First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

Thanks Sandii,

So jealousy is the Key?

We really dont go out in the evening, its very infrequent so this would be completely out of the blue for me...Will it make matters worse? (she then thinks I am having an A?, thats not what I want to portray. Im sure youre right but I am concerned at her reaction)

Anyway, contrary to everything Ive been told...

I probably did a really bad thing tonight.

We had dinner at home and the R thing came up, it got really really deep... Very calm but deep.

In a nutshell she told me that she doesnt know the reason she feels like she feels. She does however feel under constant pressure from the situation, her parents and their views, what about the children, work/promotion etc...

I told her that she should not feel guilty about breaking the news to me, a marriage is made up of two people and it took courage for her to put up her hand at say things arent right, and now I have time to reflect that I also agree,
I am closely looking at her in a new light.

"I have been in a coma for a while and failed to recognize the situation, but I am wide awake now."

I told her that it was not hers or my fault as individuals but rather it was about the amount of effort we had put into our marriage as a couple.

She told me that she can not see us together, and that she knows that it was I want, she can only deal with straightening the house out, talking more and being friends.(the R is to much for her to think about)

I told her that I would also like to be friends and get to know each other again, and try to save our marriage, not plaster the cracks but work together. ( after 15 years together I could not put my hand on my heart and say that we tried everything to honour our vows, she did not disagree)

But I also explained that I understood the way she was feeling right now.. or at least was trying to. And that I had no crystal ball to see if we could rebuild. But I also told her that I was not prepared to get the R back at all costs, I told her that I was also not willing to commit the rest of my life to someone that didnt love me.

I said I was feeling good about myself, and was taking charge of MY life. (which she could be part of, but not on the current terms)
I set some boundaries that I expected honesty and transparency if we were to stand any chance of friendship, so no hidden purchases, No hidden texts or other agenda's and to share the things we did on a daily basis.
She agreed.

(difficult to impose a penalty for non compliance, other than I would not fix up the house and invest my time, money, energy and even love into redecorating just for the house to be sold, I need some commitment from her that she is also willing and prepared to put effort into the R/Friendship(stage 1), If not I would sell it now at a loss and have done).

Anyway although the situation or her feeling haven't changed I felt very much in control I spoke calmly and composed no raised voice, she however was not with more crying than I have ever seen her do.. and she wanted me to hug and comfort her. I feel like I have the power or at least the start of it.

Did I do a bad thing here?

Feedback?

MT