Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

H says, "I don't understand how it was unplugged if you didn't do it."

I mean really, why would I have a reason to do such a thing?!?!? "Sure, it's raining. Let me go and flood the basement so all H's stuff will have to be thrown out." No, I didn't actually say it, but come on people!!!

he didn't say you had a reason to do it. !???!?!?! He is trying to "fix" the problem.

your repsonse - "I don't understand either."

When we don't communicate effectively we start mind-reading. You were thinking what he was thinking. H is problems are his problems. He didn't expect you to know, you filled in that blank.

The thinking in absolutes is tough on your mental and emotional health - everything, nothing, always, never... watch your self-talk.

exercise, pray, get a massage, make a list of what you are grateful for

Thanks, Coach. I get what you are saying, I do. I read your response a few times to be sure of what I felt in response to it. Of course, you are right. H was trying to fix it. But there just isn't a normal for us anymore. There hasn't been a normal for a very long time.

I believe that my reaction to his questioning was because I know he doesn't trust me. So, when he asked me more than once, my mind automatically went to the feelings of isolation I have felt over these last 7 years when I know that he is questioning me because he doesn't believe me. My thoughts were, "He is asking me again because he thinks I'm lying."

I know for sure that if he is ever to trust me again, it will not be because of anything that comes out of my mouth. I wounded him deeply by lying to him and he has chosen to hold onto it. I can't make him let it go. I don't know if he ever will.

I have worked very hard at not using absolutes in my way of thinking. There is no way that I could still be in this marriage if I believed in absolutes. For those who do and are looking at what I have described in this thread, they would likely believe that there is no way this will change, that my H is a complete ARSE for how he treats me. They would not still be here, thinking it is possible that we can work this out.

Truth is, I don't know if this can be fixed. I don't know if I should cut my losses and get out. I do know that I love my H, who he used to be anyway. And I know for sure that I want to do what is best for my boys. Sometimes I think I should end it. Sometimes I think I should hang in a little while longer, that this can't possibly go on like this forever.

I have asked H to leave several times over the last 7 years. And I meant it. The deepest part of my soul that loves the deepest part of his soul has wondered how he could still be here if he didn't have some hope himself.

I am not worried about myself. I know for sure that I will be okay without H. I've known that for awhile now. I do worry about my boys though, a lot.

I am scared of leaving and neither of them would forgive me. My H won't forgive me and it hurts like hell. I can't live with my boys not forgiving me either.

bim