Like I said, I started re-reading some of my old recovery and addiction/codependency books. If you're ever trying to "let go" - of anything - these are the best resource.
And it really is helping. I've been in a 12-Step program before, and maybe finding some meetings again would help. (When I was in program before, I lived in a place where there were a lot of meetings. Since then, I've moved to a place where there aren't many. But never fear - there are online meetings.)
I'm trying to look at things a little differently. I don't have to be desperate. He says he loves me and wants us together forever; and even though he still hugs and kisses me and gives me loving looks, I'm just not sure I believe him any more.
How on earth could a man love a woman, and want to keep the relationship, if they almost never have sex? To me, that's not love. At least, not romantic/sexual/mate love. If it's love without sex, then it's friend love or family love.
And if he dumps me, I could cope. As it stands right now, it would break my heart and it would be tough on me financially. But I wouldn't be out on the street. The papers around here are full of people looking for roommates. I could make it if I really had to.
Without him in my life, I'd hurt horribly for a while and be lonely. But there are things I could do on my own that I can't do w/ him around: eat whenever I want, sleep whenever I want, clean house when *I* think the house needs it (not when he's acting like he thinks it needs to be done)....go out when I want to, instead of staying in because he wants to stay in. Go to events and join groups in the area where I live. Maybe even move someplace I would like better. My workaholism would no longer be a problem. With more privacy, I could even satisfy my own needs with masturbation whenever I want to...not have to wait until he's in the shower or out.
I'm not going to dump him, but I'm beginning to see that if he did dump me, it wouldn't be all bad.
It might not even necessarily mean the end of my sex/love life with men. True, I'm 45, but I look good for my age, and I've seen men look at me recently. I guess it would be possible that somebody else might want me.
And I'm trying (in the spirit of 12-Step programs) to believe that even if DH doesn't love me, maybe God does. God and I have a rocky history. But Step 2 says, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I'm trying to work the steps again, and Step 2 is a good one for me right now.
