Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

Doesn't feel like not answering gives me power. Makes me afraid of the consequences instead.

You need to get out of that way of thinking. And I know how hard that is as I've only recently started doing it myself.

This is about you. You need to think what you want to do - what is the RIGHT thing to do for YOU. If you go into NC you need to stick to it. I know it's hard. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done but after 2 weeks it has gotten easier to ignore the contact.

What are the consequences of not responding?

[Day by Day]

Hmm... I started writing what the consequences could be, but it is mind reading on my part and all based on fear of not reconciling or getting hurt more.

I never wrote the NC letter or let him know why I've quit contacting him. But I don't think it would matter.

Thanks for your insight P17.

[newmama]

I think because you didn't write the NC letter and you don't have an IM, he would be irate with you not emailing him.

I can't help but think about if he wanted to do this co-parenting session for future purposes...like he can document that he tried to be a good father in case you D.

You can email him and just say whether or not you want to go. If not, you can say you don't think the counseling is necessary. or you can just go for co-parenting purpses. do you have a schedule written in place already or not?

[Day by Day]

Newmama, I was feeling like answering, so I'm glad you replied. I was thinking of saying that since his objectives for counseling are not the same as mine, it is not necessary for him to go unless he wants to work on reconciling.

We don't have a schedule for this month yet and he hasn't asked to see the kids this wknd and next wknd he can't because of school. That would leave him the last two wknds of Dec. But he hasn't asked yet.

[newmama]

daybyday, that sounds good. you can add something about making the schedule because you have plans to make....

[Day by Day]

I re-read his email and it is only asking for me to "pls advise" if we are still having counseling on Monday.

Since we are not and he isn't requesting it, I won't reply.

I'm trying to get the strength to get my self-respect.

Got back from seeing a new IC and I felt she had more focus. She said for me to not reply to WAH's email soon--or at least weigh the benefit with the hurt to decide whether to go to counseling. She pointed out to me that WAH is not giving me any hope and I need to work on moving on and will be working with me on that. I've definitely noticed a diff in Cs. Glad I switched although sad to realize that I have nothing to work with my WAH.

I guess this means I have nothing to DB with/for.

[MHL]

Hang in there Day by Day, be strong, I know it is hard. I assume your signature is correct "no legal action". He has not gone that far yet. You can still have hope but need to try to detatch more it will get easier as time goes on.

I have not seen my W nor heard her voice for 3 weeks and very little email or texts. It is actually easier today than it was 3 or 4 days ago.

You are working on your WAH, it just doesn't feel like it. This is the tough part, the patience part, the part where you focus on you and try to not think about him or the R. You are not giving up just putting everything on hold.

((((hugs))))

[Day by Day]

@missherlove--you are right. Thanks for pointing it out for me. Your words really helped. I'm feeling weak and worn down today. I'm seeing that NC/detaching really is for me. When WAH contacts me or he picks up the kids, it gets me in the dumps.

Like you have said in your thread, you were worried about detaching completely and you were told to wait until you get there. I feel the same. I'm afraid of completely detaching, but I do see that I need to detach. My new IC said she will be helping me with that.

Thanks for the support! I really appreciate it.

[newmama]

AREN'T THERE ANY MARRIAGE FRIENDLY COUNSELORS OUT THERE????
Bad reasoning. Your IC can't predict the future or read your WH's mind.

It ain't over til it's over! It's good to think about how you will move on if needed, and it's good to enrich your life by GAL.
But to tell you that you need to move on because he's not giving you hope is just not correct!

Can you tell her that you still want to reconcile but need help with...let's see I don't know your issues obviously! staying strong, keeping boundaries...how you would handle things if he wanted to R OR if he didn't...sorry I am projectibg here! :-)

GREAT JOB rereading the email and not responding because it wasn't necessary!

[Day by Day]

((newmama)) Thanks for the support esp on a day that I need it.

The MC is thinking we still need to go to C and if he is still willing, I should go. She is wanting for us to be friends and communicate no matter what and that there still is hope if we can be friends to rekindle any love. She seems to be the only C that gives me hope. She's a Christian counselor.

I will need to figure out how I'd handle it if he didn't want to R. I've already thought of how I'd want R to go. No problem projecting... helps me with my thought processing too!