Introspection is good. As dumb as this may sound, re-read your own thread and make some notes. Your sitch is very unique here. You're going to have some questions after re-reading them. Ask them here. One by one, not all at once... you know why... us guys!!!
BIM, take your time. You're in an introspective phase and are under no obligation to share with anyone. You will know when you're ready.
And so you know, I never forgot about you. You have been in my thoughts for a while. I simply couldn't find supportive words to offer you. Your situation is extremely difficult. I wish I could find the right words to give you.
I wish you a peaceful, uneventful and rejuvenating holiday period. Look after and take care of yourself. I'll continue praying for you.