Not sure what to do

[sandi2]

Stu, I was almost a WAW but I never actually left my H. I found this board while I was deep in an EA with a divorce man. However, I was a WAW in my heart for quite some time. So, that is how I try to give my view points.....as from a WAW.

If you have not read the article that Michele W. Davis has on the WAW here on the home page,you need to. I think it might help you understand a little bit more.

I feel like she is avoiding me at all costs. I thought it would of been nice for our son to have both of his parents there.

This is the reason that Michele teaches the LBS to detach from the WAS. As a WAW, your W does not want to be with you. I am going to be very plain......she doesn't want to be anywhere around you. This is what the H doesn't seem to get through his head and where so many H's mess up. He keeps trying to be with her as much as possible....thinking it will change her mind, when in reality it is pushing her right out the door! Your W is avoiding you at all costs. If you were ever going to get that message loud & clear...look at the the fact she gave up special time with her son when she found out you were going with them. You must stop pursuing.....and YES this is pursuing hot & heavy.

I thought it would of been nice for our son to have both of his parents there.

No....it is "nice" when the couple is in a normal, close MR, but you aren't.

Is it a typical behaivour of a WAW to keep as mush distance between them and their LBS ?

Absolutely! I've never heard or read of a case otherwise.

Whats nornally the reason for this?

Have you ever disliked anyone so much that you couldn't get away from that individual fast enough? That is how a WAW feels toward her H. Everything about him....even the way he breaths or reads the newpaper or sits in a chair or parts his hair....it makes no difference what it is, it turns her off. In very many cases I believe the WAW is disgusted by her LBH. She is not attracted to him whatsoever! She usually thinks he is boring and predictable. It seldom crosses her mind that some other woman could actually be sexually attracted to him or even find him intersting. (You've probably heard enough by now, right?)

Are they scared they will reconsider their decision or they don't want to be anywhere near their LBS?

Oh, far from it!! Why would she be a WAW if she was afraid that she would reconsider? It's not as if she is going to swoon when she gets around you...and completely lose control of her desires. However, she is looking for another man to do that very thing for her!

Maybe she doesn't want to give our son false hopes ?

No, actually she wasn't really thinking of your son, IMHO. She was thinking of herself. WAW's may "say" they don't want to offer the children false hope....and there may be some cases where that is true, but I believe that most times it is the husband they do not want to get false hope. And, let's face it.....it would take very little for your hopes to soar.

If the false hope was the reason, why would she offer for me to go over on Christmas morning, have breakfast with them and go to church with them?

I can think of several reason that she did this, but none of them would be what you wanted to hear. It is not b/c she wants to remain in a M with you.....and that is what you were hoping for.

Now that I've said all of that, can you understand why it is so important to become a man who is very interesting, respected, mysterious, unavailable, sexy, GAL, upbeat,deatached, hard to get, and has dropped the rope he has around his wife? If you can't understand it, will you just try to accept what I'm saying? It is as if you've gone into another demention of time....or like she's a completely different person, and you must stop thinking of her being your W or being like the girl you M. She's not that girl now. You can cry your heart out or get mad as hell, but that won't change her back. You have to change your way of thinking.

She will want what she can't have so easily. Therefore, you must become unavailable to her whenever she calls, emails, TM, or whatever. You aren't acting rude....but you are just so busy with your intersting life! You are intersting b/c you are always going out and being with people who keep you active and you are doing things that keep you from being boring. You are learning new things and staying in the know about what is going on in the world. You have hobbies/sport interests. You are not home and she doesn't know where you are, or who you may be with, or what you are doing or when you'll be home....b/c you do not have to answer to her. You do not lie, but your answers are careful and you are vague in how/what you say when you answer her question regarding your whereabouts & doings. This make you become very mysterious to her and it gets her attention off of her wanting to leave the M and puts her thoughts on "you". As with most people, she wants to be around those who are fun to be with....so that means you need to be a lot of fun. Do NOT discuss the MR with her! Don't be serious, but be charming, relaxed, and fun to be around. Plan to watch funny movies instead of sad/serious ones, etc. Have a blast playing with your son and get him laughing b/c women love to see men making their children laugh.

Always look smoking hot even if you are going to the mailbox. What you need to do is dress up and go out in the evenings and just drive around or walk around the mall or go to the library if you can't think of anything particular. She will wonder why you are looking so great and others will see you and be saying how good you look, also. If you have somebody you can trust not to say anything to her, have them call your cell whenever she will be there and when the phone has rang a time or two answer it but then immediately go into another room. That causes mystery. If she calls you, do not answer it and let it go to VM. If she emails you, don't respond for an hour or more. That is being unavailable to her. When she assumes you will be home watching your son while she's doing something for herself, beat her to the punch and inform her you have other plans. Be unpredictable for a while. Do you see what I'm saying? This may sound like a bunch of game playing, but it will get her attention. If you detach and stop paying attention to her....guess what will happen? She will draw closer to you! Some H's fear that it pushes the WAW away more, but it works just the opposite. If you do not act as if you are intersted in her.....then she will wonder why. Then she will start trying to get your attention. That is not game playing.....that is human nature!

Whenever she is around you, do not try to fill her ears with conversation. Let her do the talking. You can listen. Don't be rude by not looking at her (that wasn't what I mean by not acting like you were interested in her), but you don't smother her or seem to be bothered by what she does or where she goes. Don't try to tag along or think of ways to be with her. For a while, even if she asks you to tag along.....thank her but tell her you've already made plans. However, you might want to keep the Christmas invitation since she has already talked to you about it this far ahead of time. Or......did you "ask" her about being with her that day???

Everything a LBH does seems to be pressure to the WAW. Therefore, do not do anything that is a form of pursuing. For an example, don't tell her you love her. She knows that and when you tell her it is b/c you want to hear her say it back to you and that just ticks her off. Besides, it sounds clingy to a WAW, so as long as she's like this....you'll have to stop doing anything that makes you look needy.

I better stop for now b/c thks is a long post, but I hope it will help.