Not sure what to do

[bluerain]

Hi stu, Im sorry that you are having a tough time today. I dont think that theres much that you can do either way but keep working on you and getting yourself into a better place.

You need to keep making positive changes for yourself, the CPAP, the new clothes, take care of yourself. If you come out of this as a healthier father, a better man who has learned about relationships and coping, even if your marriage doesnt survive, you will come out a better man.

You know her better than anyone else, and if there is no evidence of an OM, then maybe there isnt one. Maybe we will never know for certain... Its just another one of those things that you cant worry yourself to death over. If your son hasnt met an OM yet, and shes not pawning him off on you, or other babysitters, than maybe it makes sense that there isnt an OM.

Also, Im not sure that shes being quite cruel as a WAW with an OM.

[sandi2]

There's no need to apologise, sometimes it is better to get a different view on things. If my view of things was always right, I wouldn't be here.

It isn't so much as whose view is right or wrong as it is who is giving it (if that makes any sense). Mine comes from the POV of a WAW. That is why what I say hurts to hear and sounds discouraging. Others may be from a LBS who can sympathize with what you are going through, and you may need that. Some will talk to you from their own personal experience......and you need to really listen to what worked for them and what didn't.

[stu321]

Sandi, does that mean you were a WAS or s LBS ?

[TrentC]

Sandi, does that mean you were a WAS or s LBS ?

Sandi2 was a WAW, if I remember correctly.

There are a couple of WAS's who post on these forums (and are doing all of us a fine service by doing so). There's even a section for walk-away spouses, but it doesn't seem to get as much traffic as the Newcomers forum...

[stu321]

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to ask a question about my W's behaivour at the moment.

She asked me if she could take our son to "Carols in the Domain" It's a night where the sing Christmas Carols at a venue. It is on a night where I was supposed to have him, so I asked if I could join them. She paused for about 30 seconds and then said "Don't worry, you take him".

I feel like she is avoiding me at all costs. I thought it would of been nice for our son to have both of his parents there.

Is it a typical behaivour of a WAW to keep as mush distance between them and their LBS ? Whats nornally the reason for this? Are the scared they will reconsider their decision or they don't want to be anywhere near their LBS? Maybe she doesn't want to give our son false hopes ? If the false hope was the reason, why would she offer for me to go over on Christmas morning, have breakfast with them and go to church with them? I don't know.
Thanks all.

[sandi2]

Stu, I was almost a WAW but I never actually left my H. I found this board while I was deep in an EA with a divorce man. However, I was a WAW in my heart for quite some time. So, that is how I try to give my view points.....as from a WAW.

If you have not read the article that Michele W. Davis has on the WAW here on the home page,you need to. I think it might help you understand a little bit more.

I feel like she is avoiding me at all costs. I thought it would of been nice for our son to have both of his parents there.

This is the reason that Michele teaches the LBS to detach from the WAS. As a WAW, your W does not want to be with you. I am going to be very plain......she doesn't want to be anywhere around you. This is what the H doesn't seem to get through his head and where so many H's mess up. He keeps trying to be with her as much as possible....thinking it will change her mind, when in reality it is pushing her right out the door! Your W is avoiding you at all costs. If you were ever going to get that message loud & clear...look at the the fact she gave up special time with her son when she found out you were going with them. You must stop pursuing.....and YES this is pursuing hot & heavy.

I thought it would of been nice for our son to have both of his parents there.

No....it is "nice" when the couple is in a normal, close MR, but you aren't.

Is it a typical behaivour of a WAW to keep as mush distance between them and their LBS ?

Absolutely! I've never heard or read of a case otherwise.

Whats nornally the reason for this?

Have you ever disliked anyone so much that you couldn't get away from that individual fast enough? That is how a WAW feels toward her H. Everything about him....even the way he breaths or reads the newpaper or sits in a chair or parts his hair....it makes no difference what it is, it turns her off. In very many cases I believe the WAW is disgusted by her LBH. She is not attracted to him whatsoever! She usually thinks he is boring and predictable. It seldom crosses her mind that some other woman could actually be sexually attracted to him or even find him intersting. (You've probably heard enough by now, right?)

Are they scared they will reconsider their decision or they don't want to be anywhere near their LBS?

Oh, far from it!! Why would she be a WAW if she was afraid that she would reconsider? It's not as if she is going to swoon when she gets around you...and completely lose control of her desires. However, she is looking for another man to do that very thing for her!

Maybe she doesn't want to give our son false hopes ?

No, actually she wasn't really thinking of your son, IMHO. She was thinking of herself. WAW's may "say" they don't want to offer the children false hope....and there may be some cases where that is true, but I believe that most times it is the husband they do not want to get false hope. And, let's face it.....it would take very little for your hopes to soar.

If the false hope was the reason, why would she offer for me to go over on Christmas morning, have breakfast with them and go to church with them?

I can think of several reason that she did this, but none of them would be what you wanted to hear. It is not b/c she wants to remain in a M with you.....and that is what you were hoping for.

Now that I've said all of that, can you understand why it is so important to become a man who is very interesting, respected, mysterious, unavailable, sexy, GAL, upbeat,deatached, hard to get, and has dropped the rope he has around his wife? If you can't understand it, will you just try to accept what I'm saying? It is as if you've gone into another demention of time....or like she's a completely different person, and you must stop thinking of her being your W or being like the girl you M. She's not that girl now. You can cry your heart out or get mad as hell, but that won't change her back. You have to change your way of thinking.

She will want what she can't have so easily. Therefore, you must become unavailable to her whenever she calls, emails, TM, or whatever. You aren't acting rude....but you are just so busy with your intersting life! You are intersting b/c you are always going out and being with people who keep you active and you are doing things that keep you from being boring. You are learning new things and staying in the know about what is going on in the world. You have hobbies/sport interests. You are not home and she doesn't know where you are, or who you may be with, or what you are doing or when you'll be home....b/c you do not have to answer to her. You do not lie, but your answers are careful and you are vague in how/what you say when you answer her question regarding your whereabouts & doings. This make you become very mysterious to her and it gets her attention off of her wanting to leave the M and puts her thoughts on "you". As with most people, she wants to be around those who are fun to be with....so that means you need to be a lot of fun. Do NOT discuss the MR with her! Don't be serious, but be charming, relaxed, and fun to be around. Plan to watch funny movies instead of sad/serious ones, etc. Have a blast playing with your son and get him laughing b/c women love to see men making their children laugh.

Always look smoking hot even if you are going to the mailbox. What you need to do is dress up and go out in the evenings and just drive around or walk around the mall or go to the library if you can't think of anything particular. She will wonder why you are looking so great and others will see you and be saying how good you look, also. If you have somebody you can trust not to say anything to her, have them call your cell whenever she will be there and when the phone has rang a time or two answer it but then immediately go into another room. That causes mystery. If she calls you, do not answer it and let it go to VM. If she emails you, don't respond for an hour or more. That is being unavailable to her. When she assumes you will be home watching your son while she's doing something for herself, beat her to the punch and inform her you have other plans. Be unpredictable for a while. Do you see what I'm saying? This may sound like a bunch of game playing, but it will get her attention. If you detach and stop paying attention to her....guess what will happen? She will draw closer to you! Some H's fear that it pushes the WAW away more, but it works just the opposite. If you do not act as if you are intersted in her.....then she will wonder why. Then she will start trying to get your attention. That is not game playing.....that is human nature!

Whenever she is around you, do not try to fill her ears with conversation. Let her do the talking. You can listen. Don't be rude by not looking at her (that wasn't what I mean by not acting like you were interested in her), but you don't smother her or seem to be bothered by what she does or where she goes. Don't try to tag along or think of ways to be with her. For a while, even if she asks you to tag along.....thank her but tell her you've already made plans. However, you might want to keep the Christmas invitation since she has already talked to you about it this far ahead of time. Or......did you "ask" her about being with her that day???

Everything a LBH does seems to be pressure to the WAW. Therefore, do not do anything that is a form of pursuing. For an example, don't tell her you love her. She knows that and when you tell her it is b/c you want to hear her say it back to you and that just ticks her off. Besides, it sounds clingy to a WAW, so as long as she's like this....you'll have to stop doing anything that makes you look needy.

I better stop for now b/c thks is a long post, but I hope it will help.

[stu321]

Hi Sandi, it gas helped alot. I have done some of the things you mentioned above today.

I did see her this morning for about 5 minutes as I had to get some clothes for my son. We were both supposed to take him for Santa photos tomorrow, but I took him today. ( my sister wanted some photos with her son and mine ) so, w has missed out on being there. She couldn't make it today as she had to work.

I also told her that I can't take our son to karate on Monday night cause I won't be home. I told her I would take him on Tuesday instead. She asked if I could take him on wednesday and I said I won't be home on Wednesday night either. ( I've got 2 Christmas parties this week but she doesn't know that I'm going to them on Monday and Wednesday ). I also told her that I'll be dropping him off earlier next Saturday as I'm going out ( going to a concert ), but she doesn't know that.

I hav'nt been needy or looked upset when I have seen her, I'm doing the opposite. I don't see her often, maybe once a week, but we do talk most days cause of our son.

I've lost alot of weight so I've brought new clothes that fit me better, and I must say, I think I look pretty good ( do mean to blow my own trumpet here).

I've also told her that I can't take our son on new years eve cause I have plans. She will be staying home with him now. Her mum and sister are going out though, so she will be home alone once our son goes to bed.

When I was leaving this morning, she was staring at me, and when I looked up, she looked away. I think the last week has been good for me. I have detached, and I'm starting to get a busy social life. I've even had another woman flirting with me which has done wonders for my confidance.

I've also spent the last week thinking about whether the marriage is best for me. Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her, but looking at the negatives has helped me detach a little better.

I appreciate your view on things Sandi and it's good to hear it first hand from an almost waw.

[stu321]

oh, btw, I didn't invite myself along for Christmas, she asked me if I wanted to go over in the morning and then she would put breakfast on. She also invited me to go to church with them.

Forgot to answer that question from Sandi.

[sandi2]

You sound a lot better today, Stu. Working on your self-esteem will help you detach from your W, also. It is fine to blow your horn to us.

Even though you only see her once a week for a few minutes....she will be looking you over very well, so always look like you are on your way to pick up a hot date!

The way you told your W you would not be home.....without telling her exactly what you would be doing.....was perfect! Even telling her that you would be busy New Year's Eve was okay b/c, after all, you didn't want to wait until the last minute, right?

I don't know much that makes us feel better than to know a stranger is looking at us with admiring glances (even a little smile helps once in a while). You have been so depressed that you have put all your emotion into thinking how miserable you'd be without her and have thought nothing to any positives about the "here & now". I guess what I'm saying is to try to stay upbeat as much as possible......and it takes work to stay upbeat when things are not so good. I have dealt with depression for most of my life and I know how miserable one can feel in that condition. I have found that staying busy and making plans in to how to keep busy helps a lot. The more I'm alone....the easier it is to get depressed.

The new year will be hitting soon and you need to make sure you are not alone during the holidays b/c that will be a test on your emotions. Holidays can depress a lot of people. Especially on New Year's Eve......take a date (even if it is a relative) b/c that is one time you do not need to be alone and thinking about the year ahead in any negative way. Get your calendar down and look ahead and plan outings that will help you. What inspires you? What gives you physical energy? Are you involved in Church and civic activities? Watch your newpaper to see the things that are advertized that you can attend. As I said....it takes a lot of effort.

[Lll54]

Hey Stu, just wanted you to know that you sound really good. Your post sounded upbeat and definitely DETACHED. So good work. Even if you're not 100%, you're on your way. Keep it up!