WAW in affair. Help!

[Norm914]

Absolutely. I wouldn't plan on getting ANYTHING good for at LEAST a week.

Oh, yeah. I figure it'll take longer than that.

In fact, if you can stomach it, you may want to do something EXTRA nice for her this weekend.

She’s out of town this weekend. Every year the women in her family travel to one of those outlet malls to do Christmas shopping. But I like the ‘extra nice’ idea! <evil grin>

Thanks again for all your help and support, Puppy. And that goes for every one else.

[Norm914]

Puppy,

Had another thought (my mind is whirring – know you know the feeling). My sitch being what it is – the OM is working out in MY gym with MY wife – I could approach OM.

Follow him out to the parking lot and say something like, “I have all the evidence I need to back up what I’m about to say, so there is no argument. <firm but not hostile> Stop f@#$cking my wife NOW.. Do not EVER contact her again. Do not EVER come back to my gym again.” Then, turn and walk way.

He doesn’t know what I know (the extent of my intel). He doesn’t know how I know it. All he knows is that I know. He’s a cop. He knows that there are many ways get information. It’s a bluff, but how can he verify that?

All men understand the unwritten law; “Mess around with another man’s wife and you’ll face his fury.” He’s a cop, but he’s still a man – and a married man to boot. And as strange as it may seem to hear me say this, he seems like a really sweet guy. My W wouldn’t be attracted to anything else. The two of them are making a very human mistake…”the grass is greener”. It just needs to be stopped.

[DanceQueen]

Norm...you might have better results if you call his wife and tell her what is going on.

Talking to the OM may not do anything, because he will still try to bluff you. But talking to her, SHE will light a fire under him and he will likely disappear from your life immediately.

DQ

[Norm914]

Norm...you might have better results if you call his wife and tell her what is going on.

Talking to the OM may not do anything, because he will still try to bluff you. But talking to her, SHE will light a fire under him and he will likely disappear from your life immediately.

DQ

Thanks, DQ. You might be right. I would have to meet with her face to face. But no woman could look a the cell phone statements and say, “It’s probably nothing. They're just friends”.

[sandi2]

Okay, here's my thoughts....

He's a cop married to a wealthy woman. Why she is M to him, who knows. But, we "know" his reason for staying with her, right? So, if Norm confronts OM and threatens to tell OM's wife.......then the fear will really hit him where it hurts.....his wallet!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Norm,

I'm generally not in favor of confronting OM/OW directly, and it's always been kind of a consensus around here (along with "don't leave the marital home/bedroom"). Some reasons are:

- you may not be able to control your emotions;

- you may try to take what he tells you as the truth, and use it tactically, when OM/OW always lie;

- IT ELEVATES THEM IN IMPORTANCE (think "leader of a rag-tag terrorist band, meeting directly with POTUS);

- it usually gives the illicit couple something to laugh about, at your expense -- paradoxically, they see you as WEAK;

- you may reveal something you don't want to reveal.

I never did, although I did walk into the gym once, look him right in the eye when he was working behind the counter (he looked like he was about to wet himself -- he turned sheet-white!), I got within about six feet of him . . .

. . . and I WINKED at him.

That was pretty funny. And I exposed their affair to his parents (he still lived at home with them, at age 28!). But other than that, I never confronted him directly.

I will say that I think it was either Gucci or Robx -- I'm pretty sure it was Gucci -- that had a different take on it, that I thought was interesting. You may want to see him out.

Puppy

[Norm914]

Thanks Sandi and Puppy.

Sandi gave me another I idea. I could contact OM’s wife privately and present the cell phone bills. There is NO WAY a wife could look at those bills and not KNOW there is an A going on. I don’t have the money to hire a P.I., but she does. Of course, there is the risk that in a knee-jerk reaction she will confront OM with bills. Never met her so I know nothing about her personality.

Or, rather than just verbally confront OM, I could just smile and hand him a copy of the phone bills (phone calls highlighted to make it easy for him) and say, “Thought your wife might also be interested so I mailed a copy to her office”. Finding out where she works would be an easy piece of intel to acquire. Again, she might just confront him with the bills, and of course he’ll deny any wrongdoing. But it might just set her, with all her money, on his trail.

As I wrote earlier, it’s no wonder that W changed the password to our online account and then stalled and lied when I asked for it. It looks that bad.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks Sandi and Puppy.

Sandi gave me another I idea. I could contact OM’s wife privately and present the cell phone bills. There is NO WAY a wife could look at those bills and not KNOW there is an A going on. I don’t have the money to hire a P.I., but she does. Of course, there is the risk that in a knee-jerk reaction she will confront OM with bills. Never met her so I know nothing about her personality.

I like this idea! I wouldn't leave the cellphone bills with her, tho. Tell her you think it's best that the illicit couple NOT know what evidence you guys hold, but you felt she should not be the only one of the 4 involved to NOT know what's going on, so that she could make whatever decisions are best for her and her family.

Hopefully, she'll use those records as the 'probable cause' to hire a P.I.

Puppy

[Norm914]

I like this idea! I wouldn't leave the cellphone bills with her, tho. Tell her you think it's best that the illicit couple NOT know what evidence you guys hold, but you felt she should not be the only one of the 4 involved to NOT know what's going on, so that she could make whatever decisions are best for her and her family.

Hopefully, she'll use those records as the 'probable cause' to hire a P.I.

Puppy

I’ve been thinking about it all day and I think this is my best route. I figure I can wait and watch for weeks trying to catch them, and still may not succeed. Or, I can let OM”s wife’s money, and probably the best P.I. in town, do all the work for me. And, the evidence will probably be better than anything I could get. Plus, having OM’s spouse in on this will help insure that when the A is over, it’s over for good.

She’s very successful and she didn’t succeed by being stupid. I’m sure I can convince her of the futility of making an accusation based the phone bills alone. It also occurred to me that she may have a gut feeling and/or suspicions of her own -- that “there’s something wrong but I can’t put my finger on it” feeling that I had. She and OM have been together for 23 years. She knows that man. I know from reading this board and other websites that the cheating spouse’s behavior toward his/her spouse always changes in some way.

I also like this strategy because I don’t have to bring anyone else in on this A. When it’s over my W will have two choices: come home and work with me to restore our marriage and no one will ever know, or, continue down the path of divorce and everyone will know. I pretty sure I know what her choice will be. The fact that OM is married is particularly damning. Friends and family would be shocked and disappointed. If he were single, W could say, “Well, our M was as good as over anyway and I was moving on” and save some face. But that ain’t the case.

I’ll continue to think about this over the weekend.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And PRAY about right.

Puppy