but I hope that you took precautions not to be alone with him at all that night. One of the most dangerous things you can do is to go back to an abuser, or let them come back, after you get away.

I heard some depressing stories about domestic murder/suicides in Oregon on the radio this morning; all in all, 17 people have been killed in the past 2 or 3 months. That includes the sorry SOBs that killed themselves, as well as three children. In at least one case the man killed his estranged wife, and then killed himself, after she allowed him to come to the house to pick up his stuff.

We don't need a full update: just a quick "hello" would be appreciated. Keeping positive thoughts and prayers headed your way...

[SpyBunny]

I'm sorry- I didn't mean to worry anyone. Physically I'm tired (not getting enough sleep and shlepping boxes around), and I don't know what I'm feeling right now- it's a mix of feeling lost, out of sorts, and some relief. I miss my daughter, it was a bit awkward when she came over for dinner last night (first time since the weekend)- you could see that she didn't feel comfortable at the townhouse. And H is being really nice to me and I don't know what to make of that. I haven't been able to settle into a routine yet, and I'm looking forward to that. There's still too much going on right now. Maybe another week before it all calms down?

I'm rambling- Have a good weekend everyone.

[TrentC]

I'm sorry- I didn't mean to worry anyone. Physically I'm tired (not getting enough sleep and shlepping boxes around), and I don't know what I'm feeling right now- it's a mix of feeling lost, out of sorts, and some relief.

The important thing is that you're OK right now.

Just focus on getting yourself set up. And take care of yourself.

This situation with the kids may not last; this is a big change for them right now, but they will get used to you two living apart.

As for your husband being extra-nice to you, I don't buy it. He either wants to put on a show for everyone else -- "I don't understand why SpyBunny is acting like this, the poor dear" -- or he wants to charm his way back into your good graces. Abusers do not like it when their victims show backbone.

[DanceQueen]

Or....your husband might be happy to be separated because now he can swing and sleep around without having to see the sadness on your face when he gets home. Maybe you gave him what he really wanted, a ticket to screw around.

If that is the case, hopefully Bunny you know that this is your sign you made the right move.

DQ

[goldeylox]

As for your husband being extra-nice to you, I don't buy it. He either wants to put on a show for everyone else -- "I don't understand why SpyBunny is acting like this, the poor dear" -- or he wants to charm his way back into your good graces. Abusers do not like it when their victims show backbone.

Bunny, the one of the hardest words for me to learn to say was, "abuse". Still hard today. The 'old' Goldey tried really hard to protect H's reputation, making her appear to be a lunatic when the s*it hit the fan last year. The 'new and improved' Goldey is learning how to assert herself in a healthy way, and in the process, had to let go of friends who thought they meant well, but were actually holding me back.
p.s. I'm taking applications for new friends in the alt universe.

[goldeylox]

Good Morning Bunny.
What are you doing today for PMA? I'm seeing a friend for coffee and another friend and I are taking kids to see Christmas Carol late in the afternoon.
That's enough for one day.
p.s. I have a new thread. Who will get there first?

[SpyBunny]

Hi Goldey-

Today is a busy day. I'm waiting for the cable guy to show up this morning to fix a couple of issues, and H is coming by to help assemble the bunk beds for the kids. Tonight is the "Windi and Jazzi Christmas Concert" at S19's college. It's put on by the Wind Ensemble and Jazz Ensemble- S19 plays tenor sax in the jazz group. It will be me, H, D17, S19's gf, and some of my in-laws from H's family- I hope it won't be too awkward, if at all. I am so glad not to feel ostracized by H's family. In fact, one of my SIL's wants to stop by the townhouse and check it out. I'll be glad to have the company. Tomorrow is packing up my sewing room at the house, and in the evening, my Mom and Aunt are coming over to see how the townhouse is shaping up. D17 will come by and join us for dinner, so that should be a good time.

S19 wanted to come home from school last night so he could see his gf today before the show, and he spent the night here last night. I wasn't expecting that since the bed isn't assembled, so we just made up the mattress and put it on the bedroom floor for the night. I was glad that he felt comfortable enough to want to be here. I hope D17 feels like that sometime soon.

Enjoy your weekend, Goldey- it sounds like a good time!
Take care-
Bunny

[goldeylox]

Oh thanks Bunny, it should be a nice day, if only Hus would quit pursuing.
I'm glad S19 was able to visit. And I really do understand how hard all of this is on teenagers.
You sound like you are doing ok. Tonight may be a test, just have a plan to get out of there if it gets overwhelming.
My biggest mistakes:
Isolating myself / allowing toxic friends back in after I fired them.
Too much wine / drunk email (only happened one night)

So, by moving out, is that a semi no-contact? Is your eventual goal to be reconciled? What is best for Bunny and her little bunny?

Your friends are here to support you, because no one knows your sitch better than you.

[Gardener]

Bunny, it is so good to hear from you and how well you're settling in. Great that your son stayed over. And your DD: give her time. She'll be back.

I am convinced that H is blowing some serious disingenuous smoke. He will display every change he knows you'd like to see and put an end to this living apart crap and convince you he's changing big time in order to get you right back to where he thinks you belong: under is thumb.

(((SB)))