Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Hi TEGH

You've been in my thoughts and I'm wondering how you are going.

All the best, V

Greetings Virginia,

Thought I'd check in today and notice a couple of recent messages. I am going fine. It's a drizzly, gray day outside and I'm doing more intensive "inside" work (Vacuuming, mopping floors, etc.) than I would typically do on a Saturday.

I'm also scanning some pictures (in the background) on a new wireless all-in-one I purchased (my flatbed scanner bit the dust) and I'm scanning some prints where I can't find the negatives. Some great memories in some of those pictures out on the Columbia River in Oregon. I had forgotten how good looking we all were (another part of my "breakout period" after my first marriage).

Things are a bit quieter and smoother than the last time I posted here. Still no sexual intimacy but quite a bit of discussion of each of our points of view. At times it gets almost to the point of an argument but we've managed to reel that back in (or at least I have).

Letting her stew for a couple of weeks turned out to be a good thing to do. As I pointed out, multiply that by several hundred times and you begin to approach the way my life feels to me.

It still looks to me that, at the end of the day, I'll still end up with a totally sexless marriage. It will come down to whether I leave for a realtionship that includes sexual intimacy or stay in one that does not and will not.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I find it amazing that people think the opposite of detaching is to be cold & rude. They also seem to think the opposite of being Mr. Nice Guy is a selfish jerk. That is not it at all. It is showing "tough love" by standing up to his WAW and calling her on her BS and not allowing her to walk on him. Can't he show strength this way without being a selfish jerk?

It's not that the opposite of a nice guy is a jerk, or that it's an either or situation. And yet, what is noticed and noticeable is that many females tend to be attracted to that jerk type behavior like a moth to a very large flame. Also equallyimportant is that any response or deviation in behavior from what is normal andexpected is often met with resistance. Whether that is because "dominant" partner is no longer going to get her way every single time, or because it's just a learned response matters not.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Although holidays can be particularly stressful when things are not going well, I hope that each of you here have a thankful Thanksgiving.

Engage!

[SillyOldBear]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are a HUGE nerd.

Thanksgiving was great at my house. I hope things were better at yours.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

What? I've been losing weight....

Actually, mine was pretty quiet until the kids came home on Sunday.

[SillyOldBear]

OK, I take it back. You are not a HUGE nerd.

You are a huge NERD.
:P

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

That's better (I think)

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I really haven't given an update. Been thinking about it but just decided to be quiet for awhile and see what, if anything it brought me.

It's been 151 months since my last sexual intimacy. The days, weeks, months, and years keep adding up.

If you go back to mid August, there was lots of anger, silence and gnashing of teeth. My wife was not speaking with me.

After two weeks the ice finally broke. I did not do what I typically do (which is to go sit down and discuss things with her). I'm already sleeping alone and so not speaking or even eating together was just a few more minutes of silence. I turned off the TV so that even when she came downstairs, there wasn't anything on as a pretense to be in the room with me.

What broke the ice was this: I had been scheduled to speak at a civics group which she heads and I had been on that schedule for several months in advance. We hadn't discussed what I would present or how I would do it or anything, so she had no idea of whether I would be the consummate professional or just embarass her in front of her friends in the organization (mostly women).

I showed up prepared, went about setting up the presentation and when it came my to my time, I was the consummate professional with 15 slides to lead people through an hour long presentation. At the end, the people who attended were telling me (and my wife) that this was the best seminar that they had ever had. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't embarassed her, maybe it was all these women who focused their attention on me, but it statrted with my wife telling me that I had done a wonderful job.

That began to open the conversation without argument. But it was very tentative at first.

But the ultimate outcome was and is there is no going back. There will never be any more sexual intimacy in this marriage. I've been living with that for the last couple of months.

[Young at Heart]

I really haven't given an update.....

...It's been 151 months since my last sexual intimacy. The days, weeks, months, and years keep adding up.

....What broke the ice was this: I had been scheduled to speak at a civics group which she heads and I had been on that schedule for several months in advance

.....At the end, the people who attended were telling me (and my wife) that this was the best seminar that they had ever had. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't embarassed her, maybe it was all these women who focused their attention on me, but it statrted with my wife telling me that I had done a wonderful job.

That began to open the conversation without argument. But it was very tentative at first.

But the ultimate outcome was and is there is no going back. There will never be any more sexual intimacy in this marriage. I've been living with that for the last couple of months.

First, congratulations on re-establishing communications through your actions. It sounds like your wife is showing you some love through words of affirmation (5 Languages of Love by Dr Chapman).

...151 months! My less than a handful of months seems to be not quite as big a deal to me now (especially since as was pointed out to me, I had provided my wife with permission to stop sexual intimacy). While I feel that I have been suffering, my heart goes out to you and your suffering. I am impressed with your resolve, determination and inner strength.

Good luck to you and your wife in working on your relationship.

[SillyOldBear]

I can hardly believe it, but I've read this entire thread over the last few days. Wow.

You know, Earl (do you mind if I call you Earl, Earl?) did you notice how you characterize your success? You didn't embarrass her?
You did a LOT better than that, and you clearly know it and want to hint at what a great job you did--you told us what the members of the group said to you, after all--but you stop short of actually saying that you did a great job. You simply somehow managed not to be an embarrassment to your wife.
Whew! Dodged a bullet there, those people don't realize how incompetent and embarrassing you really are, right?

I give it about 50/50 odds that you'll come back and tell me that you were only saying it the way your wife sees it, and of course you realize how good you are at what you do. But unless you were quoting her verbatim, I'm not buying it.

Bottom line: if you were as confident and as happy with yourself as you make out, you'd think you were worth fighting for. Your actions show that you don't think you're worth fighting for.

Your perception of reality, all new age jargon about occurring aside, is distorted by misery and self-doubt. Don't trust it.